Keeping my spirits up.

[ChrissyStar]

HI all, how are you? Great, I hope! I need somewhere to chat and keep connected to people....somewhere I can boast on my achievements to keep my spirits up and connect during the down times. I thought I would try here. Maybe I will number them for clarity.

1. I recently found myself stuck in front of the TV - for a very long time. It was a "safe" place where I could tune out and forget about my worldly problems. Of course this just meant time ticked over and the disappointment in not achieving anything piled up...and the chores as well...so it didn't actually help - just was an escape. I became trapped in this place and I couldn't get out. I'm not sure what changed - maybe the pending new year gave me hope of a fresh start....whatever it was, I am happy to say that I have broken out of it. I have cleaned the walls of the house (which were not clean when I moved in +6 months ago and hadn't been done in over 20 yrs) and got some furniture arranged in a more livable pattern. I am so proud of myself!!! The thoughts of whether or not this was fair on myself (feelings of being a victim) have dissipated too. I have gotten through 3 rooms and am now starting on the kitchen (one of the worst hit spots with the rodent droppings). And the feelings which stop me in my tracks has not arisen. Thank you for allowing me to express this here. Giving me "someone to talk to". Even though I do not expect a reply. Just the connection makes all the difference. I am not alone. Till next time. Live on!

[Sophie_M]

Hi ChrissyStar,

Sorry to hear that you haven't been doing so well lately.  

It's worth remembering that immediate support is not available via the forums. Some days are slower than others, and some topics hit home with people more than others. The amount of replies received will always vary from day to day.

The forums are a community, and a conversation.  You are more likely to receive replies if you get involved with the community, respond and talk to members on existing threads, in addition to starting threads of your own.

Posting in the appropriate section of the forum can also help you get the replies you are after - we have a Suicidal Thoughts section which has been set up specifically for helping members find coping strategies for those darker moments.  

If you need immediate support, our support service is always available on 1300 22 4636 or via live webchat between 3pm and midnight.

We're very pleased to hear that things are starting to look a little brighter for you. 

[1113]

Peaceful hello CrissyStar,

Sound to me like the wounder of the universe came up to meet your needs.

Positivity is powerful.

I do hope you stay well.

But if you need to rant........I'm all ears. Lol ...thats not wings on my back. Mutant ears.

Peace

EA Matt.

[ChrissyStar]

Hiya All,

I am back for another post and update in keeping up my spirits. So the universe gave - then as dramatically as it did so - took away in the cruelest way it could have. It was a harsh and sharp stab in an already painful + festering wound. I dropped to my knees, wept like a baby, went comatose for a while, just stopped and refused to go on. How could this happen to me at such a delicate moment in my life? The refusal to go on reset my brain and lead to some realisations...

1) I will do it alone for as long as I fail to create a world in which the kind of people I would like to have around me can exist in.

2) I am past the child bearing age as I do not wish to be in my 60's when my first child is in their 20's.

3) I have a higher calling which I have both created and live for. As amazing and fantastical as it may seem - it is the most real thing in my life & deserves + requires all my attention. Having nothing else means I can focus on this wholly and completely.

4) Rememberance that I cannot and do not have to be perfect. Realisation in how wabi sabi comes about. (Note: Wabi sabi = there is perfection in the imperfection and that is what makes life perfect!)

My position reminds me of how when people give up and are desperate - all their understandings are destroyed, nothing makes sense anymore....belief systems and judgement go out the window and there is no choice but to start again from the very beginning. To make it worth it, something special must be made - to make up for the heartache, pain and failure. It is at this point that they reach and create the amazing and miraculous. Thus the exceptional is born.

My exceptional is in my legacy - what I am working on. My legacy is exceptional. If what this is interests you - please just ask and I'll explain. But i doubt anyone cares that much. I have learnt that in life - people have better things to do in thier life.

Bye.

P.S. I am sorry I had a go at this site for not coming to my rescue when I was feeling down (when I did not want to be alive anymore). I know I have not sought help with suicidal tendencies so there is no reason why I should receive it. I was screaming out in pain and that was just the way it came out. Thank you for your understanding here. I was suprised I received no explanation from Pipsy as she has been very vocal regarding my posts. Do you not go there Pipsy? Or are you yourself going through something right now? I hope you are ok.

[1113]

Hi ChrissyStar,

Your openness is inspirational to me. I am blown away how you can express your thoughts, personal beliefs and your life purpose. I have fear with this. I hold myself back.

Im interested in the question;

"My exceptional is in my legacy - what I am working on. My legacy is exceptional. If what this is interests you - please just ask and I'll explain"

This philosophy explained would be great. I'm going to take a quick guess. You are exceptional and your legacy is you.

Keep that spirit flying.

Peace

Matt.

[ChrissyStar]

Hi Matt (1113) & others who have replied or read this thread. Thanks for your interactions - it is a nice feeling to have someone on the other end! It has been a while since I was here & I am happy to report that I am alot happier and more balanced since I felt the need to hold my head above water via this thread.

In answer to your query Matt - my legacy is a communal medicine garden. I came up with the idea because I myself am a scientist. One day I was reading the local paper & came across an article about a little
girl who needed a medicine which cost $1million per year. The medicine was being taken off the list of medicines covered by Medicare - thus the parents had to come up with this amount each year for their child to
survive. I thought to myself - why don't they just make it? If it were me, I would (because I am a trained environmental scientist & have these skills). This lead me to realise that at one point, medicine was grown in the backyard and knowledge passed on through the generations. And that this has been lost. But there is nothing stopping me from sharing what I know with others in a helpful way. I came up with the medicine garden as a solution which can reach people globally.

I works like this...there will be a website where people can become owners via gold coin. Being owners, they can legally do what they wish with the plants. A person discloses a medicinal need and a researcher discusses the best medicine for them. The correct plants are grown and basic form of the medicine produced via hiring a
laboratory scientist (such as myself). The medicine can then be posted to the owner.

As I teach permaculture, I have the opportunity to design the communal medicine garden & teach it to students as I teach permaculture.

This is my legacy.

[ChrissyStar]

Hi Matt (1113), do you know WHY you hold yourself back? I am looking into whether I am stuck in childhood trauma or not. Do you have trauma issues too? Or is it something else - or mixed in with multiple things and not too clear right now?

[ChrissyStar]

Hello. Today I would like to discuss a possibility….because I am trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. Today I am exploring whether or not I have a FEAR OF SUCCESS. Why do I think I have this? Because I SABOTAGE my day-to-day life. It is as if something bad will happen if I do well. It will mean I have responsibilities which I could stuff up - it means I have to stay successful and I might not be able to do this. What if I can't? Also, surely - success can't last forever (can it?) - and thus the "down" will inevitably come my way. And I can't handle that. I just know it will be really soon and thus, all a waste of time. What makes it worse, is that I'm not talking of super success, or even decent success - just being able to support myself is good enough to me (getting off centrelink is what I’m talking about). It gives me so much anxiety, it almost feels better to do nothing and get nowhere instead. And often, that's what I do. Put it this way, I've never achieved my version of success before (gotten off Centrelink), not ever - and I’m almost 40 yrs old. It’s embarrassing, it’s sad, it’s ridiculous, it’s dead set horrible. What's wrong with me - why don't I want to look after myself? I have everything going for me (private schooling, bachelor degrees, even a small business limping along just barely staying alive thanks to others around me) – but personally, I do absolutely (or very close to) nothing. Why? Why would I sabotage myself like this? What is wrong with me? I don't get it. PLEASE HELP!?

[ChrissyStar]

3 reasons why I am afraid of success...

1. I don't want to make others around me feel bad. This stems from childhood and is VERY strong. I lived in fear that my father would errupt into anger and become abusive. Thus, I did not like to make myself "stick out" in case the attention came to me. Thus, I do not attract attention to myself by being even mildly successful.

2. I was told as a child that I do not deserve anything. Thus, I cannot do things for myself. This is why I have chosen a job which helps the world (environmental science). I am not doing it for me, but to save the planet (for others). If it were for me, I would not bother. Because I do not deserve anything. This was a huge issue for me in 20's and at one point I believed I was subconsciously trying to commit suicide. I was very frustrated when I hit 30 - because I was still alive.

3. Your suggestions here, please?

[ChrissyStar]

3.No longer applicable !!!!

I can't believe it, I feel like I've won the lotto - I've found something which moves the negative feelings away in a BIG way....it is:

LIFE IS NOT A PROBLEM TO BE SOLVED, BUT A REALITY TO BE EXPERIENCED.

...wow! It made me think about my mother, who did not gel with my style (something which we have come to accept at adults) and thus I was ALWAYS a problem. Thus, I grew up believing that life always had to have a problem. I searched high and low for issue after issue and it didn't make me better - it made me worse! The more I obsessed and believed there was something wrong with me, the less I would put into my life - the more problems would arise and this would prove to me that it was true. I now at this very moment (and I hope it lasts, lets cross the fingers it does) - that I DO NOT have a problem or issues at all....I have simply been looking at life the WRONG way!!!

....I will now look at life as an experience to be lived. Not how I have been previously. No, that view is GONE!!! I feel renewed, rejuvenated, hopeful!! What a great feeling!

I hope sharing this can help others too.