Worried my husband might still want to be trans

[Oakie]

I have been with my partner for 5 years now and now married for 6 months.

About 3 yrs ago I was told about my husband’s decision to transition into a women many years ago.He lived his life like this and took hormones and was about to have gender reassignment surgery and then changed his mind and started to live male again.

Within all of that he lost his marriage and family.This was about 15yrs ago.

Then he met me and eventually told me.It was definitely a shock for me to discover.We worked through this and he told me he wasn’t interested in going down this path ever again and we have since built a life together and married.

So this morning I was cleaning up and found 2 bras in his toiletries bag.

I rang him and asked why he still had these.He said he didn’t know and i can just throw them out

He said the thoughts are something he is battling with alot but makes a choice to not go down that path because it hurt everyone and himself.

Before we married I wanted certainty that this part of his life was done and he promised me and I trusted him.

Now im feeling confused and lost.

Is this his true self.I would prefer him to be his true self then fight these feeling and live a lie with me not knowing what is real and im left here not knowing really of any certainty.

I love him and his masculinity is a big part of that and I did say that before we married.

I have no idea what to think or feel right now.

[Croix]

Dear Oakie~

Welcome here to the Forum. It must have been a shock to find that underwear and now of course you do not know what to believe. Do you mind if I suggest things may not be simply black or white?

It may well have been that when you discussed your husband's past life you both thought it was a closed book - and he genuinely meant it. Now he is saying "the thoughts are something he is battling with a lot ". I'm sure he wishes to do right by you, but maybe now is pulled two ways.

One of the worst things I believe can happen in a relationship is for lies to creep in trying to hide thoughts or behaviour. This completely erodes trust and can make everyone miserable and feel trapped or hopeless.

Can I suggest you have a talk with your husband - in a friendly and non-accusing manner and see how he feels. It may be you will end up convinced he loves you, but is being drawn back to engage in trans as well - not an easy thing to reconcile.

I would think it is only after you have an honest talk and understand everything will you be able to make any decisions at all. Persuading him to say how he feels rather than  trying too hard to mask things  and give you what he thinks you want will be a hard thing to do.

It is only natural to think of this as a disaster with him leaving to engage in another lifestyle, however things may not be as bad as you fear. If he cares about you it might be possible for some sort of compromise be made - do you think if all else fails that might be a possibility?

If he says he genuinely loves and cares about you that has great value and may in fact be the truth.

I"d think this is a most stressful time for both of you. Do you have anyone who you can lean on at this most stressful tme -a family member or friend perhaps? I realise it would be a difficult subject to bring up however trying to cope with this alone is very hard and someone that just listens and cares can make a difference. If you do not then counceling after you know hte facts might be appropriate.

He too may need the benefit of counseling, after all he is not the first person to be in this situation, perhaps QLIFE might be good place for him to visit.

I hope you feel like coming back and saying how you are getting on

Croix