My mental health fell apart when I was 15. I lost my first boyfriend to suicide. It was a very isolating event and I quickly felt like no one understood me. It was 2 years later after a major struggle to deal with life, an attempt at suicide, and a dictionary of disturbing events (my parents separated 3 times, my mum had a breakdown, I was raped, and had 2 pregnancies terminated after numerous failed relationships) when my parents finally found the time for me to get me some treatment. I was admitted to a Psychiatric Hospital. I was 17 and I was the only teenager their, so a pretty scary place to spend 3 months. I was treated for PTSD and eventually discharged.
I lived the following 16 years feeling complete emptiness. There was no amount of happiness that could make up for all the sadness. I went from 1 psychologist to the next, never revealing my entire story through fear that it would break me. Eventually I couldn't suppress it anymore. I'd been self harming and battling with an eating disorder for years. I had become suicidal once again and ended up back in hospital. I was diagnosed with BPD, depression, and anxiety.
In the past 10 monthsI've attempted suicide 3 times, I've been in and out of hospital, I've self harmed often, I've seen numerous psychiatrists and Psychologists, I've been a lab rat for medications, and attended so many group therapy sessions I've lost count. Ive been through enough to make any human lose hope, and yet thats the one thing I've held onto. Without HOPE I wouldn't be here to share my story. If I could have given anything in the world to my boyfriend all those years ago it would've been HOPE.
If I could give the world a gift thats exactly what I'd choose, "AN ENDLESS SUPLY OF HOPE". Even when you think you've lost everything there's always HOPE, so cherish it and use it every step of the way.
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