What do I do?

[waffle_puppy]

So recently my grandma came over which is something that ticks me off so much; I hate to say it and I am aware, but I seriously can't stand her no matter what.  She constantly tries to remind me that I will get married to a man and that I must have children and cook for my "future husband" no matter what. I understand that's how she was raised but she's pushing it onto me just because she never had a kid makes me feel awful. The thought of it sends a shiver down my spine; even by the mere thought of intimacy which I'd learnt a lot about in health class at school and would rather keep it at that because of how much it grosses me out. Anyways, when I told her I'm bisexual; she immediately lashed out at me for simply being myself. I stated that I prefer women, however I like men too but would rather keep it romantic; that's when things started to escalate. She told me that God made me this way and that I must submit to a man and have kids to have a perfect life. I shook my head and told her a simple "No, I am who I want to be." which made her frustrated, so that raised even more questions in my head (Which thankfully, aren't grandma related). So recently at my (potential) new art school, I was walking in a tour with some other people; and two people caught my eye. They were in the same grade group as I was for that tour, however that didn't help me with how much I was panicking over how gorgeous they both looked. One person was dressed masculine, and wore a baggy sweater paired with baggy jeans and had their guitar slung behind them in a bag; while they wore glasses and had shaggy long hair, the other person was a bit more feminine and wore a blouse with a plaid skirt and a low ponytail; which is what sent me into panic. But here's the real questions; "What if they're straight?" "What if they don't like me?" "What if they are disgusted by my sexuality/gender?" and I've been questioning if I am nonbinary/genderqueer as well recently, which also added another question to my head. What if they're put off by it? Gosh, what do I do? I've also been obsessing a lot over those two people I saw, so I apologise if this is all jumbled up or messy to read. They're both really pretty but I should probably become friends with them. I told this to my mom as well, however she told me to be with whoever I like the most, who is most likely the person dressed in a masculine way, but I liked the other person as well. What can I do? 😞

[Croix]

Dear Waffle_Puppy~

Welcome back ot the Forum. I got a bit confused when you said your grandma never had a kid? Leaving that to one side it sounds very like she was brought up in a different culture and religion, ones that do not recognize the role any person can have and rigidly sticks to the idea of the wife, and being subordinate to the husband.

She probably believes she is trying to guide you to her version of "the right path". Unfortunate. 😞

When you question all this by referring your own state I guess that seems to her to be unacceptably different from her values.  I would not imagine there is much you can do about this, except try to stick to neutral subjects and disregard her views - even if it hurts. Trying to argue how you are will only lead to worse, you do live in a very different society to hers and can be whoever you want.

I'm please your parent are more flexible and supportive.

Tony WK gave you good advice in not trying too hard for a label, but to let things naturally sort themselves out. Eventually experience will tell you if you are bi, , fluid or some other orientation.

You mentioned you saw two people that you liked the look of. I am not sure at this stage why you need to separate things and only be friends with one of them, why not both? They may in any case have their own relationship and are happy wiht that . If so this is no reflection on you.

Your mom's advice to be whichever you like best sounds pretty good, and does not just apply to these two people.

As for being disgusted by your gender, if any person is would you really want a bigot for a friend? You be you and no doubt others will appreciate you.

Croix

[waffle_puppy]

Thank you so much for your advice, I really appreciate it. Also sorry about the confusion, I meant that she never properly got to raise a kid; because my mom was quite distant from her, so she was more reliant on my grandpa. However I've begun to stand up for myself and I'm aware that I don't fit her norms, or the norms that society expects from women (I'm not even sure if I want to be a woman at all so that baffles me quite a lot, as even the mere thought of growing up to be one makes me uncomfortable; I do not want to be a man either.) and I'm glad that I defy these norms. However going back to my thoughts about Bisexuality, or being fluid made me perplexed and I thought "Is romance really that important? What if I get heartbroken? What if they won't like me?" and to be honest, I'm actually going to put the romance at a pause now as it kinda makes me feel perplexed. I still have a lot of time to settle in on who I like and etc; but for now I'm perfectly happy with who I am, and with my pets of course (I have an Australian Kelpie and a domestic shorthair). Thank you so much for the reply, and I apologise for any confusion caused (My English isn't the best because it's my second language).

[Croix]

Dear Waffle_Puppy~

No hassles over the confusion, maybe if your grandma had been closer to you mum then she might have become more flexible (kids tend to do that to you as a parent:)

What society expected at your original country is not what is expected here. Sure some people are still  bigoted but very many have little in the way of expectations for gender roles - you do what suites you best.

I'm glad you are happy with yourself and your pets, a good way to be, at least for a while.

I'm not you can draw conclusions about the importance of romance which can happen to anyone.  It has made a huge difference in my life, still does. It can be permanent and happy.

Similarly it is true heartbreak can be associated with an unhappy romance, but also all sorts of friendship - including pets. So withdrawing is no real protection

The main thing is to realise there is no hurry - none at all.

Croix

[sbella02]

Waffle_puppy,

Thank you so much for opening up to us here, and we warmly welcome you to the forums. I'm sorry to hear that you've been dealing with your grandma's reaction to your coming out, and also this experience of what is colloquially called "bi panic". 

It's difficult to have open conversations with people who are closed minded, as they generally listen to argue or respond rather than listening to understand. When you opened up to your grandma about your identity, she's responded in the way that she's been taught to, and does not sound like she's interested in challenging these beliefs, which is disheartening for you, I'm sure. As somebody who grew up Catholic, I can also tell you that Jesus would've loved queer people - he was always an champion for people who are marginalised, disadvantaged, or discriminated against. I'm not sure if that offers any reassurance, but as a bisexual person who does not really align with religion now, it irks me when people misquote the Bible to fit in with hateful narratives.

Let's jump back to your experience of "bi panic". It's generally used when bisexual people come across two people of different genders, often couples, who are equally attractive. It's very normal.

I'll ask you this: why do you feel like you need to choose one of them? Could you be friends with both then see where these friendships lead? While your mother could be right, you may also find that the more you get to know them, one of these people stands out as somebody you connect with more than the other. Let those friendships guide your feelings. 

If they're good, genuine, kind people who are worth keeping around in your life, they will not be disgusted by your sexuality or gender, or be disturbed if you're questioning your identity. Good friends (and partners) should accept your identity for what it is, regardless of how fluid, and will respect the way that you identify. And even if they turn out to be straight, at least you've made some lovely new friends.

I hope this helps - please feel free to keep chatting more with us if you'd like, we're here to listen.

All the best, SB