GUILT the tormentor

[white knight]

Guilt in my opinion originates from a factor in our childhood. I dont think its hereditary but if our homelife includes generations of narcissistic behaviour then it could feel like its passed down.

I know its not passed down because although I am a child of a narcissistic mother (and a nurturing one) I stopped the flow on to my children by refusing the trend of becoming a controlling parent. If hereditary I couldnt have succeeded. So why did I end up suffering guilty intrusive thoughts?

As my father worked 14 hour days 6 days a week, our mother was our prime parent. She didnt work. Outsiders never knew. Its what went on behind closed doors that scarred us forever.

As a young child, there is a huge difference between control and guidance. As teenagers there is a gap between a parent with recommendations and domination. As we arrive in our 20's we cant deal with our bossy parent any longer and fight back against what is by now manipulation and a gang mentality...even emotional blackmail.

The narcissistic parent is clever. They'll use any means at their disposal to control. In my case turning our loving father and relatives against us. They can be possessive of your friends and even try to coerce you to choose a partner preferring one that can be "moulded" into their deputy...more control.

If you've read this far you might also be a victim. What can you do?

Im 61yo. Right up till 54yo I tried everything but nothing worked. My sister and I broke off all contact, put "return to sender" on letters from our mother and as she had ruined my first wedding in 1985, got a court order so she couldnt ruin my second wedding (her threat)

It is highly unlikely a relationship with a narcissist of little contact will work as the control they lust for isnt with them, its with you. How dare you control your own life!

So guilt forms in ways like being told- they are never wrong, you are at fault, you make poor choices, if you do that I'll do this, if you do that I'll ruin your life, etc

Add to that some anxiety if the narcissistic parent is a "yeller". The expectations are too great as to your immature capacity to "be a good boy". You are their robot.

I attended a psychologist. I'll never forget his words at the last session "do you think you need her permission to live without fear?"

That was the light that sparked me realising her hold was a firm grip.

Demand to yourself the basic right to mental freedom. Walk away, get help to repair the guilt wound ..into a scar.

Tony WK

[Guest_1584]

Well , it def can be but nah not in our case . l probably didn't explain it in the right way but our guilt , my sis and l both, comes from the fact that we both have good hearts . We're both very loyal people and we'd both do anything for a loved one. So lf we mess up or let somebody down , or family down , we'd feel guilty. Where as the rest of them are so self absorbed and so unaware , they wouldn't feel a thing , if they even noticed letting someone down or wronging someone at all.

That's why my other sister was so amazed l'd flt guilt , she'd never feel guilt for anything. That particular sister and l were once involved in a real estate deal. She just pulled out one day, costed me and my ex w 1000s , and weeks and weeks of work l'd done on it , didn't even apologize, it didn't even cross her mind. She felt nothing , never even considered or even thought about any of that, totally oblivious. Well the rest aren't much better.

My parents were both very good hearted people that would do anything they could or give someone in need the shirt of their back. My dad would've been apologizing 10yrs if he let me and my ex down like that and he'd be do he's best to make it up to you, so would mum. Dunno what happened with the rest of them and most of them are millionaires but my sis and l are the only ones like mum and dad.

rx

[Guest_1584]

ps

many times l've thought your actually better of being like the rest of my family, so much of the world is these days , it's a safer bet in self preservation that is for sure.

Another thing most of them have in common is a total insensitivity or awareness of peoples feelings or a situation , or saying something , seeing something. They'd miss it all , straight over their heads,

rx

[JacintaMarie]

Hi

I saw Elizabeth CP's post and that resonated, I had a loving home life but outside the home, I feel useless & need to do stuff, so I don't feel guilty.

I see things on the media as well and I feel bad or read stuff, I try to do the right thing to alleviate the guilt but there are always people worse than me, like the people in India, Africa & other poor countries, we are so lucky when others are not. I give money when I can, I wish every country could get better, be better, so no one needs to be a refugee. And the environment, I hope the planet can do better, I am trying to help the planet.

[quirkywords]

Jacinta I feel guilty because of the privileges I have having a house and food to ear when so many in Australia and the world are homeless or living on rubbish tips.

Like I know I have many advantages vans wish everyone was safe house and fed.

[white knight]

Hi JM

Excess guilt is common. General guilt makes us aware of our responsibilities and be considerate. So it's excess guilt that becomes an issue and it can be debilitating especially the source which is sometimes hidden in our upbringing.

The fact is, guilt needs therapy. Forums or any fruitful discussion is helpful but unlikely to have the effect needed to recover. Rebellion can also help. In my case I rebelled against my over domineering mother and haven't seen her for 10 years. It has helped as she is in denial of the things she did to us so that being an ongoing edge was best to disconnect.

Do you think your guilt is from your childhood?

TonyWK

[Guest_1584]

For me nope not at all.

Few basic things shoulda coulda stuff that many would look back and wish they'd done differently but that's life you were growing up no way to get it all right.

l have guilt's about ex w, guilt's about ex gf . Over the yrs with ex w as we talk a lot for our daughters stuff and a few things along the way pop up here and there so it's been a chance to apologize . Also wrote her a letter once too and l know she's appreciated it.

Personally l've tried to bring up with different people at times if there was something and apologized or explained too.

l could really suggest if it's someone your in touch with or see , bring it up one day and talk about it lightly and apologize, lightly as in not dwelling too much. ln all my experiences it's really paid and they've appreciated it or else didn't even see it as any problem to begin with so either way it gives you both peace .

When guilt really tortures me is when l don't get that chance or know l never will.

rx

[JacintaMarie]

Hi Tony

Maybe, it could have been, but my family was good to me, I had a loving home, a very good childhood though my grandmother may have used emotional blackmail to me & my particular personality listens to it, she also uses it on her children, my mother & Uncles. Now, I feel sorry for her as she literally cannot help it, I think she has an undiagnosed mental illness.

At work I try to do what I'm told, if I don't people seem to be annoyed if I don't do it (I mean little things, that they could do but they are too busy) so I do it or I feel guilty if I don't though this is my head that tells me that.

I proberly repeat myself as it seems that they didn't hear me or I keep on talking at the wrong time.

[JacintaMarie]

Hi Qurrkywords

Thanks, I even feel guilty at work, that my metabolism is better at keeping me warm then the others at work, as l'm the only one, I feel guilty for that, & I feel bad that I'm tired of their complaining! (It has been 5 years) what a selfish person I am!

I try to make them feel happy so they feel warm, I have Googled it & there are lots of factors as to why people feel cold. And plus too it's virtually impossible to warm every where in an office.

I do get told it's up to them but they only have one way they want or it's the highway.

I'm probably obsessing over this, so I'll stop now

[Guest_1584]

As in with ex gf.

l asked in the new love thread if l should write to her . When we split l said things and she said things , but l'm still riddled with guilt about what l said . And l know she will carry things l said with her for yrs and yrs now, but l didn't mean them like that and they came out all wrong.

A letter to her l could explain , and then she'll forever know, and l will too , and so the guilt will be gone and she'll have peace too. But l've ran it by a few people and no one thinks l should write the letter , they think l should leave it and look forward and move on.

l can't really work that out , but all have said the same thing so maybe l'm missing something.

rx

[white knight]

The following link explains the reasons for Guilt.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201208/the-definitive-guide-guilt

There is many reasons but here is some extracts from that link.

Reason 1/ Guilt for something you did. The most obvious reason to feel guilty is that you actually did something wrong. This type of guilt may involve harm to others, such as causing someone physical or psychological pain. You may also feel guilty because you violated your own ethical or moral code, such as by cheating, lying or stealing. It’s appropriate to feel guilty when you’ve done something wrong. Feeling the emotion of guilt for an action deserving of remorse is normal; to not feel guilty, in these cases, may be a sign of psychopathy. The problems occur when you ruminate over this guilt; it is better to accept the fact that it happened, apologize to the person or persons you harmed, and then figure out how to avoid committing the same act in the future.

2/ Guilt for something you didn’t do, but want to. You’re thinking about committing an act in which you deviate from your own moral code or engage in behavior that is dishonest, unfaithful, or illegal. Like Jimmy Carter, you may have mentally lusted after someone other than your spouse or long-term partner. This is a tough type of guilt to handle. It’s true that you didn’t actually commit the act, and so you’re still sitting on the moral high ground. However, we all know that the very fact that you’re contemplating an act that violates your own standards can be guilt-provoking.

3/ Guilt for something you think you did. As cognitive theories of emotions tell us, much of the unhappiness we experience is due to our own irrational thoughts about situations. If you think you did something wrong, you can experience almost as much guilt as if you actually committed the act — or even more. One fairly typical cognitive source of guilt is the magical belief that you can jinx people by thinking about them in a negative or hurtful way. Perhaps you’ve wished that a romantic rival would experience some evil twist of fate. Should that evil twist of fate come to pass, you may, at some level, believe that it was due to your own vengeful wish. At some level you “know” that you’re being illogical, but it’s hard to rid yourself completely of this belief. We also know that our memory for past events is highly flawed. It’s possible for you to have done nothing wrong at all...

Open to discussion

TonyWK