Helping a Loved one with Bipolar

Beetle14

Hi everyone,

I am struggling at the moment and feel I am walking a very lonely journey as my long-term partner falls into a Bipolar episode, and I feel unable to help him.

I am not sure what I can do for him. I think he is aware that he is changing. He is much more irritable, and doing things that are very out of character for him, but more than anything he is withdrawing away from me, being very absent, and I am finding that very hard. We live together but he is at work / the gym a lot at the moment, or spending 2 hours on his own at a shop instead of coming home (and not notifying me, where as he has always rung me in the past if he was going somewhere after work). He is avoiding people that 'he may hurt' (His own words) by not going to social events too. He has a lot of trouble at work at the moment, which is triggering him, along with some episodes from my very mentally unwell episode a week ago, where she screamed in her face. She is living with her Dad at the moment.

He is not medicated, hasn't been for a few years now and has been managing his life very well up until now, . Happy, peaceful and content most days. The medicaitons made him very sick, including a few that the doctors even told him he couldn't have due to blood toxisity levels, so he went down the root of meditation, mindfulness, therapy, etc.. And he did really well for himself. I met him at a time in my life where I had hit rock bottom mentally (I have PTSD from former domestic violence, combined with anxiety and ADHD). He pulled me out of that hole, helping me a huge amount at a time. I feel like it is my turn to give back. But I am really struggling and it is also impacting both my mental and physical health.

My main issue is I can't seem to talk to him about anything. If I try to bring up I am worried, or that I have noticed his behaviour changing, and should he be going back to therapy to get help, he just snaps at me. And with my PTSD I can't cope with that. He is not nearly as bad as my x ever was, but it's the triggers in me. I try to give him space but then I feel like I am losing him altogether. He has become so absent, almost a prisoner of his mind.

I miss him and I am worried as I do not know what to do if he gets worse. He seems to be in a depressive / hypomanic combination at the moment, what if he goes full manic? I have never seen this in him, only heard about it from stories from him and his mother. How do I manage that?

Thank you for your help.

white knight

Hi, welcome

I sympathise, I am bipolar among other things. My dear wife has clinical depression so in many ways we can support each other however there are times when we are both down and need each other but neither can reach out, we accept now, when that occurs, we have to ride it out ourselves and reunite mentally. So I understand your difficulties both having mental health issues.

We here are well aware and The short story is- they are adults and dont have to, even though its their family that suffers. So sad. Having had many episodes of withdrawing from family/.partner and wanting to be left alone I understand him, his triggers with other people, a need to escape. Because he is doing this with everyone, when he withdraws from you it is better not to take it personally. It's everyone!.

So, the only real productive suggestion I have is to, when the opportunity arises, you suggest that its ok to withdraw, limit his communication etc but a text telling you where he is and that he is ok is the minimum you want him to do. Reassurance that you love him and you'll be there when he wants to be picked up or chat is available. Remind him about lifeline or he can ring the number at the bottom of this page- write it down and ask him to put it in his wallet.

He could also be picking up on your worrying. Worry is natural but it is also non productive. Living with him successfully will need some changes in you , even your lifestyle- add a hobby, a sport, keep busy, a change will be difficult but accepting that this is how he is going to be due to lacking medication is the only way forward for you personally. No changes in him will occur as I've mentioned at the beginning. An ex partner of mine did make a GP appointment for herself and asked me to accompany me. I did and she mentioned straight away there about my issues and I was shocked (she had told him before the event about the issue). I then got the help I needed so that could work... or backfire.

I'm sorry to be the bearer of not such good news. With your hands handcuffed you must imo focus on your own survival and health needs. I wish you luck. I know without my medication I'd be like him and I've endured periods of my life pre meds days when I've been suicidal, attempted once and self harmed. I'm tempted to say that with your own health issues that the relationship might have to end if you find it all too much. Your best is good enough and you've done so well..

Repost anytime, we are here for you.

DISARRAY

The unmedicated adult bipolar sufferer is a ship in an ocean of despair

They look around and all their loved ones are there

Smaller boats trying to guide that liner to the port

Crying aloud and pleading as a last resort

But alas the captain has no rudder called medication

He looks on the horizon with procrastination

He doesnt see the boats below, family and friends

Easier to set sail - a means to an unknown end

And so port is made for those boats of care

They search the horizon, no liner there

The streamers they held broken and drift away

Without a rudder there's only ... disarray

TonyWK

Beetle14

Thank you for your well thought out post and beautiful poem, it says it all.

you are right. I realise I have to take a step back and let him navigate this in his own way. He has done it successfully before. We have been together three years and this is the worst one I have seen him in but the others he pulled out fairly quickly once he realised what was going on. It is very hard seeing him go through it though, listening to him being so negative about himself and the world around him, assuming things that are observably not true, but he won’t be told. This morning he decided his cat doesn’t like him anymore, that she only likes me. Even though she sat outside the bathroom door waiting for him during his shower. It’s something he would never think to say at other times.
I know that all I can do is watch and try to remain positive for him. He’ll get through.

as to your suggestions about the helplines, I don’t think he would accept it. He’s had some bad experiences with therapists and believes he has to do this alone unfortunately.
thanks again

white knight

Yes, depending on the individual how we can or cannot help. Many years ago I had a neighbour and still good friends, he was niave with mental illness. He came over one day and I tried to put on a happy face then burst into uncontrollable tears. This went on for about 10 minutes. At all times all he did was keep his hand on my shoulder, he knew I had to let it out. At the end he said "how a bout a cuppa". One of the best supporting acts I've had despite his ignorance on MI.

I've got a post below, the first post of the thread, it could be something to ponder on. Using wit and very short replies you could make more of an impact on his thinking. eg

He says "the cat only likes you" you could reply "well he doesnt stand outside the door for me"

"I'll never go to another therapist" .... "like truck drivers there's good and not so good"

"medication doesnt work" .... "thats not what many people with MI say"

"I dont want to get help" .... "not even for me"?

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/wit-the-only-answer-for-torment/td-p/71440

TonyWK

Beetle14

Thank you white knight. I try do do this regularly, in fact it’s one of the things that keep us going ok. But sometimes I really mess up the wording and make things worse.

I find the whole “human” thing hard. Sometimes I just want to fully withdraw from everyone but it usually makes me feel worse if I do , but when trying to interact with others a terrible case of foot in mouth will ensue sooner or later. Thats one good thing about my partner, while his initial reaction can be hard to deal with, he is very forgiving in the long run of my “f**kups” as I like to call them.

anyway. Thanks again .

white knight

Foot in mouth is common. What is important is a/ you accept that it is normal and you should be able to rectify your poor choice of words b/ that anyone that doesnt forgive you when you've made an effort is unforgiving and needs to alter their behaviour c/ that you partner isnt perfect either.

I've been here many years now and over that time have had several poor choices of words and people have responded in an angry fashion, so I've had to hone my skills and do what I suggested you do- accpet that you are human, only humans make mistakes. No mistakes? a human is in denial.

Finally- sometimes a subtle warning is good "I am a bit quiet as I'll say the wrong thing"... Then most people will say "go ahead". Such skills come natural for some and others not. It isnt your fault.... repeat that to yourself.

TonyWK 🙂