My story: I still have dreams

[CrashCoyote]

Hi everyone,

I am writing this post following a request from a fellow member to know more about me. I do not wish to hi-jack another post so have started this one.

I am fifty years old and the father of five. Divorced twice and in a few other relationships over the years. My friends sometimes joke that I am looking for my next ex.

I am an honest man and try very hard to be a good person, a good partner (when in a relationship) and a good dad. My life is not extraordinary and I am starting to realise how far too many people have far too much trauma in their lives. Is this our evolved society?

I grew up in a housing commission house with my mum and younger sister. Dad left mum when my sister was born and I was a barely a year old. He was never in my life. His bother (we are good wogs!) did his bit to fill the void and to this day he is the closest thing to a dad I have ever know and I love him dearly. My dad died a few years ago but I did not grieve for him. I did not know him. His brother told me of his death and was crying when he told me. I was upset that my uncle was upset but not that my dad had died! Mum was never very mentally stable but did her best. We were poor and mum never did drugs or booze or gambled. I love my mum but as a parent I struggle with her parenting style and we are not close these days.

I was the "man" of the house since I was about fourteen and I guess I just continued that caring role until I ended up taking on the ultimate responsibility - caring for the community. I joined the Police.

My career path started at Darlinghurst, then Redfern, later I was a radio dispatcher and 000 telephonist. I worked at Fairfield when we had the highest murder rate in Australia (late 1980's) and Green Valley, Campbelltown, Campsie, Ashfield and Granville. I was mostly operational and in uniform and working alone. (More common than you might think.) I have been physically threatened with death many times. I have arrested dozens of people at gunpoint, sometimes at the point where I was applying trigger pressure before the offender surrendered. I have talked three people out of suicide.Twice people have died in my arms. I have been assaulted more times than I can even remember. I have seen babies and children suffer in ways many cannot imagine. I have taken statements from victims of sexual assault that have suffered in ways most could not imagine. 

After over thirty serious work injuries and a good dose of PTSD, I was pensioned off from my career and a job I was lucky enough to have loved for the time I was in it.

In my personal life my third daughter died of SIDS at the age of eight weeks. It led to the breakdown of my second marriage. As a direct result I do not even see my subsequent daughter as my ex wife cannot stand to have her away from her and has forbidden her from seeing me. It is a form of child abuse and it certainly messes with my head, but at the end of the day my daughter is being denied a loving father because her mother cannot cope with her own issues.

I have always liked the company of ladies but it took me until I was forty two to find "the one". She was and is the love of my life but has her own anxiety issues and after three years of a sort-of-normal relationship I spent a further four clinging to what was a dying relationship in which I think she loved me but could not control her anxiety over other issues. She dumped me last year. I do not think I even knew what true love of  woman was until she came along and now I feel I have nothing to give another woman because she still has my heart, even though we are no longer together. My addiction? I guess so.

Anyway, that is my life in a nutshell. I fight every day to battle my depression and I won't give up. I have four other children that love me and need me. I have a new grand daughter who is so beautiful that I still cannot suppress a smile every time I open my mobile phone - she is my screen saver! I may drink a bottle of spirits tonight, or not. I may go to the gym tomorrow, or not. I may have a minute or two of euphoria interspersed with the general depression, or I may not.

I still have dreams. I like to write and have been published. One day I will write that best seller. One day I will live on a hundred acres out of Sydney and feed chickens and muck around in my man shed. There is always someone worse off and I will do my best. Part of my inspiration is this site, and many of you will never know how much strength I draw from your posts, but I thank you one and all. I wish you success, such that it is, in your own lives.

Thanks for reading.

John.

[Jo3]

Hi John

Thanks for replying - it means a lot to know that you and others on here are so caring and want to help. I still feel so alone though, each time i have had a friend I lose them or they leave me. And it feels terrible. I feel that i am to blame for this all the time.

If i didn't have these memories I wouldn't be on here, i wouldn't be suffering depression or BPD and i wouldn't have lost a close friend. So i am to blame for all of this.

I don't know what to say except i am a good mum, i try to be a good wife, i listen to people and friends (but don't have any now). i can't believe i have not one person who i can say is my friend. God now i am emotional, sorry John.

This is so difficult because my friend knew everything about my abuse. I just hope that she hasn't told anyone else in the community because where we live is a small town where everyone knows everyone. I feel like a piece of crap, thrown out the window, not needed anymore. i feel used and now. So many people have lots of freinds but i have none - big fat zero.

I know that BPD sufferers like me tend to make things worse than what they are but at the moment i can't control it; because i am emotional. and why did my friend wait 4 yrs before telling me; why didn't she just not see me weekly.

i feel like she has been talking about me behind my back to others.

i'm going to go now, under my doona; hide away from the world.

John thanks for offering to listen to me as well as the others guys on here. Even though i know all of you understand and help each other - it's not the same as sitting down with a coffee.

What have i done to deserve this - everyone has left me. My husband and kids may as well leave me too, they're probably sick of me too.

I really don't know if i am worth it anymore - i am trying to change but my psych says if i don't start to improve there is nothing more he can do - great another person abandoning me.

I need to go am too upset to keep writing.

Friends - i don't know anymore if it's worth having any

Jo

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Neil,

I was just wondering if you are up to another instalment in the Neil story? In the spirit of fairness, I'd like to share one of mine but I fear they will serve no useful purpose here other than to distress people that are already struggling. So while I sip on my ouzo, I'll try and think of a funny one.

Okay, here it is. I was on night shift one night, long before I was ever a Sergeant. The Sergeant on duty was lamenting that young police did not accept direction without questioning it and that they should trust the experience of the supervisors/old heads. Then he admitted that he was no different as a junior officer.

He told us that he was on enquiry counter duty one night when an elderly lady brought in her small dog that had been hit by a car and badly injured. She asked to see the Sergeant on duty and asked if someone could humanely put the dog out of it's misery. (Keep in mind this must have been some forty years ago now.) "Of course we can, dear. Give me the dog and take a seat." the old silver fox told the lady.

He then took my Sergeant (who was at the time a know-all junior Constable) out the back, gave him the dog and told him to take it down the back of the Station yard and tie it to a post before shooting it dead with a shot to the head.

My friend told us he took the dog down the back and saw that it was still unconscious and he couldn't see the point in tying up an unconscious dog. He drew his revolver (probably an old Webley and Scott back in the day) and shot the dog in the head.

Of course, as it happened, he did not kill it. The shot injured it further and it regained consciousness before setting off yelping towards the Station faster than he could run it down. It ran straight into the Police Station and to the elderly lady who was, of course, very distressed at this turn of events.

I asked him what happened next and he told me that all he could remember was being made to stand at attention for half an hour while the Sergeant yelled at him. He said that if he had just done as he was told, the dog could not have possibly run back to the Station.

The moral of the story, "Do what the Sergeant tells you to do." I presume the Sergeant had to finish off the dog.

Anyway, I hope you found that funny. I look forward to hearing from you, old mate.

Kind regards, John.

[Jo3]

Hi John

Today is another day and I can't stop thinking about my ruined friendship and how it's my fault.

All I can see is her face and how she was telling me - like I was a little kid. Well maybe that's what I am - a little child.  I sometimes don't act my age.

Oh, I don't know anymore, I am really hard on myself today.  I did send a text message to my regular psych and he called me last night to ask what had happened with my friend and he said I need to learn some interpersonal skills.

Great, what else do I need to learn. Learn mindfulness, learn empathy, learn confidence and self esteem, learn to communicate properly, learn to accept, learn this learn that - I am sick of this - all of it.

I think I am tired of dealing with all of this for the past 4 years.  I know it's not a long time but to be talking about sexual abuse, how, why, who, and then to be talking about my parents especially my mum being so controlling, my problems with myself, self esteem, confidence, communication, intimacy, changing my behaviour and thinking, depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress and borderline personality disorder.

John, I am sorry I am always putting my stuff first and I don't mean to.  

So how are you going?  What are your plans for the weekend.

Jo

[fuschia]

Hey Jo,

I know about the friends situation. I'm in the same boat.

It can be quite lonely sometimes- but sometimes I think I probably deliberately push potential friends away and just try and keep acquaintances as its just easier and the chance of rejection and abandonment is much less.

Hope your feeling a lil better now.

Always here to chat.

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Jo,

It is a shame that you have lost that friendship and if I had any words I thought might comfort you, I would use them. I guess it is like any relationship. Both people have to want to be in it for it to work. Maybe the grief you are feeling is no different to a marriage breaking down. Very hard to adjust to.

It is okay for you to focus on your stuff. As I mentioned, this thread is for anyone that wants to blurt out their feelings. You must know that the abuse you suffered does not define you. It is seriously affecting you but it wasn't anything you did. You were attacked.

When this stuff isn't pushing you down, what are the things you like to think about or imagine yourself doing? I always think about retiring to acreage and just spending my days in the shed, or raising fowl or gardening. What are your interests?

Thinking of you.

John.

[Jo3]

Hey John

It's Saturday night and I was just wondering how you are going?

Jo

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Jo,

Thanks for asking. I'm having a quiet night in front of the Foxtel and heater. It is raining in south west Sydney and been a bit chilly the last few nights. The night before last was supposed to be the coldest for this time of year since 1941 or something. Being single (sleeping alone) I believe it!

I'm moving house late next month so am spending the weekend packing boxes and non-essential stuff. Boy, do I know how to live? Truth be told, I could have gone out tonight but quite like being home alone.

I hope you are feeling a little better.

Kind regards, John.

[Jo3]

Hi John

Where I live, seaside of Melbourne, it hasn't been that cold as yet!!

It's amazing how much stuff we have when we pack up to move.  You don't realise all the crap you have. Probably a good time to de-clutter.

I'm okay today, had breakfast out this morning with hubby, my daughter is at work, but she gave me a beautiful chain and makeup; my younger son (18) bought me some flowers and my other son (21) bought me a beautiful necklace with all our names on it.

All kids home tonight with their partners, so we are going to make Vietnamese Rice Paper Rolls.  Can't wait.

John I hope you are having a nice day today. Might take the dog for another walk as it is beautiful and sunny down here.  Hope it's not too cold where you are.

Take care

Chat soon

Jo

[fuschia]

Hmmm h=feeling a bot down about the whole Mothers Day thing actually.

No breakfast in bed, no pressies no hugs or kisses and not even a Happy Mothers day from my teenage son.

He did attend the lunch I took my mum and nanna too but I guess it would have of been nice for him to at least acknowledge it.

I know its just a commercial thing for some but isn't also the thought that counts.

Im kinda a bit disappointed with my fiancé who didnt bother to maybe give my son some money or even get a card he could give me....Am I asking too much and being selfish and self pittying myself??

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Jo,

Thank you for your post.

Believe me that I am definitely de-cluttering!

I am glad you had a good Mother's Day and it brightened your week. I hope the Vietnamese rolls went well. They are, in my experience, very yummy.

Have a good week if you can. Days like today are good to remind us that it is all worth it.

Kind regards, John.