Isolated socially/geographical @ 50 yr old married woman

[frazzled25]

Hi all,

I live in the Central West of Qld in an isolated area. Only have husband to talk to, and have zero friends. Children have grown & have their own lives.

Feeling lonely, have been hurt by so called friends in the past.

Not really sure it's worth the time in all honesty.

But I've always searched for that one true friend, maybe there is no such thing anymore 

[Sophie_M]

Hey frazzled25,

Welcome to the Forums. Thank you for sharing here. We hope that our lovely community can be a comfort to you.  

A lot of us here can relate to that sense of loneliness. It can be challenging to make friends, especially in a remote area. Making new friends can also feel really vulnerable, especially if we have had negative experiences in the past. For many of us, online forums like this can be a good way to connect with others.

For difficult moments the Beyond Blue counsellors are here for you and would welcome your call or online chat, any time it would help you to speak to someone.  
 
We’re sure you’ll hear from our community soon. It is wonderful that you have been able to reach out for support here on the forums. You never know who might read this thread and feel less alone in their own experience.  

Kind regards, 
Sophie M 

[Flowergirl97]

Hi frazzled25,

I can relate to your experience of feeling lonely because you don’t have any friends. I have struggled socially a lot in my life and I’m in my late twenties and single and have felt let down in the majority of relationships and friendships I have had my whole life. But recently I have thought a lot about my experiences and tried to re-frame my thought process. It’s so easy to compare to other people who seem to make friends without even trying. But those people enjoy the process of making friends and they probably have a head start because they’ve always enjoyed making new friends so they will keep meeting friends of their friends and end up with even more friends! Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy talking to people but it does tend to make me very uncomfortable and self conscious when I am getting to know someone new. I have also struggled to make plans with friends and felt rejected when no one has made plans with me. But there have also been other times when I’ve been struggling with my mental health and decided not to attend a social event because I felt too busy or just didn’t feel like I wanted to go. I now regret not going because I would have had a great opportunity to spend time getting to know other people better. But we can’t do anything about our past. I have decided to consider my past experiences and exactly how I believe people had let me down in the past. Then truly consider if it was such a bad thing that they did or if it could possibly be forgiven. Maybe they don’t need to become a central person in my life but they could still be a friend to see every now and then. I recently reconnected with a friend who I was stupid to cut out of my life years ago, because I thought back to when we were friends and he was truly a good friend to me and this one thing that he did should not have been the end of our friendship. I also believe that I have struggled to make friends because I haven’t understood myself. I didn’t know what it meant to be introverted until a few years ago. Before that, people called me shy and thought I was rude or that I didn’t like them. But now I realise that some people just don’t understand introverts. Maybe you are an introvert too? Even as introverts we still need friends. I guess my advice is to deeply consider how you feel about your past friendships and try to figure out if you might have let go of a potentially good friend. They will probably be flattered if you do reach out. 
There may be many ways to make friends that are unconventional that you might not have considered. Anywhere where there is people are opportunities to make a new friend or two. Even making acquaintances is important because that is the first step to making friends- meeting people 🙂 If you can afford it, travelling can be a way to make new friends such as joining a travel group. If you are feeling very isolated where you live that might be a sign that you would prefer to live somewhere slightly less rural. Being aware of how you feel means that you can start to understand what you might need to do next in your life. Your loneliness is giving you the opportunity to change your life for the better, and there often isn’t just one possible way to do that. So, it’s about asking yourself “what is possible for me that I would want to change to feel less lonely and have more friends in my life?” And “what do I have in my life that I have been doing or prioritising that has stopped me from making this change in the past?”. Because when you make a change, there is often a sacrifice of something you find comfortable or that you’ve been holding onto. For me, I often used my fear of getting bad grades as an excuse to not go out and make friends at university. And I have stayed home rather than attending someone’s birthday party because I was afraid of having an awkward conversation with anyone. But in hindsight, I was prioritising the wrong things and have been left with less friends as a result. Of course it is difficult to juggle different parts of life sometimes, but I regret not prioritising friendships, and I think that you might feel the same. It could take a few years, but if you prioritise bringing friendships into your life for say, three years, just think of the possibilities! 

[BlueLily]

Hi frazzled25,

Thanks for sharing your experience here and being open for ideas. 

I can imagine how lonely it feels living in a remote area. However, I believe despite how many people you are surrounded with, it can still make you feel lonely if it's not the right people around you. So don't be discouraged by living in an isolated area.

Personally I have been fortunate to have few true friends who I rely on for everything in my life and can't image a life without them. At the same time I have had so many heartbreaks and loosing friendships over time which I suppose is natural as time goes by and life keep changing. But I tried never to lose faith in friendship and just like in a relationship I try to put in the work.

I suppose for you now a new friendship can start by taking the initiative to talk to a person who you believe trustworthy and nice regardless of whether they are near or far or their age or life status.

Good luck with your journey!

[amd1953]

Hello Frazzled,

It sounds like you are almost ready to give up on being happy again.   I promise you; it is worth the time and effort to get yourself back on track again.   True friends are worth their weight in gold and not those pretend friends either.   Real people who care about someone other than themselves.   Forget about the past and start making plans for the future.   Once you get yourself sorted out, you'll find many reasons for following through and turning this part of your life around.   I think everyone goes through times when nothing seems to go well but then you begin to realise how magical life can be if you give it a chance.   I have found that if life knocks me down, I just get up and start again.   Perhaps you already have one true friend, your husband.   A problem shared is a problem halved as they say.   If he is any sort of a husband, he will want to help you through these troubled times.

Wishing you well

amd1953