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Where do I get the courage from to come out as Gay

Community Member

Hi 50plus married Firefighter. I know i was gay in my teens, but because of the pressures and hatred of Gay people back in the 60's,70's,80's and 90's and also lack of internet I live my life as a 'straight' man.. It was just easier. My parents, especially my Dad was homophobic, and thought gay people had a sickness.. O ver the years ,after i got married the first time ,the true me started to surface and i hated myself for it.. But after a long time accepted who I was. But being married i just could come out. Then when that marriage broke down , I for some reason started dating more women.. Even though i had started to come out to some family and close friends.. Any I followed my usual routine and ended up marrying again.It's been 4 years now and my yearning for men is at an all time high.. I have promised myself that i will never cheat on my wife,and i will stand by that.. Although I am on a couple of gay sites and chat to some guys( I know still being dishonest and technically cheat).. What do I do?  I love my wife and i know coming out in the fire brigade wont be easy.. Thanks  

4 Replies 4

Hey FiremanSam,

Welcome to the Forums, and thank you for sharing your story with us. This is an amazing community to open up to, and we’re sure we’ll hear from some of the community members once they spot your post.

If you need to chat, we think that QLife would be an awesome organisation to talk to. They offer Australia-wide anonymous, LGBTI peer support and referral for people wanting to talk about a range of issues including sexuality, identity, gender, bodies, feelings or relationships. QLife services are free and include both telephone and webchat support, delivered by trained LGBTI community members across the country. You can call them on 1800 184 527 or check out their webchat from 3pm - midnight. 

You can also give us a call on 1300 22 4636 or reach out on webchat anytime if you feel like talking to our trained counsellors about anything that’s going on for you through this journey. We are here for you, and so is this community - some of whom may relate to parts of what you’re going through, and can share advice, understanding, hope and support.

Thank you again for your courage in posting. We know that it can be really difficult to take that step and be open, but you never know who might read your post and feel less alone in their own experience.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Thank you Sophie... I will definitely utilise some of those support networks you mentioned.. 

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi FiremanSam, very warm welcome, 


I'm really glad for you that you've come to this safe space to share your feelings & situation. 


I grew up through that era, remember it well! Fortunate my family didn't seem to be explicitly homophobic, but derogatory terms was sickening enough. 


It must've been SO HARD hiding your true self because of family and societal pressures. For this I am sorry. 
It really shouldn't have ever happened to you or anyone else. Still living "in the closet" would be awful. Hugs. 


Does the title to your thread express what your intentions are? 

I can understand that "coming out" in your situation will most likely disrupt your life. No one can predict just how much. 

In your situation, if you can manage this, I would get as much MH support as possible to bolster you before you share this. You may not need it, but you might. 
Your closest people may experience all sorts of emotions and reactions. It's important to get some help from a professional outside this circle to help you cope with the path forward. 


I figure you could be going through a divorce also? It helps to be educated in how you can move forward post divorce (as you probably already know). 


Work... hmm. It's bad that you know how colleagues will react, not that your sexuality is any of their business... just sayin'. 


I've only been through this with children's friends & my own children. Thankfully one of my children's answers to "How did you come out to your family?" was "We don't need to "come out", we just be who we are". 
May this be the present and future for all. 


Keep sharing, 
Love EM

Earth Girl
Community Member

Hi FiremanSam, (Lovely username!) 🙂


I don't think you have to come out to your wife straight away. I would recommended divorcing her and see how things go for a while, maybe continue talking to men on the dating websites. I believe the best way to divorce your wife would be by telling her that you still love and care for her, but not in the same way as before, but you don't have to mention anything about your sexuality. It will be hard, but it will become harder the longer your wait. Not saying that you shouldn't try to pick a time that feels best for both of you, but you don't want to have to continue living this way for too much longer.


If you do wish to let your wife know that you are gay, if it's any consolation, I'm a woman, and if I had a husband that came out to me as gay, I'd have mixed emotions (I'd be sad that I wouldn't be able to be with him any more), but I would be happy that he is "free."


I'm sorry about what you have been through, that would have been hard, even if people didn't know you were gay. It's hard to hear people say things like that even if you aren't gay.


You don't have to come out to the fire brigade straight away either. Just take your time. I think the most important thing to focus on at the moment would be breaking up with your wife.


Some people are still ignorant and believe gay stereotypes, but people are getting more aware and learning that just because someone is gay, it doesn't mean they want to dress/and or act like the opposite sex and even if they do want to do things that are more traditional to the opposite sex, that is okay too! In a way, men and woman aren't really that different because we're all humans.


When you do choose to come out to people, remember, the people who matter don't mind and the people who mind don't matter. 🙂