Alcohol - destroyer of families and souls

[stormtigers]

Hi

Little bit background. I am just over 60, my wife has just turned 48. We have been married 18 years have two beautiful daughters.

My wife is an alcoholic, serious demonsare emerging and I don't know what to do. Reading some of the posts from others is like reading our story. Narcissism, my fault she drinks, life like walking on eggshells, and now she wants to move out after a huge argument over nothing in which my youngest daughter also got involved because she is tired of hearing us fight and me being blamed for things that are just not right.

It's is not an option, I am self employed have been most of my life and therefore almost unemployable at such an age. I have to keep working at what I do but that means extended periods of travel overseas (sometimes 2 weeks, sometimes a few months but family flies to join me when school holidays are on). I hate it but it's life. Work is very irregular, 2 years ago minimal work , home for almost 10 months. Then had an 9 week and 5 month contracts the following year. I get paid well WHEN I am working. I am not here to debate this is a factor in "confused lifestyle" which brings pressure or stress. But we have no other options believe me I have tried to find alternatives. The kids still at school, mortgage and bills have to be paid.

I tell you all this because if she moves out I can no longer work and that will destroy our family, everything we have worked for.

Her story is one of confused life, widow met widower (children both sides) then came my wife. Her mother died when she was young which hurts her and cause of much sadness. She hated her domineering father, her sisters did their best to raise her but domineered her life. Finally out she moved in with chap who hit her and she left. She does have history of habitual use of cigarettes, alcohol and (no longer)cannabis). She was a totally different person in early years of marriage. But now age, changes in life for BOTH of us don't help the situation. She has some back and hip problems which she thinks drinking helps with, refuses medications but alcohol is replacing food. Will not got to AA. The only time we fight is when she is drunk. I try t do what is recommended give her space, not argue but sometimes the hurt inflcited gets the better of me and I argue back. I just don't know how to handle this anymore, what to do. Our kids are beside themselves with fear of family breakup.

I love her totally, need her, want her - I just don't want the alcoholic !

[Croix]

Dear Stormtigers~

Welcome to the Forum, hopefully you will get the benefit from some other people's experiences here.

From the sound of it every member of your family needs support. Obviously your wife needs specialist support for her addiction, and medical support for her back and hip problems - and sadly also for the physical effects of long term alcohol abuse.

May I ask why she refuses AA? Is there a religious objection or simply not recognizing there is a problem? If the former there are alternatives. The same with medication, do you know why she refuses that?

You yourself need the support of experts and those who have to live with someone who abuses alcohol, and that actually can be a help. I suggest you talk this over with our 24/7 Help Line on 1300 22 4636 and see what is available in your area.

Of course your kids are petrified, from your post it sounds as if a break up really could happen. Do you have any family who can give them comfort and support - even refuge - at times?

While it is a big downside I totally understand your position with work, if you have no alternatives then you have to keep going. May I ask how your wife and kids get on while you are away? Does her drinking lessen?

Trying to keep the peace when someone becomes drunk and unreasonable is just about impossible, and although you might find it very had removing yourself during the worst times might be an option. Your anger, even if totally justified, is merely fuel and upsetting to onlookers.

Are there times when your wife is reasonable?

Maybe one of the reasons your wife is talking of leaving is if your youngest sided with you, leaving her isolated and hurt.

Sadly I suspect this is a worsening situation as your wife's health deteriorates, I've talked of family support for your kids, is there anyone for you, a sibling or freind perhaps? Facing all this on your own is terribly hard. Then again maybe if you wife had a non-drinking friend close to her that might help too.

Croix