Letting People Down Or Feeling That Way.

[Beaser]

Hi and best wishes to everyone. I was wondering do people have feelings of letting people down when they dont feel up to social events. I am lucky to have some great friends and for example i have just been asked to go away for a few days but its just easier to say no . I know that i have to push myself but i have been battling a bit of late and i feel tired and mentally drained. I dont want to lose friends because of not doing things . Im really battling with this problem.

[Beaser]

Thank you Ray.

Thats a very kind and thoughtful reply.

Im sorry that you have been struggling yourself a bit lately. I hope your ok.  

Like youself i have worked hard and done my best .   I just wish that i didnt go through these ups and extreme downs. 

Ive managed to do  three days at work this week so thats been a positive . Hope you have a great day . I hope to talk more with you.  Best wishes Brett. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Brett

Thank you. I relate to the ups and downs. It’s challenging at times isn’t it.

I’ve been doing voluntary work today. I felt better around others. It’s great you’ve worked your 3 days this week. I hope you find it beneficial too. I think somehow human contact kind of balances us out if we are feeling down.

 I hope you’ve been having a great day too and I’m always happy to chat.

Best wishes,

ER

[Beaser]

Sometimes it hurts to say no to people but should i be available all the time. I have helped at my footy club all year . They are catering for finals ,I was asked to do five hrs Saturday and Sunday but i said no as i just feel i need a chance to just enjoy the football.  I just get so guilt ridden saying no but surely im entitled to say no  occasionally.  I love my club but sometimes i find peoples expectations hard especially when they seem disappointed when i say no .   Has anyone else felt the same?

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear  Brett,

I feel that way when I say no…guilty of being selfish with my time, constantly thinking about the look on people’s faces or the change in their voice, when trying to hide there disappointment or anger away from me…..I am sure management, friends and even family can see or sense a yes person and use that to there advantage….

Even though we know that we should set boundaries for ourselves and start caring enough about ourselves to say no…..it’s still nearly impossible to say no….I did say no, on Tuesday to a promotion at my volunteer job….I am pleased I said no…if I didn’t the new responsibilities would have been to much for me to carry out….

I’m pleased you said no, and are going to enjoy the football…you very much deserve to be able to do that…please try hard not to feel guilty….The football club will seek out someone else to help with the catering…it’s always the yes person that they reach out to first…expecting a yes…..but they will always have someone else in mind to ask…

Enjoy your football matches, without feeling any guilt or remorse, you’ve been there for them all year…..don’t let those emotions take away from you something that you really want to do and so much deserve…

My kindest thoughts Brett..

Grandy..

[Beaser]

Thank you for your kind reply Grandy. 

You have summed up my situation and feelings so well. I am a yes person and im sure that people think i will never say no so they think im an easy target. 

I just wish people would realise that every one has there limit.   

Its interesting you mention your volunteering. I have an interview at a hospital in a couple of weeks about doing some volunteer work so im hoping to do something there.  Im glad you said no to a promotion that would put more pressure on you. I feel you did the right thing. I think clubs and organizations' need to respect people's boundaries. 

If you dont mind me asking . How have you found the volunteering to be ?

Hope hear from you     Brett.

[Ggrand]

Hello Brett,

Congratulations on your new job (volunteer)….it takes a special type of person to give their time to help others….you are one of those special people… I’m the first person to be asked to do things….mostly I just do what has to be done, even doing other peoples jobs at work to keep the peace…which I’m getting really annoyed at….but unable to speak up because of the person I am…..

At first it was very frightening for me, the reason that was is because I spent months in my home, without going out…..I didn’t want anything to do people…I had been hurt to many times from them…so trust was hard at first….I started nearly 6 years ago…and to tell you honestly, there are days I love to be their and feel some self worth….other days I’m in a depression cycle and fight myself to get in to work, but after I am at work my depressive mood lifts slightly I do take my work seriously and do whatever is expected of me…

To answer your question Brett..for me it’s worked out okay…I enjoy it when my mind is in a good place and it helps me when I’m depressed, sad or feeling lonely….by having people around me and interacting with them…

Thank you for saying I did the right thing by saying no to the promotion….I feel bad for saying no…. I know my limits and would get too confused to do anymore then I’m doing now…

Kind thoughts Brett…

Grandy….

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Brett and Grandy,

 I relate to what you both write about being a yes person and struggling to say no to people. I’m only really learning to do it now, and it is something I have realised is essential for my health and well being. I think both of you have taken the right approach with saying no to something that you could sense wasn’t the best choice for you.

 I hope you can really relax and enjoy the football this weekend Brett. With the voluntary work you’ve already given I think it’s perfectly reasonable to have a break from it. And Grandy, it’s good you have chosen the option that feels right for you in relation to the promotion. It’s so important to listen inwardly to what we actually need, rather than strive to meet someone else’s wishes or expectations.

I was doing volunteer work too with a community service provider. I’ve had a break from it but probably starting up again in a couple of weeks. I have found it helpful in that I felt part of a community of people and that was a really nice feeling. And I feel I’m doing something of value to the community too. I got asked to do extra there and did for a while, but I too have to watch that I don’t say yes just to make someone else happy, that I’m doing something because it’s the right decision for me.

You are both such lovely, kind caring people. I guess part of the process is learning to extend kindness to ourselves, so we value our own needs and don’t override them for others. I’m gradually learning that people are often quite accepting when you express your boundary and limits, and if they are disappointed they do get over it and move on. So there’s never anything wrong with saying no when you can feel it’s the right decision for you.

[Richju]

Dear Beaser,

Self care is so important and I'm sure your friends will understand if you let them know how you are feeling.

Taking care of yourself means that you are stronger to support others.

Rest, relax and love yourself.

Kindest regards,

Ruchju xx

[Beaser]

Hi Ggrand and thanks again for your kind replies.  I just want to let you know that Eagle Ray has kindly replied with a message to both of us just in case you miss it. Feel free to reply if you like.   Thanks again wishing you a happy day. Brett

[Beaser]

Thanks for your kind reply Ray.

You are right that people do learn to accept that even people like us have a limit.

I went to the footy yesterday and  did a bit to help but  just what suited me in both tasks and timewise. 

It was quite a good day as i caught up with a good friend as well. 

Im going to go again today and do similar as my friend will be there again.   

Also being fathers day i probably could do with a bit of a plan.

Wishing you a happy day   Brett.