Love Hugs and Kisses

[Doolhof]

Hi Everyone, 

I posted the following questions on the BB Café thread and received some insightful answers from people who both appreciate the sentiments and others who do not find these expressions helpful to themselves. There are no right or wrong answers to my questions, they are just questions to reveal how people feel.

 These are basically the questions I asked:

I would just like to know what it means to you to read that people are sending you love, hugs, kisses and other best wishes. 

How comforting, appreciated and special is it to receive these comments?

Do these comments make a difference to how you are feeling and thinking?

For me personally, I find them to be heart warming, to know that people care enough to share their well meaning with others.

Some people may find these sentiments flippant and to not mean anything, so I would like to know your responses.

Remember there are no right or wrong answers, just your own opinion.

I'm posting this in the STAYING WELL section, as the comfort and encouragement some people may receive from these comments and sentiments may be just what that individual requires right now.

Thanks all from Mrs. Dools

[Guest_5218]

Hi Mrs Dools,

I would like to reply as I did on the Cafe thread earlier today.  This is my own personal view on the matter:

I have never had anybody who I could talk to before joining this Forum a little over 2 months ago.  I am fairly socially isolated and I do not have any real friends.  I dont have any family or friends who I am comfortable to talk to about my troubles, my achievements, and certainly not my deepest fears.  

Through these Forums I have felt able to 'unload' so much baggage.  I have been able to open up a lot, knowing that I will not be judged.  And those people who have responded to me when I have needed support the most, possibly know me better than anybody else in this world. Possibly even including my psych, who is the only other person I have ever opened up to.  

So yes, I do feel really close to a number of people on these forums.  I respect their opinions, I appreciate their advice.  And in a way I crave their understanding and support.  I love receiving their love and cyber hugs.

When I give hugs and love, I mean it from my heart. I dont give it lightly.   When I receive them from others, I often cry when I'm feeling really low, because it is almost as if it were real. That it is indeed genuine concern for me.  And I find that really comforting.  So when I say I sometimes cry, it is because I know that someone else cares and takes the time to express that caring to me in the only way that you can through a computer screen - with words.  

This is an appropriate area to post this thread Mrs Dools because it does help me, and I believe many others, to get well and hopefully to stay well.  It is important to know that others care and have a genuine empathy for us.

Thankyou Mrs Dools for broaching this subject.

Sherie xx

[white knight]

Hi all,

I see your view clearly Sherie and thanks Mrs Dools for posting this topic.

However as often happens there is a flip side. And that is when someone in need of solid advice is waiting for such a response and they read there is a response waiting, when they click on the reply to find no solid meaningful and possible remedy for their problem....it can be counter productive to them. It could even make them feel disheartened IMO. In such a case they might even feel annoyed if they feel cyber hugs and kisses don't point him/her in any practical direction. They also might not FEEL as emotionally needy for hugs and kisses as some are willing to issue.

So I feel such expressions of kindness and emotions are appropriate in some threads eg where you know the person well and have swapped information to and fro with that person because then you have developed some affection amongst each other.

That's my opinion.

Tony WK

[geoff]

dear Mrs. Dools, this is a post that deserves credit, and it's one which there will be different sides where there will
be opposite views of how we feel, but that's what life is about isn't it.
I'm afraid that I agree with Tony and what he has said, because only if you have been communicating with a particular
person quite often, then by saying 'hugs and kisses' means that you are right behind them, totally understand what they
are going through, where they have accepted all your advice, help and suggestions, then all your hugs and kisses mean the
world to them, however if someone new comes to the site and someone offers them these jesters with no helpful advice then
it's no different than saying 'I love that puppie in the pet shop', sure you might, but is that going to help the puppie
go to good home, no, so off you go and move on.
In other words what do these kind words mean to someone who you have replied to them only once, and does that mean that
this person will leave the site knowing that BB forum has been not useful.
I'm sure there will others who may disagree with what we have said, and that's fine. Geoff. x



 

[Kazzl]

For what it's worth, I don't think this is a big issue. (I know why you've raised it Mrs Dools and I'm grateful you have and I hope others will express their views.) I don't see very many responses that are just hugs and kisses except where people have become close to each other. On the rare occasion they occur with new posters it is usually accompanied by a sentiment like 'I can't help you but want you to know I care and there will be others along with better advice.'

We're making a lot of assumptions here about what people do and don't need from us. Tony I understand what you're saying and I expect some people do react the way you describe. But we don't really know the impact we have on anyone, we just do what seems right for us with the best of intentions. Why change? 

I think we need people to respond the way they feel is right, and if that's simply an emotional expression of care, then it is. I don't think people should have to second guess whether their response fits an undefined standard. And beware of paralysis by analysis I say.

I hope this is not too blunt, and apologies if it makes anyone cross, it's not meant to, I'm a bit frazzled myself at the moment, but it is what I feel.

Best wishes to all

Kaz 

[Guest_5218]

An interesting array of opinions here, as you would expect.

However I think you may be forgetting that none of us here are qualified therapists (I dont think?) and as such, we are not qualified to offer professional advice.

Really all we can do is to offer our understanding and support to people who have reached out for it.  Often all people need is to know that someone else understands their issues and knows how they feel.  

And that feeling of closeness and empathy by offering love or a hug, cannot be underestimated when we are feeling down and alone.

I do accept what some of you say in that it is best offered to those you know fairly well, but it should not be restricted to just those people.  You do have to be careful of course, but usually the tone and content of peoples Posts dictates to you who is the best 'target' for your expressed love and hugs.

Those people I offer them to, if I met them in real life - I would do the same.

Only my opinion of course ...............

Sherie xx

[white knight]

Hi all,

There is nothing wrong with wishing others love and affection Kaz. I get that and we all do it in different ways. And indeed some posters here with some terrible stories of their life touch me as much as the next person. My point is that if someone posts mainly love and affection but is short of or has no other helpful content then  it can clog up the site, it could add to the posters hopes of a productive reply and so on. And of course this is my opinion which was invited.

Imagine if we all just posted love hugs and kisses? What site would it be then? Answers should have some form of helpful content to guide them on their journey out of their predicament.

Sherie, you are not correct about us being non professionals. We are professionals at being mentally ill. That experience alone gives us a tool that professional medical people don't have. It is significant in terms of passing onto sufferers knowledge of ways to feel better. The community champions here in particular often remind posters that we are not qualified to give out certain advice like types of medication and so on and we are restricted like everyone else in terms of the rules here.

Offering affection and/or sympathy only in a post can have a "feel better" result however this site I would argue is primarily for productive help and guidance and secondary for affection.

I accept you have your views. Thats ok.

Thats my view, that was invited.

Tony WK

[Guest_5218]

I am not saying that you should only offer love, hugs and kisses.  And you very rarely see that here anyway.  But what I do believe is that our helpful advice offered in replies, can also offer emotional support by way of showing empathy.  So you create a bond by explaining that you understand their issues, having gone through the same thing yourself.  You offer advice on things that you have found has helped you.  Then, if you feel it is appropriate, you give them a hug.  Having personal experience with mental ill-health does not make me a professional however.

I am very happy to have a different point of view to the rest of you in this regard.  But it doesnt mean I dont respect and accept your views - I do.  It would be a sad old world if we all agreed on everything!

And yes, my opinion was also invited ..........

Sherie xx

[JessF]

My two cents is that I think we all need different things at different times. I agree with the point above about not second guessing yourself every time you post is a good one, many of us suffer from anxiety and the thought of saying the wrong thing in real life can be paralysing enough as it is. But I also agree with the point about saving excessive amounts of love hugs and kisses for people that you've communicated a bit with first, I guess that is just me, it's a familiarity thing. I'm also quite a practical person and when I post online I'm looking for answers. I accept that not everybody is the same as me.

One thing that does concern me though, and I think I mentioned this in another thread, perhaps one of Tony's, is that you do see some people coming through here that seem to post in ways that encourage others to give love and hugs type respones rather than practical advice or support, and I worry that posting here is enabling them to stay stuck rather than move forward. But again, it's not my job to treat people or be responsible for them, so I have to put that aside.

Balance is the key. People often feel vulnerable and broken when they come here, or rejected by those close to them, so empathy and caring is important. But I also think that where possible, we should be motivators to help each other make changes.  If as Tony said, we all posted empathy without any of our own experiences or thoughts, then it would be a bit like going to an exercise class at the gym for months and the instructor congratulating everyone for only doing one star jump.  

[White_Rose]

Hello Everyone

I want to add my two cents worth here. Jess has made an important point in her reply. We do see people here who appear to want reassurance and affection only. I would love to be hugged, in real life, and told I am wonderful and doing all the right things. It would ease my pain and probably I would never do anything about my depression and anxiety because I was being comforted. And that would be fantastic and frankly is sometimes a fantasy of mine. I want to be loved and cared for, and to have no worries or troubles.

Unfortunately life does not work that way. We all know the anxiety we have when our children start to become independent and demand to do things their own way. It's one of the hardest things to do, let go and watch, holding your breath and hoping they don't fall too hard. I am finding my journey back to wellness painful and difficult and often wish my mom was still around to hold me tight. But I also know I would be off as soon as I could stand up again. Much as I hate it I need to travel that road.

If all I have are soft words and comfort it will make my journey harder because I would be fighting both the gremlins in my life and the desire to find a safe refuge. I barely have the strength for one battle. Allowing myself to believe all will be well because someone cares for me would leave me dependent and half the person I can be. So I want people in my life who will congratulate me when I have truly achieved something, who will encourage me to keep fighting and sometimes show me the way. I want, but don't need, those soft places, because they cause me to stumble and fall. And then I will be truly lost.

In my replies to other posters at times I have grieved with their sorrows and wished I could hold them up for a short time until they get back their courage and strength. I love my family and friends and want them to have the best life possible. So how can I take away their opportunity to grow and develop into wonderful people because I am afraid they will get hurt in the process. And how can I expect any different treatment.

Many people on this forum have come to the conclusion that the only person who can help us is ourselves. We can offer tips, support, point the way, and do all manner of things to help but in the end there is only one person who can do the work. So please, encourage, support, offer your experiences, suggest options, but do not smother anyone in softness without practical help.

I would also love to hug you all.

Mary