Second Post

[JCliff]

I have posted once before, the shorthand version on how I dealt with my depression.

I have often found that writing or in this case typing is a good way to process my thoughts and feelings. Funnily enough I used to do a lot of it but now I don't. Back then what I wrote was destructive, hurtful, not to anyone apart from myself. A way to verbalise my feelings about my own self worth so that they just weren't thoughts swimming around in my head.

It is coming up on 12 months since I attempted to take my own life. I have for the past month thought about it a lot and it has made me feel a large number of emotions both good and bad. I have unlike the past reached out to my girlfriend, family and psychologist to let them know that I had been thinking about what happened and in the grand scheme of things it has been very difficult. I have been moody on occasions and have been once again that feeling of overwhelming tiredness.

I am not quite sure how I will go coming closer to the date. Although I have come an extremely long way since March 18th 2013, it is a scar that I feel everynow and then when my mind wanders.

I read an article this week written by Alan Stokes on depression, Ian Thorpe, Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Matthew Reilly who appeared on Australian Story. After reading it I cried, felt an overwhelming sense of sadness because those are feelings that we all know and fears that we face as we battle this illness.

There are a number of things that help me each day. The knowledge that despite what my fears were, the people who love me will not run when I am sad. It is ok to have bad days and it is ok to tell people your having a **** day. Today is one of those days, pretty ****, pretty flat and I am slowly counting down the hours until it comes to an end.

But I will go home to my girlfriend and step son and know that everything will be ok, that I can say it was a crap day and will receive a hug a kiss that will help.

So if you are feeling crappy today, pick up the phone, call someone from your family, call a friend and it could just turn your whole day around.

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi JCliff,

Thankyou for the wonderful, refreshing post. It's sad but true that there isn't a magic switch we can hit and be cured. This illness is something that will haunt us and we can slip backwards. It's a daily battle to fight. It is also true though that we can fight our way out of this. It's a long hard fight but for those moments in the light, it's worth it.

This article sound likes a good read- I'll see if I can find it. Yay for Google. Matthew Reilly is one of my favourite authors.

GA

[giggles]

Hi JCliff

Your post was brilliant and well written. Thanks for doing it.Off course it ok to have a crap day I reckon if you are trying to be perfect and happy all day there is something wrong with you. Just kidding off course. 

If this is a nagging feeling however I couldn't help wonder if there is something there for you to bring out and if writing helped you in the past then perhaps it may help with this one. I too use writing lots but sometimes it is a purpose tool to avoid repeat behavior that I am not comfortable with. It can slip up on anyone anytime of their lives but I think you know this.Any time I feel uncomfortable with something its like me checking is this me or them, If I feel I can change something here I will but sadly sometimes it does belong with the other person and I am better off understanding how it works so I no longer get caught up in the net so to speak.

this is how I continue to be ok about myself what 14 years has brought me.

I kinda laugh at people when I hear them say start the soul searching stuff because we should be doing it all our lifes and I reckon it would have been alot easier to be all set out instead of needing to go through the depths of hell.But I guess that is very Utopian of me.

I joke about it occasionally and say the devil said I was too good for him and God is still thinking about me because he is not sure yet. So I am still here.talking to others and they talkiing back so all good.

Let us know how your cuddles are working I love them too I wanted to die so that sent me away on the holiday camp. I have survived to read your post today.

All my best well not all of it I will share some.

Giggles

[Neil_1]

Hi Jcliff

I really enjoyed your post … although definitely not what you were describing in the first part of it but how you have managed to deal with and cope with things in the latter part of your message.

It is such a huge thing to KNOW that there are people who LOVE you and care so deeply for you … and these are things that WE ALL need to have in our minds all of the time.

If ever times get to stage where someone feels that it’s all just too difficult and that they want to do something awful – at those times, we need to take stock of what’s happening exactly.  STOP what you’re doing.  STOP what you’re thinking – and then think of the people in your life – EVERYONE that you know, everyone who loves and cares for you – EVERYONE on this website – how many people would be destroyed in their own lives if something awful was to happen??

So yes, go home and hug your partner/better half/your children/your parents/significant other and tell them that you love them.  Phone up a relative or a friend and tell them that you love them.

JCliff, from reading your message it sounds like you do have good support mechanisms in place … so I urge you to use them as that date in March comes closer.

 I hope you can also stay with us here for as long as you feel comfortable to do so … there’ll be so many of us here for you … in your corner to help you out whenever you want.

Kind regards

Neil