what if i dont want help

[644Amy]

hi

i have joined this community today as i thought i needed help.but as i read all the other peoples problems i feel as if im just being a winger as my problems seem very small in comparison.

I am a transgender girl and

i am just feeling very alone on my journey.i get very sad and have thoughts of harming myself and im supposed to ask for help when this happens,but at that time help is the last thing im going to ask for.

Is there a solution to this problem.

Regards Amy.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.


 

[white knight]

Hi Amy,

Neil is so right. Value yourself, your individuality and your importance. Typical of Neil to care so much, such is his value to others, his compassion and his wonder.

And you have wonder within you, despite what you say about yourself. Time is one great healer and in time the fact that you feel replaced will diminish. I had the same feeling when my ex wife chose a man that wanted to replace me. My kids told me and I simply said "he seems like a good man and I'll always be your dad". The subject never repeated.

Life Amy can be a cruel experience but there is a flip side and that flip side is achievable. I'm living proof. What I'd like to ask you is how positive can you be? What would you like about life that could set your goals and reach them.

I strived to see my kids as grown adults. Then I'd judge how happy/unhappy I was. I postponed my fears, my jealousies and my grief over losing my full time fatherhood. I'm glad I did. I found that as grown ups my kids exceeded all expectations. My eldest is a teacher and my best friend. And unlike 18 years ago when I lived in a 3 metre long caravan in a park, I live in my country cottage with my wife of 4 years. A lot can happen in 18 years, even 2 years.

The other thing I did for myself when my marriage dissolved was seek my passions. Poetry was one, model planes another.

Tonight I am thinking of you. As Neil said we are sufferers of mental illness ourselves. Mine is depression, bipolar 2 and dysthymia. I licked the anxiety some time ago. So you are not alone. We are here.

Hope you like this poem. It's for you tonight.

SOCIETY OF SAND

I'm sitting in a desert

Upon sand of friend and foe

cannot find a patch of turf

where I cannot step on toes

I collect and handful of grain

then watch as it escapes

Just like some friendships

a barren temporary landscape

I create my own oasis

by weeping on a weed

But the sand around me laughs

because it doesnt have a need

Till lately it be the friends

that helped me walk the land

They holding me up under my feet

Supportive grains of sands

I begin to sink so slowly

As they gather my precious hide

The quicksand laughing so loud

- a kind man says goodbye

And as I become 'one of them'

My heart now granulled and dry

I try to weep to water the weed

But sand has no means to cry

Damn it I struggle so

Be damned if I be like them

I crawl out of the society of sand

To remain the proud person I am.....

Tony    WK

[644Amy]

Hi Tony

Thankyou for your kind and thoughtful reply.

I am always a very caring compassionate person and i will do anything to help others but i feel that i have nothing to strive for norhing to look forward to, i know that i will always be my sons dad but as a transgender dad/mum it will only make it hard for them as they grow up.i was bullied at school and i want that for nobody.

I have been told to do things that i enjoy but nothing gives me pleasure anymore i feel like im in slow motion and everything takes a lot of effort.

But dont worry aboutme im sitting in my local beer garden having a drink.i am alone but im out.and thankyou for the poem.i will have to read it a couple of more times to appreciate the sentiment 

Regards Amy.

[644Amy]

Dear beyondblue councillor

As i put a lot of thought and my heart into my responces i sometimes write to much in being honest on here.i would like to ask instead of deleting the whole thing maybe you could just remove the offending sentence.

I will try not to be to honest in the future.

Thankyou.

[geoff]

dear Amy, I'd like to welcome you to this site.

It was established to help people through their depression, neglect and sorrow, which you are feeling at the moment, and how much this hurts so much.

My two good mates and there will others that come on board, I'm sure, but what they have mentioned to you is outstanding, and they did this for only one reason, they are worried about you and so am I, because we respond to all those that need our support and help.

Hell I can understand how you are feeling in regards to this other chap who has just slipped into your role, because my ex is living with someone who is older than me, and to think of him going to her family functions, Xmas and so on, just revolts me, and for them to just accept him, frustrates and annoys me.

He is everything that she hated in me, and my two sons and one daughter in law truly dislike him so they would air our feelings as both you and myself fee.

I have always been wanting those that classify themselves as bi, gay, lesbians or trans to regularly post comments on this site, because they just seem to be left out, but it is very important that they join us.

Please you are no different than anyone else, and I'm not even raising this sexuality change at the moment, because you are a person lost in the wilderness, so please have trust in us, we are very caring people here who are so concerned about you.

Can you please reply back and we will also do. Geoff.

[644Amy]

Hi Neil and Geoff

Neil, you will be happy to know i did call the 1300 number last night but i hung up as i didnt know what to say but its a start.

Geoff,thankyou for your response.

I would feel a lot better if someone didnt like him but he is the perfect partner for her, he is a family friend and maltese like her.i find it unbearable to be replaced so easily as i said to neil i was a perfect husband, my inlaws loved me more than there own son. I just happened to be transgender and she wanted no part of that.otherwise i would be at my table right now.

It probably doesnt read like it but i am actually happy for her as she has found someone to be happy with as she deserves to be happy.but that doesnt make it any easier for me.

Regards Amy

[Neil_1]

Dear Amy

Hey, didn't I tell you that you were important here.  You've had some great posts overnight from both Geoff and Tony - and one of Tony's awesome poems to boot.  If you want to see more of his brilliant talent, on the Community Board, I believe he's got a thread there based on poems - I could be wrong, as my brain don't work so good as it used too, but I think I'm right.

I've gotta say to you right now - "Mega congratulations to you".  I say this cause of the role that you had - the perfect husband, the wonderful inlaws, etc - a whole helluva lot;  BUT you followed your gut, your instinct and knew the path that you wanted to take and took it.  That must have taken a major effort that I couldn't even think of - to up and do that.  So again, mega kudos to you.

I do believe you're happy for your wife and that you believe she is now happy.  That says to me what an enormously strong character you have - I could rabbit on more about that, but what I want to get to is this:

Amy, you're in a bad place right now - but what we all want now is for you to find your own happiness.  And this is along the lines of what Tony wrote and for me I ask:  "What do you think you could do, to place a little bit of sunshine or happiness into your life?"

And I always get stumped by this question, but I still feel it's an ok question:  "Where would you like to be in 6 months time?   And doing what?"

The world as we know is HUGE - and things do change;   sometimes for worse and sometimes for better.  I believe that you're currently in the former side of thing just reading into your posts here;   but I also believe that further change down the track can lead to better things;  to happier things.

Sorry, but another $64K question:  "If you could snap your fingers or dream up your perfect existance:  what would it look like?"    Hey, and there's no need to answer any of my questions if you don't feel you wish too.  Awesome if you do, but really, I'm putting these out there for you, to hopefully give you a bit of perspective that the world really is a good place to be (ok ok, despite all the recent horrors that we've heard around the place).

Again, I've rambled on way too much.

I'll send now and hope to hear back from you on.

Neil

[644Amy]

Hi neil

I am unsure if this will get aproved as i recieved an email saying no more content from me so i will keep this short 

Right now i dont have any future plans other than keep on swimming.as dori says.

To beyond blue im sorry for being honest on here,i thought that was the point of this.

If i have been banned that is very sad as i only comunicate about this on here.

[geoff]

dear Amy, I'm not sure why this would happen or whether this post will be posted, but why they would ban you is beyond what I know.

You are a person seeking help and should be treated as such, otherwise how are you going to get any help, because that's what all of us have been doing, to assimilate you with the rest of us.

It's not unusual being of a transgender, because there are so many forms of depression that they range so extensively the mind boggles.

Can I go back to the person taking your place, well yes I am also happy for my ex, but it does annoy me, the mild mannered person who is a pacifist, me, truly hates him taking my place, because I got on so well with her family and it was definitely mutual, so in a way you are a stronger person than I am. Geoff.

[Neil_1]

Dear Amy

Keep on posting - I know Beyond Blue have moderation rules about posts, so they monitor for content of any nature that could be upsetting to others who read;  BUT, how are you to tell us how you're feeling etc, if your posts are being shoved back at you?

Beyond Blue - this is so important to not put people off who are reaching out for support - because we're reaching back and really wish to help them.  I don't know what's happened in the background here, but please allow Amy to stay here.  This is important.

Keep on swimming, swim swim swimming.  (I think that's how it goes.)  🙂  🙂

Neil

[644Amy]

Hi neil

For the future i have no plans. I dont even know who i am yet so i dont know how life will be.everything has been thrown in the air and how its landing i do not like. I also dont know what will make me happy, things that did bring me joy now just distract me from my pain temporarily.everything seems to be an effort. I feel like im in slow motion.

I got a phone call today from the ambulance saying they were coming to my house as they were called by bb,going to a house i lived at 15yrs ago. How they found that out my other name i dont know.but i suppose they are just worried about me.so thankyou for caring beyondblue.

Regards Amy.