All people from all
demographics are living their own personal journeys. People with depression are
living their personal journeys. And yes, it does allow us all to understand and
give compassion, honesty, integrity and sensitivity. We are strong! Whether we
know it or not... we are! We have so much to give. That needs to begin with
giving that kindness, compassion, honesty, integrity and sensitivity to
ourselves first and foremost. Than we can truly move mountains! :)
I wished to die the day my
mother committed suicide when I was five years old. To me, and based on what my
father said, she did not want me. Otherwise she would have taken me with her,
right?? So I had to live. From the age of five years old I tried to find a way
to end things. I tried to commit suicide a few times. Then five years ago it
was for real. I still don’t understand biologically how I am still alive. I was
in intensive care on a million machines for a few days and was shocked to wake
up. I was disappointed that the hospital didn’t let me die. There was nothing
to live for. What was wrong with them to keep me alive and waste resources on
me??
Then I went out with a
mental health worker who was awesome. He let me get my head together and was
just there while I had a ***. Then an epiphany happened that has never left me.
“I am here alive because I am supposed to be. It is not my right to say when
this life is to end. I am supposed to be here right here and right now.”
As sad and difficult as
some times have been and as easy for me it would be to end things, I can’t ever
go there again. Not to say it is easy but I now know and respect that I need to
let my life pan out and I am so very grateful to still be alive. And I now know
there is a reason for me to be here even if I don’t understand what that is. I
could never have imagined that life could get so good. I am still unemployed,
there is still a lot I am working to but I wake up each day now with an immense
gratitude for being alive. That, in itself, is a miracle to me.
Love you all
Suz xx
