Will I ever stop feeling guilty?

[crushergirl]

5 years ago I left my 20 year marriage and came out. I had an affair with another woman, left my children with my ex husband and began my life as a lesbian. Ive always been gay but only acted on it 5 years ago. My first relationship didn't last a year and it became very nasty and she was mentally abusive. My second relationship is so much better, we are married and she loves me no matter what. BUT I still feel so guilty for leaving my children behind with my ex husband even though it was the best decision for them as it meant I didn't have to uproot them from their school and their life. They also did not like my first relationship person. They blamed her for losing their mum and they knew she was a bad person. I didn't listen but I soon found out the hard way.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of them, feel guilty for what I did to them and my ex husband who is a good guy.

This causes me to be depressed and believe that I am unworthy of anyone's love. My children don't like my wifes children so don't visit anymore now that they are older and independent. Sometimes I wonder if they are punishing me for what I did to them and I often think that they are better off without me. This leads to bad thoughts.

I hope that this forum will be able to support me in working through this, finding better ways to think and help me stop feeling so guilty all of the time.

[white knight]

Hi CG,  Welcome to Beyond Blue forum

Guilt is a terrible feeling. You feel a failure, a selfish person perhaps and yet you have followed your inner dreams to the detriment of your family. Boy, you do feel hurt.

The first thing that sticks out in my mind is that you cannot expect your children to like your wife's children. Mixed families rarely work. you are with her for mutual happiness not so all children adult or not- get along. If necessary have a group meeting to ask that all be civil when they meet but "we dont expect you all to love each other".

You children are grown up. There doesnt seem to be any reason you cannot meet u with your children at a cafe to keep your love alive. Eventually they will open up, air their disappointment and then eventually understand hopefully.

Remember, to err is human. Guilt isnt good and you might be on course to visit your GP and seek some mental health assessment. Take care. And please dont forget....you will always be your children mum and they might need you one day in that role.

[geoff]

dear CG, thanks for joining us.

Everybody has their way of thinking, their own attitudes and certainly their own sexual desires, so first of all it doesn't who you prefer, male or female, but being married for 20 years must have been difficult for you, especially when your husband ( then ) wanted to be close with you.

Your children are no different than when a married couple divorce and then remarry, and the other person also has children, rarely do they ever get on, and perhaps the same goes on with the other person, whether it's male, female or the same sexual partner, and this could even happen with your ex-husband if he decides to marry again.

My ex wife is living with a chap who is much older than her, my children don't like him or his kids, nor do I but of course I have no say in the matter, whereas I live alone and have no partner.

I agree ' there doesn't seem to any reason you cannot meet u with your children at a cafe to keep your love alive', where they may have some gripes, that's normal, as my kids do exactly the same with their mum, but this wears off after time, and as the saying goes 'you can't flog a dead horse', figuratively speaking.

Your kids don't have to see any of them, just you, your their mum and always will be, and if you like you can still see your ex-husband if this is what you want, but if however it's going to cause headache for you, then it's best not to.

If you need counselling then please do so by firstly seeing your doctor. L Geoff. x

[Ali509]

Hi Crushergirl,

I just wanted to say welcome and thankyou for posting this. I wish I could some better advice... but I don't have children and maybe cant fully understand.

something someone said to me once stuck in my mind... and I wonder if it could help you. She said 'aim for the direction you want to go in and eventually it will take you there.' ie imagine a place you would like your life/relationships to be and just try to think about that instead of all the negative stuff. Basically just a positive way of thinking, although that can be soo hard to do when your feeling down I know 😕 It's helped me get through some difficult relationship issues following a bad period in my life. Even if you can only start to turn your negatives into positives 5% of the time to start with.. it can help relieve some of the pressure we place on ourselves.

And you are always worthy of love and happiness... I hope you find the help and support youd like on this site.. I'm sorry I cant be more helpful.

Good luck 🙂