I feel so incredibly alone

[Camellias]

Im struggling in so many ways, not sure where to begin....

i have no friends, not even online and I feel so alone. I go to the library everyday feeling so alone.

i have so many medical issues. Ive been on poverty-line newstart allowance since november last year. I am waiting to hear if my disability pension claim has been approved or rejected - the waiting is causing me severe anxiety. Everything is now with the processing team including the last phase gp medical assessment. Im terrified I will be rejected as I am not able to work or study.

The only place I can afford to rent does not allow pets, Im so depressed without an animal in my life. Im struggling so badly with this. I have always had a dog.

I am seeing a lady who often wants time alone, to be with her kids alone and to see her friends alone. Im struggling with this because I feel I am not important, financial or good enough for her to want to spend time with me. She tells me she feels guilty when she needs these things, that it shouldnt be ‘ this difficult or hard’. I wonder what I am doing wrong. I want so much to make her happy.

I hope i can find some friends on here for support, I dont want to be alone like this anymore.

[Camellias]

Good evening birdy

Thats a wonderful idea I will use the idea

thank you

🌺

[Camellias]

Dear Birdy

Im having trouble breaking it off with my gf. I feel like I have lost my self respect and dignity as a person. I worry i wont be able to find this with her in my life. im feeling really torn and it doesnt help that she lives nearby.

Yesterday I put myself into a position that I very much regret. I cant change that i didnt speak up for myself or that I wasnt heard. I was just hurt emotionally, again.

I was reminded that

*if it wasnt for the help of my gf id be living on the streets. I have been reminded of this for over 6 months now. I reached out to her when I was homeless, since then she has held it against me in the most cruel manner. I thought she loved me and cared about me, apparently not.

* Apparently I need to repay her for every shower, meal, bit of petrol she has provided me since we have met, apparently Ive been an extra mouthy to feed. Please note that every time I have eaten there, she has invited me over & she has invited me to stay. But then I am forever made to feel bad about water usage from a shower, using a power point to charge my phone, my clothes being washed, just every expense you can think of you would charge say someone boarding etc(not your beloved) like a burden. Ive loaned $150, thats all.

* Ive been reminded of every single expense, and I am not coping. Im not feeling happy when I should be.

* I wish I was not around her yesterday when i received my call from centrelink. You see, i received the best news possible, I won my appeal with Centrelink & I should be happy. But instead I have fallen into a emotional manipulative trap. I even tried to keep away from her when my phone rang but she kept following me, trying to listen. I should of spoke up then. I cant change that.

*Instead of being happy for me, she pressured me into checking my centrleink app on my phone to see if i would be getting backpay. Because apparently for eating at her home when invited, having shower, washing my clothes,etc she has spent the amount of my backpay. There is no proof of this.

*she makes me feel bad & has an answer for everything. If I leave her she will say I used her toa ll her friends. If i stay she will expect me to pay for her expenses & continue using me/hurting me emotionally, now tryingt o control my money as though I dont deserve it.

*she immediately told her close friends my business. I know i cant control what she does, it just shows she has no respect for my privacy 😞

I Won, she has made me feel as though I have lost.

[Birdy77]

Dear Camellias,

I am really sorry about how yesterday went, although it is really great news that you received the outcome you wanted from centrelink! I know it feels like you've lost instead of won, & that is because she is trying to take it from you. You have finally received what you are entitled to receive, she's trying to snatch it away.

I am also very sorry to hear that she has broadcast your business to her friends. That is a massive violation of your privacy.

As for the way she is saying you owe her for all the meals/showers etc that she has invited you over for - that is ridiculous & it is mean.

It sounds to me like she feels she has power over you & is throwing your vulnerabilities in your face to "prove" her superiority in the relationship. This is not the way a person behaves if they love you, respect you & want the best for you.

I very much understand how difficult it is to set boundaries & keep them strong, especially when she loves so close by.

Are you able to stay away from her today do you think? Maybe have that as a goal for a start, & if you can, how would you feel about making some plans about setting some boundaries, maybe set out what you feel you owe her (eg. the $150 loan), things like this, practical things.

Does she pay your rent? She says you'd be homeless without her, & even if she helped you in the past when you needed it, if you now pay your own rent, it is you who is keeping yourself housed, not she.

I fear that her toxicity will continue to chip away at your sense of self the longer you stay connected to her.

Of course it is up to you, but I am happy to help you nut some things out to try to rebuild some boubdaries, as well as think of some practical ways to get yourself back on your feet without her. If you want.

We are your allies.

🌻birdy

[demonblaster]

Hi Camellia and everyone ☺

I read some posts in the start here and your last. There's been some great suggestions and true to form at this amazing place lovely support from beautiful people. I'm glad for you and would like to join in ☺

Loneliness is a cruel painful position to be in and certainly pulls our feelings of self worth down. I understand you feeling down on yourself. What can be of help is focusing on your good points towards liking yourself which we really need to have some semblance of security in our lives. We spend every second with ourselves in our journeys through life. In depression and hardship ill health sorry to hear all of this it can seem impossible to push through our pain and anxiety to see our goods but they're there and it can take time but well worth it.

A couple of threads you might be interested in is "loneliness..what choices are there" there's a lot of good input there and as with anywhere you're welcome to join in. Also the bb cafe in social zone has a few members chatting on general stuff could be good as someone suggested and a way of meeting more people too. You can access these through a search or as mentioned from "All posts" and go to sections.

Our beautiful Birdy alias tweety 🤗suggested a local community centre, just to add to that I did some volunteer at one visiting lonely people for a chat, maybe you could approach them to either as suggested volunteer or be a recipient. Also your GP might have some suggestions for outs or visits.

I'm really sad for you how the gf is treating you. Matey in a nutshell for sure you don't need that grief. Poor form how she's carrying on. A guess that how she is, her friends would be aware of her ways and it does hurt people hearing one side but that sounds toxic to your MH.

There are church groups around too that welcome people I know of one here, doesn't matter if or not you're religious. Once a week they cook a lovely evening meal free for lonely people. There are good people around

I wonder if you might consider ringing a mental health line maybe here 1300224636 or lifeline who have a lot of info at hand and you could talk about your situation as well for release and of course you always have here.

I'm a strong believer in time bringing change and very happy for you winning your appeal, one step closer to some security.

Wishing you the very best Camellia ☺ nice meeting you 🕊

[Camellias]

Dear birdy

Its so nice to hear from you and thank you for your reply.

I have my own apartment, pay my own rent, bills. She is asking me to pay for meals she has invited me over for, use of water(a shower, washing clothes as I don’t have a washing machine- I did this once a week, min clothes)petrol for times when say she helped looked for a fridge or dropped me a the dr. All these times I thought she did this because she loved me, but she has actually kept tally and is using it against me. She got me a second hand fridge for $50 and said I could pay her back whenever I got myself sorted. And $100 for rent when first got my rental apartment. I do not live with her or her with me.

I would like some help building boundaries if that’s not trouble for you.

I really do feel like my privacy is violated and I realise I cannot do anything about it. I can’t control what she does or her friends. Your so right she is very mean and cruel. She doesn’t appear to love me support me or respect me. It shows in her behaviours with what she does throw in my face, ‘ you owe me a lot more then that or you need a hair cut or that shirt has a stain on it’ and then there is the ‘ I’m allowed to care for you, I feel responsible for you’ it’s all just garbage.

I will make my goal today to stay away and yes it is hard when she lives close by.

I feel that if offer the $150 she will laugh critisize me & tell me again I owe my backpay and more. You see there is no winning with her, whatever road I choose, there is resentment anger and guilt for whatever her own issues are.

How do I get myself back on my feet, standing tall and proud?

I cant believe I allowed this to happen to me. It’s quite frightening.

i have had money to eat properly today but instead I have felt like I don’t deserve it any of it

🌺

[Birdy77]

Dear Camellias,

Please do not start beating yourself up about how you got into this situation.

It happened because you a met a person who seemed to be kind and generous and lovely, and who seemed to care for you and want the best for you. Gradually that peeled away to reveal the person you see before you today.

You are a trusting, good hearted person who believes the best in people. There is nothing to feel bad about, it's just a situation which you will learn from and clear whatever lessons you needed to learn to move onto the next phase. That's how I've tried to see similar situations in my past anyway, and it has helped me not to feel extra bad about my choices.

Did you manage to stay away from her today? If so, well done! If not, try again tomorrow?

About tomorrow: can you make a goal and a plan to stay away from her tomorrow? It would be great if you could.

One day at a time is the way you will get through this.

Do you have a space in your building to get a washing machine put in (vinnies and salvos often have good 2nd hand machines). If not, is there a laundromat so you don't need to use your ex-gf's (is it ok to call her that? What would you prefer?). Just thinking of practicalities and the future so she can't keep on keeping tabs on what you owe her.

I understand that you fear that if you break it off now, she and her friends will say you used her. But I wonder if you could start thinking about writing some things down about reasons to "have a break". Just to brainstorm. And to get some of your thoughts and feelings clear in your own head and heart.

It actually does not matter what her friends think of you or if what has happened. But I do understand your fears.

Boundaries are hard, but you can start building them, but by bit. You have started already. You're on your way.

🌻birdy

[Camellias]

Dear Birdy

How is your garden growing?

Im finding it so to find some sort of purpose. For over a year my routines revolved around my gf and her children. Now I wake up and wish I had purpose. Something to keep me busy, wouldnt jt be nice if I was moderating webcams for elephants for afew hiurs, something rewarding/positive like that. Instead I am waiting around to be useful to someone who doesnt seem to love me. Instead she is consumed with her children and friends, which I encourage ofcourse this is healthy but when was it ok to say ‘ what about me?’. It always seemed like I was imposing.

I dont want my life to waste away, Im a kind person who enjoys helping others, especially animals. Its so very hard not having an animal of my own. I dont want to be alone anymore. Its still too expensive for me to move, and one hour drive to the nearest animal shelter.

🌸

[Birdy77]

Dear Camellias,

Well, it feels like winter (or maybe autumn at least) has finally made an appearance, so the garden has entered a different phase. Lots of lemons fruiting right now, and some spring bulbs already surfacing (narcissus, some crocus, some drumstick alliums) ... the herbaceous perennials are going off to sleep, the garlics and salad greens, coriander, broad beans , kale and rhubarb are pumping.

Somehow you will find a way to garden again.

Did you manage to write up a notice about volunteering your time in a garden yet?

It is very sad to hear about how you are feeling just at the moment.

I have been wondering how you have been the last week, but did not want you to feel pressured to reply. I know these things can take time.

What is the current situation? Are you still "together"? Because it does not sound in any way healthy or pleasant for you if you are "waiting around to be useful" to someone who does not care for you.

There is a saying, "when someone shows you who they are - believe them". When dealing with a person, especially one who may be a narcissist, this is advice worth heeding. Because they can say anything, talk their way around wretched behaviour, words words words ... but when they consistently show you whi they are: that is them, and you should believe them.

There is a poem that I came across while trying to recover from a narcissistic abuse relationship that really resonated for me, spoke to my broken soul. It's called Love After Love, by Derek Walcott. Would you look it up? It may not be your cup of tea, but I wanted to mention it anyway. It felt really empowering and nurturing to me, when we've spent so much of our time and life-force focused on somebody else and their unquenchable needs, coming back to ourselves is such a really spiritually beautiful and loving thing to do.

🌻birdy

[Camellias]

Dear Birdy


Isn’t the autumn/winter weather just lovely. I’m definitely a winter person.
I envy your wintery gardens of assorted goodies.

I spoke w/ the manager about the gardening. She seemed really happy that someone may help with the vegetable gardens as she doesn’t have time. I mentioned that I just want to water for now & she said I could go down anytime/anyday- but I still need to complete that very invasive form, just to water the gardens.
I thought she may know some nursing homes in the area as she has a foot in the community door & is a local. Or even an elderly person who may be in need of some help. She does not know of any.
I am still considering writing up something for the noticeboard....
I wonder if you can work w/ me on this please it would mean so much to me, if it’s not too much trouble.

Thank you for thinking of me, it must be hard for you to keep track of all those who you maybe helping here on BB & also make time for your own life.

My current situation is I pretty much hide in my local library, my apartment or watch my phone like a hawk for her reply. As far as I know we are still ‘together’, this ofcourse may not be what she is telling others.

I still don’t have purpose, I need distraction that is fulfilling. Something I am passionate about. That makes me forget my phone makes me forget (what you said so well) “‘so much of my time(almost all of it) & life force is spent on her & her unquenchable needs”.

I will definitely look for that book at the library, it sounds as though it will help me.


I have been thinking about the phrase you mentioned ‘ when someone shows you who they are, believe them’. The constant 4-5 day silent treatment: her going from 1 friends problems to another when I am w/ her, she wants that new ‘cause’ to fulfill her day, it makes her feel super important, so any input from me is inferior: making everyone feel like crap if something is out of place,missing or accidentally brakes...all these patterns they keep returning. At first I thought it was all me, my fault. It’s just easier to treat me poorly, later say ‘ i was horrible to you, I’m a horrible person & then expect me to say’ no your not, it’s not your fault’. X Repeat each week.

Silent Hours turn into days where I’m fed bread crumbs of replies, I start to find myself then suddenly Im expected to respond ASAP, & met w/ aggression if the explanation doesn’t suit her or I am happy it’s met w/ that underlying displeasure.

I want to belong.

🌺

[Birdy77]

The time will come 
when, with elation 
you will greet yourself arriving 
at your own door, in your own mirror 
and each will smile at the other's welcome, 

and say, sit here. Eat. 
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart 
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you 

all your life, whom you ignored 
for another, who knows you by heart. 
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, 

the photographs, the desperate notes, 
peel your own image from the mirror. 
Sit. Feast on your life.


Love After Love ~ Derek Walcott