I don't know how too

[Winona]

Hello everyone...i am so nervous..i am currently in an alcohol..drug..anxiety..downward spiral and i know what i have to do but can't. I work full-time..but am frequently having Mondays off work as i binge from Friday..till Sunday. Then wake with terrible anxiety and can't leave the house. I have always worked..always paid my bills..is this what you call a functioning addict? I know i have to stop but Friday comes and i look forward to just locking myself away and doing what i am doing. I am embarrassed!

[WilSmile]

Hi Winona

Please don’t be embarrassed. If you’re current situation was something that you could magically not do anymore, you would.

It sounds like you recognise that you do need help - both professional & personal help!

Good for you! Recognising that you need help/can’t sustain your current state is a very powerful moment.

As you said, you’ve always worked. It sounds like work is something very important to you & is a big part of who you are. Imagine if the drugs/alcohol/anxiety completely take over & you can’t work anymore. What would life look like then?

Hoping to hear more from you in the hope that you can find the strength to stop the spiral. Believe me, it will be hard but will be totally worth it 😉

[quirkywords]

Winona,

Welcome to the forum and well done for having the honesty to wrote your post.

I understand it is hard to admit toy yourself let alone to others that you need help..

You have managed to work full time and function and pay bills while being addicted and bingeing.

That is a big achievement to be so organised and determined that you can work full time as well as pay your bills .

If you feel like it I would to discuss more with you. You are not alone ad there is support here.

quirky

[Winona]

Hi Quirky...i have been in this never ending cycle since i was 18 years old. I was taught to always work hard, pay your rent/bills. I have always had a job but now as i am abusing myself more..anxiety is taking over. I have never suffered it..but with drugs in the mix..it's getting harder to recover and i am finding myself getting weaker. I am a happy person but my workmates have been asking me if i am ok? I have ALWAYS hidden it from my work/workmates..i could be so ill and they wouldn't know. I am getting tired.

Thanks for answering...means so much.

[Winona]

Hello..in my update of my struggle with alcohol..i have done it for myself...i do not drink in the week like i used too...it has been three weeks of doing that so far..i am still drinking and doing other things on the weekend but not as bad..i have read so many other's stories and their struggles. I said to myself..i am strong..i have had to be all my adult life..why am i choosing this to control my life..escaping..self medicating..when it was truly ruining and controlling me. I reached out to some friends...that have seen me violent..nasty..abusive to them..with me not remembering a thing..but waking with that sense of "what have i done now?" What a horrible thing it is to be told what you have said or done? thinking??? that is not me! As i said before my blackouts have been happening since 18 years old...there is hope and to believe in yourself that you can do it...