When to come out to new friends? 😕💜

[One_love]

Hi Everyone,

Hope to be of help to some and perhaps ask for some advice/educate myself better. I'm a 30+ year old gay women in a very long term relationship. There are so many areas to touch on but perhaps the following is is a good start?

My 20's progressively became lonelier for a number of reasons and I've started making new friends in my 30's. Concern being, I'm out to my family, doctor, social media and haven't really carried on other friendships from my younger years (which is a whole other upset). For several years, I've constantly kept up as much as possible with LGBTQIA+ everything and I'm really trying to work on diminishing my shame.

I'm very lonely but trying to work on shame with my sexuality due to religious upbringing so that I'm able to make new connections. I'm wondering what you may think about 'who you owe it to' to let them know of your sexuality. I'm going to a first 'outside work' event/evening catch-up over the weekend with this one friend and we're both excited plus two others on her side are coming. I've definitely overthought things for too long and some days think 'eff it, just tell her'. Actually have a feeling her sibling is gay.

Anyway, it's so hard. We have to constantly come out and it's that thing of thinking, well she must know from social media. Do we need to tell new friends? When? Does it really matter? Also, exhausted of 'covering up' my relationship in certain settings..everytime it hurts and I'm really noticing this change in myself to not let it matter so much but of course, life ain't easy.
Thanks! 💜

[mmMekitty]

Hello One Love, & welcome to the forum.

It is really late/very early in the morning again, but I wanted to welcome you, & answer your post, a little.

For me, it is a question of who Needs To Know. My GP Needs To Know, my Psychiatrist Needs To Know, even though we have spoken very little about it. My choice. My neighbours don't Need To Know. My Dentist doesn't Need To Know.

Very close friends, (none at the moment), although they don't Need To Know, at some point, having established trust & respect, I may choose to tell them

If I am attracted to someone, sooner or later, if it seems like a closer more intimate relationship is possible, they Need To Know, & so would I. When I was young & stupid, whatever happened, ... now I would want to have some sort of conversation before anything became 'serious'.

I hope that is of some help,

& to see you around the forum.

mmMekitty

[One_love]

Hello mmMekitty,

Thank you for your post - appreciate it very much! Really like what you said about establishing trust and respect first and then perhaps, choosing to tell them. That's helpful to me with having been umming and arring alot on whether it needs to be something that is said upfront (in a way, I'm fearful/feel I'm needing to give them a chance to make a decision on whether they want to stay friends..sounds sad but it is a true feeling) or whether it can be said later on - which was very helpful advice! Seem to somehow make my sexuality such an overall summary of me but yet it is only a small part (however, very important).

Definitely agree about sooner rather than later for an intimate partner.

How are you?
Thanks again!

[white knight]

Hi One Love

I also think- who needs to know.

Other general characteristics of people include- thats they've had a child in their teenage years for example and they decide not to discuss it with friends until a long time after they've met. All sorts of topics are hidden by people- simply by exercising the choice.

Worry is non productive. Welcome to the forum

TonyWK