DIDN'T GET THAT JOB OR LOST THAT COMPETITION - HOW DO YOU FEEL?

[The_Bro]

Hi Everybody

I have found it really hard to understand and control emotions if I don't succeed at something that is important to me.

Things like not getting that job you really needed and were very keen on, or just losing a race, a game, or anything you wanted to win!

I wonder what we can learn from the Olympics? I was struck by Genevieve Gregson's reply, when asked how she felt about snapping her achilles tendon in the 3000m steeple chase when in sight of the finish line. It was also her birthday!

"I'm not OK yet but I will be" was her incredible response. Here she was on crutches, her hopes and dreams in tatters after many years of sacrifice and training. Her inner strength and self belief drove her to explain that she was already mentally working on a recovery and training plan, after surgery that would keep her on crutches for many months.

Of course it hurts big time when you fail for whatever reason. In races I often looked for all sorts of excuses, or if I didn't get that job it was always that stupid company's fault and I didn't want the job anyway!

A while ago I changed how I responded, looking inside myself, remembering the success I have enjoyed, and even congratulating others who had beaten me. Is that called being a good loser? The real thing is, it made me feel much much better about losing, and the pain became manageable almost straight away. Call it karma, but a few years ago I lost a job application after interview and I was sure it was going to be me. I sent the company a nice email thanking them for the opportunity and reinforcing my interest in working with them. I allowed myself to feel pretty miserable.

Know what? They called me a week later, told me the other applicant was not suitable, and I got the job and loved it for four years!

Maybe instead of trying to run from pain, we should embrace it, lean into it, go through it instead of trying to go over it? When things fall apart, isn't that the opportunity to find what we are really made of?

I think Buddhists call it 'Suffering Properly' - let yourself feel pretty crappy, sit with your feelings but try to not let them force you into sudden actions you may regret later. Pretty soon you may start thinking about all the things you like about yourself (there are always lots of them if you look deep inside), and preparing for the future and another challenge!

I think I might have raved on a bit so please forgive me.

How do you handle things when you lose? Let me know!

Seeya, The Bro

[Gabs_]

Hi The Bro,

I love this post! Thank you. I didn't hear Genevieve Gregson's quote, but it is so moving. Not covering it up with a fluffy response, but acknowledging that right now, it's rubbish, but it will get better.

I think we are so conditional as a society to "win" and "succeed", that we can fall into the trap of never celebrating our wins (because once we've got that promotion, we're focussed on the next one we need), avoiding things that we will think we might fail at (because failure is associated with "bad"), or, like you said, not sitting with the disappointment of failing/not achieving the goal.

I did a leadership course a few years ago where we had to map out our lives and our "crucible moments" (the moments that impacted your life). It was actually really interesting because almost everyone in the course identified moments of failure or negativity as having the greatest learnings and impacts on your life. Eg. Someone didn't get the job they wanted, therefore they reassessed what they actually wanted in life which led to a career change (which wouldn't have happened if they had gotten the job).

It's a really great exercise to do, because you start to realise that you learn more from those moments (let's call them our "failings"), more than our "successes". In organisational psychology, they refer to it as a "growth mindset" because rather than punishing yourself or others for the "failing", you are actually taking the "failing" and applying it to learning and growth (can you tell that I love this subject).

There is also some really interesting work out there on post-traumatic growth, and this is a great link on it, if you want to have a read: https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/beautiful-minds/post-traumatic-growth-finding-meaning-and-creativity-in-adversity/

Haha - I think I've now raved on a bit too, but would love to discuss this further!

Gabs (the growth mindset nerd) x

[The_Bro]

Gidday Gabs - I am humbled by your post, thank heaps. And I really enjoyed reading it too!

You have made some excellent points.

Hopefully this new thread may help others in our forum community.

Cheers for now, The Bro

[amberlite]

hello i like your post a lot, it is not whether you win or loose but how you play the game and i love the buddhist term , it is all so wonderful if only i could make it stay and behave. good luck and thank you for the brilliant post.

[Amanda2000]

Hi The Bro

Thank you for sharing your positive thinking. And congratulations on landing the job you mentioned!

I have really enjoyed watching the Olympics. Internet streaming has made it much easier to watch the sports that I love. Not like the old-days when you had to be glued to the tv all day and waited for your favourite sport to be shown. But the end of these 2 weeks has brought me some sadness.

1. For myself - The Olympics have given me a little bit of excitement in the covid-lockdown. Now it's back to the mundane everyday life with the uncertainty of when this covid era will end.

2. For the athletes - For the ones who did not succeed, I feel their disappointment and a 3-yr wait to the next opportunity (ie. assuming they'll get selected again for Paris). For the medal-winners, they'll return to their normal lives and eventually people will forget who they are - such a short-lived moment of glory given the years of training & injuries along the way.

[The_Bro]

Gidday Amberlite and thanks heaps for your feedback. You made my day!

Yes it is really challenging to try and be consistent with emotional control. Maybe its better just to let those emotions wash over you, they will soon subside once you recognise what they are for and their cause.

Keep up with that self belief and what you have to offer the world - life is actually quite amazing!

By for now, The Bro

[The_Bro]

Hi Amanda and thanks so much for your reply - its a great feeling that you may have helped some one!

Yes I also loved the Olympics. Your comments about the athletes after the games are interesting.

I read something about the large numbers of them who suffer depression and anxiety - and decided to do a post about that today.

It seems the key for athletes is to have a personal plan after the games. Could be anything from studying, renovating, or a new training plan.

Plus staying connected with the community to support them!

Bye for now - The Bro

[amberlite]

you are soooo right, i try and try to stay aware because it is not the trigger that ails me. it is my thoughts that allow the trigger to even exist. so i respond like a snail and i retract into my shell and i rewind my mind to find my malfunctioning thought/ feeling and i allow it to be and it is uncomfortable and then it fades. i find experiencing the primary malfunction to be less awful then having a secondary emotion. i wish we were all taught this along side the abc's at an age when simplicity is everything.

[The_Bro]

Hi again Amberlite

You know the most powerful point you have just made is "I allow it to be and it is uncomfortable and then it fades".

Yes these thoughts are never ever comfortable to start with. Good on you for recognising them, allow them to enter your consciousness, then allowing them to fade. As they invariably will!

Primary, secondary - they are all emotions that clutter our brain, not helped along at all by social media trolling. What encourages me is that you are working on it and have some great points to make.

Have a good day and try singing out loud! That annoys the living daylights out of the demons and they run away!

The Bro

[amberlite]

Hi, that is so funny how the above post can be read in two ways. In way one I see you saying sm trolls cause people mental disruption. (true) and then you return to subject of consciousness and congratulate my efforts. In way two it reads like an accusation which is hilarious. Go with peace who ever you are