I am astounded with how much my life has changed!! It has to be a Miracle!! So never doubt 'miracles' can happen for you too!

[Suzbj]

Writing a response to a message took me back to a hell I never thought I could possibly get out of. I was lost and finished. There was no hope and no way out. I was done and dusted and death had to be better than this except I had a teenage child so I had to keep fighting. Then, when she was 20yo we lost our relationship completely due to her partner and in-laws. I spent every single day of five or so years waking up every morning and dreaming of suicide and my last thought each night.  But I had had to live with my mother's suicide, so I didn't want to hurt my daughter in that way. I felt so angry towards my daughter who no longer seemed to care that I didn't even have the right to End IT!!! That I had to consider my daughter and grandson!! 

Yes, that might sound selfish and was in the severe emotional pain I was feeling. There is a lot more I could ad to this but won't because it hurts too much. Bottom line, I am still here and I thank God, thank my daughter, thank my grandson, thank anyone and everyone, thank the doctors in intensive care, the paramedics and everyone involved that I thought let me down at the time. 

I thank God and our medical professionals I am still here. Nothing has changed re my daughter. I still have no contact with her or my grandson.  But I thank God, The Higher Power, The Universe, every day for being alive and the gift of life. I now live for me!

[geoff]

dear Susan, thank god you are with us, we would all miss you like hell, as you have helped so many people who are in desperate need for advice from us, and this means you.

You have had a difficult life, but you know what, that anybody on this site that all of us can save or help is a real bonus, and something that you and us should be very proud of.

This especially includes people who are thinking seriously about committing suicide, and if by any reason we can talk them out of this thought then this an effort that we have all joined together in order to help them.

It's a full on site that that requires an understanding and care, and Susan you should be aware that all sorts of different people come on here, and you have helped them so very much. L Geoff. x

[Jo3]

Hi Suz

You have so much strength to keep living.  I can see by what you wrote that you are an amazing person. You have gone through hell and back and you show us that you can live, no matter what.

I can't imagine what you've gone through with not seeing your daughter and grandson. But now you are living your life for you and that shows such strength to be able to do that.

Suz, I wish I had such a tiny bit of your strength, I don't know how you do it. You amaze me each time I read your responses. You truly support and encourage others on here.  And I thank you for that.

Jo xx

[Lillybell]

Hi Suzie, It is wonderful that you have healed from all of this. I can relate to a lot of what you have said over the last few days. The thing is you are a survivor. People who have lived the life you have develop amazing survival skills. I too went through a difficult period with my eldest daughter and like you I did the best I could. Often my best was  interpreted in different ways and she resented my over involvement in her life. What I realise now is that my parenting came from a place of fear. I was wanting to make sure that she didn't make the same mistakes that I did. It only pushed her away. She is still in my life as I wrote in another post, and has just given birth to my grandson. Now I'm trying to just back off and support where needed but not be over involved. I am enjoying being a grand parent but I also have my own life to live. I am now getting a sense of balance. Interestingly some of the mistakes I made also relate to being involved in fundamentalist religion, as you've also mentioned. I hope that one day your daughter can let go of the past and allow you back into her life. If that isn't to be, I'm sure you will be ok because you are a survivor and you realise that you deserve to live for yourself too. x

p.s Thought I would mention something everyone needs to put on their to do list. Go and see The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. It is the most wonderful, uplifting movie I have seen in a long time. Has to go on my favourites list. Thank God for the arts.

Now I'm off to see The Hobbit!

[Suzbj]

Thank you Geoff, Jo and Lillybell,

For your kind words of support. We all have our own lived experiences and all of us who are on this forum are survivors! It takes guts to be on this site. And there is much we can give each other in our journeys. Thank you so much Beyond Blue for this forum!! Jo, you are as strong as me and others on this forum - you just need to recognise that. We can all look at each other and think, "I couldn't deal with that!" But by the nature of depression or any other mood-altering disorder we ARE dealing with lots - and by the same token, isn't it true that we also get a great positive feeling when we overcome? And I reckon we get to appreciate the little things in life that so many other people miss. And it is the little things in life that are the biggest pleasure of all. We get to smell the roses 🙂 

[Jo3]

Hey Suz

Talk about smelling the roses!!!

We have a birds next just outside our back door.  So the other day I could hear chirping.  Went out to look and OMG - three little chicks chirping away, popping their heads up looking for their mum.

Then mum comes back with some worms and feeds her babies.

What a sight, a beautiful sight to see, a mother feeding her babies.

I realised how beautiful life is; how right in front of my eyes there's a bird feeling her babies. How precious is that!!

Jo

[Suzbj]

Hi Jo,

I'm hearing you! I'm currently playing a song that was instrumental in saving my life from hell. When the hard-yards where on re depression/suicidal thoughts I got with a drunken nasty man and my life got much worse. I was lost and I started to get angry like him. And then I heard this song that I won't mention as may be identifiable, and it woke me up to who I really am. And I got out. This song saved me as much as all the other 'little' things saved me and have brought me to a place of hope.

I am so lucky!

Luv ya Jo

Suz xx

[Neil_1]

Suz

You're uplifting, postive and powerful ... and this trail of posts almost bought tears to the eyes that for the most part, remain like the desert.  That's desert folks, and NOT dessert !

Suz, to come through all of what you've experienced and to reach the other side, I'm shaking my head as I'm typing this, as it proves what a positive and inspirational person you are ... and the inner strength you have.  Phew!   Just brilliant.

I love the two messages of 'smell the roses' and the baby birds.  For the last two years, in our Wisteria vine out the front of our home, black birds have made nests and have had their little ones ... and it's just a brilliant thing to see.  And they are just the absolute doting parents for the little ones.  Makes you wonder doesn't it.

And went to my Mum's a couple of days ago and she has some lovely roses out the back ... and yep, I went up to them and sniffed and wow, some beautiful fragrance they had.

And to others who have experienced the trauma of early childhood and beyond and to be here and now and living with it and dealing with it on a daily basis.  I bow to you and tip my hat to you ... bloody well "good on you" for fighting this and doing what's necessary to get through this life.  The road has been rocky for you all, but you continue to fight and show courage, determination and strength in spadefuls.  To me, that makes you amongst the most wonderful and brilliant people on this earth.

Cheers

Neil

[Suzbj]

Thank you Geoff

[Suzbj]

Thank you Jo, Lillybell and Neil