Circular Trend

[French]

Hi

i have a moderately crap (diagnosed) mental illness. my goals in life are relatively small. but. i just cant seem to reach them.

everyone around me lives lifes that are either full and happy, or. are extremely productive ones.

.........i have neither.

i have been fired from employment multiple times for not being able to cope with difficult situations.

these situations others might find easily navigable.

i get aggressive and hostile when cornered, have trouble understanding the intentions of others, i dont seem to be able to manage the outcomes of these conflicts, get paranoid when around others for almost any length of time and i have massive fluctuations in mood. temperament and motivation 

i do pride myself on TRYING to be a good, kind and patient person, and people do notice that! (when i'm fit and healthy), but, after awhile people generally are repelled by what they see and my distant demeanor. 

iv been fired 3 x times in 3 years. yet, i claim to be a good person

iv been single for a long time. yet, i repel the advances of the ladies

and i haven't a friend in the world. yet, cant stand the thought of having someone even casually being around me

i love my family. yet, refuse to see or talk to them unless i have to.

i hate it! but, i can't possibly see life any other way

it seems to be a circular trend, great for 3 months, catastrophic for another 3. then,  rinse and repeat

thanks for the rant French 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

You didnt mention what illness you have so I'll talk a bit about our role here.  We are not trained mental health professionals rather people with mental health challenges that have life experiences that assist us in answering members like yourself the best we can.

Over many years I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar2 and dysthymia and this year at the age of 68yo I was told I'm on the high functioning autism spectrum. Now this recent one has floored me but makes total sense, finally I've found out why my mood swings are so bad (although bipolar has a lot to do with it also), why I dont fit in, think differently that most others, have an inventive side as well as poetry, deep sensitivity and so on. The benefit of learning about yourself in this regard is that yourself and any partner you might end up with can make allowances for such illness. My wife for example when she has a disagreement with me she raises her voice a little, not much, but I used to yell at her "stop yelling" but it was my noise sensitivity from under the autism spectrum that was the reason, no she knows it wasnt her and I'm also not to blame. 

So over the decades I've now realised why I couldnt work with committees, couldnt stand pompous people, arrogant people and demanding people. Yet I would have given myself fully to kind reasonable and caring souls.

I have a feeling whatever your mental illness is, that there could be symptoms of them that is the cause of your troubles. This of course would need professional investigation.

So reply anytime and I hope you benefit from our forum

TonyWK

[BlueLily]

Hi French

Welcome to the forum and thanks for being so honest.

I will have to disagree with one comment, "everyone around me lives that are either full and happy, or. are extremely productive ones". I used to believe the same for a while until I opened up about my own struggles to both friends and strangers alike to realise that they go through very similar challenges on a daily basis but they never talk about it or pretend like everything is easy. Worst of all, they put all those positive and amazing posts on social media that it looks like they are living their best life when they are not even close to. 

I know it sounds like a lot when fired 3 times within 3 years, but to be hired by the employers they must have seen the potential in you and you must have stood up among the other candidates. I know the pain because I went through an insecure time that no employers were willing to hire me. 

I myself struggle a lot dealing with difficult situations where I panic and start thinking catastrophically at workplace. However, overtime I have learnt to do all those thinking just in my head rather than verbalising them to the team, and then try to move away from the situation for a bit to do breathing exercises. After that I clear my head to think step by step what could have gone wrong and what is in my control that I can do to rectify the situation. 

Also, I've found that by sitting back and watching and listening to others as much as possible help me clear my own misunderstandings and clarify the intentions of others. That way by the time I speak I use the input from all the team members to come up with good ideas in my own head.

Good luck with your journey to break the cycle!

[French]

Hi TonyWK

thanks for the reply

while i understand that everybody goes through some form of illness at least once in their life and that shouldn't be poked fun of. some are WAY worse than others! some people like us struggle there entire life finding shortcuts to dealing with ourselves, and others both as individuals and collectively. and, boy its challenging! if left alone, i excel at most of my duties. but completely disconnect from the reality of others!

if im around others then, its just a matter of time before thing start to fall to pieces!

its FTR i have Paranoid schizophrenia.

most of the time i'm relatively normal and sometimes i'm completely unaware of my behavior.

but, either way i'm in my own little world!

(not that you did) but its very stereotypical to think everyone with this condition is dangerous, useless, unproductive and incapable of living a relatively productive life.

unfortunately sometimes MY version of reality its lied to, used, talked about and unappreciated.

when having a "episode" i have almost no ability to communicate my point across, mainly because i'm talking shit or not making any sense!

also people don't understand that confronting me, arguing their point and calling me a liar makes things FAR worse, for both parties. because for me it is real!

i realize that its me, most of the time. and that if i get time to adjust i eventually get the point ad just shut up.

my relationships with family, some neighbors, coworker or bosses deteriorate to such a degree that people just don't both anymore.

i genuinely think that nobody can help me and that iv just got to do the best that i can, without having my stupid brain sabotaging myself to such a catastrophic degree

i tell myself to just minimizing the damage, mainly to myself and my relationships with anyone in my life.

P:S i'm about to be fired again. this time due to being on leave to much

 rinse and repeat, Right?

thanks for the rant French 

[white knight]

Thankyou for that informative reply, so interesting for me how you experience difficulties with people. I too have such a minefield but clearly not as many in terms of impact. I've resorted to minimal civil Hello... got to run.. bye type brief chats, enough so I'm not seen as rude.

I'm retired bit the last 10 years I had low communication down to a fine art. I'd be in the background and allow others to talk all day long. After all I'm there to earn money not make friends. 

I'm sorry you're going to be sacked. I hope you get value here. Do you have a passion, hobby, follow footy?

TonyWK