Sexual or sexuality triggers

[Paul]

Do you have any sexual or sexuality triggers that send you into a depression or give you anxiety?

Paul

[Just Sara]

PS...Deal!

[Paul]

Big Hugs Dizzy.

Sorry you're feeling down today- it sucks. Sounds like your ex was one of the triggers - being at the top of your post. Are you needy or adjusting to being single and living on your own as you mentioned later in your post.

I think hating ourselves gets in the way of being able to make the links that help us see what's happening. When the black dog bites, the warpy thoughts and fog makes it difficult to think as well. 

Is it time to ease up on yourself a bit? Perhaps know that your ex is a smooth talker and that feeling a bit isolated makes that smoothness seem genuine?

As you say, giving yourself room to have a bad day might help. Is there room to have the bad emotions as well?

Keep holding on Dizzy, all of us on here know it's difficult and have had the crap days.

I think I've said it before - perhaps to you, that writing your thoughts and expressing your emotions on here is doubly good. They are expressed and can sometimes line up when you express them but also you're telling us what's going on because we're here to help and offer a friendly ear and the occasional challenge.

More hugs.

Paul

[Just Sara]

Hi Paul; I appreciate your response. Having a bad day is appropriate now and then.

Having my morning coffee today, I sat thinking about the week and out of nowhere came the comprehension of what PTSD really means; I've been 'traumatised'. It was an ah-ha moment and gave insight into 'me'.

My sexual identity is tied up with so many traumatic events. It's no wonder I've been confused. My ex was at the fore of my feelings.

For my first few years I grew up in a house with my young uncles who I played with until my mother came to get me. The trauma of being swept away from the only family I knew was bad enough, but I eventually had 3 sisters and fretted for my pseudo brothers.

My grandfather would take me to his home sometimes for school holidays. The boy play of my early years turned into grown up stuff like guns and hunting, motor bikes, cars and wearing jeans and boots in the dust of the outback. The safety I felt at those times is vivid along with wonderful memories of laughter and family routines in a house full of males.

On the positive side, I guess I have the fortunate ability to think like both sexes. On the negative, I have the ability to think like both sexes...hmm.

I get it now. It's all about communication. I was being triggered all the time by others who were being triggered by me.

Hmm...needed to write today.

Hugs much...Dizzy x

[Embracing_Tiger]

Hey Dizzy,

 Sorry I dropped off these forums for a little while and didn't write back until now. Great to see you and Paul have been getting along splendidly. 

I like how you were describing human behaviour. We can be wonderfully, and frustratingly, social animals. I think that it's quite normal to want to use a stimulus to escape everyday life. For a time I used that way of thinking in a destructive way. I've changed my behaviour and approaching 2 years free, but I suggest that perhaps stick with the sugar addiction?

I agree with Paul that a form of talking therapy can be very beneficial. I find that it is a necessary part of my mental health strategy. I haven't tried psychotherapy, but I have heard that cognitive behavioural therapy can be useful for PSTD and anxiety. A psychologist would be able to help you decide what to do after hearing your situation. 

Writing really helps me too. What kind of writing do you do? I should write more, but I do what I can. Journalling or stream of consciousness writing can be cathartic. I find that using a pen and paper, rather than a computer, is really good for slowing down my busy mind. 

hugs.

ET

[Just Sara]

Bless me father BB; it's been 20 minutes since my last confession. LOL I shouldn't laugh...I've been scouting the threads going over posts and becoming more anxious as time goes on. I haven't eaten dinner and it's past my bedtime, but I dare not pull away.

I've been triggered yet again by an old nemesis; my image and being the cause of abuse against me. It seems I'll convince myself in any way possible I'm the reason people treat me bad. What gets to me is; being an intelligent woman, yet still having pangs of guilt, even though I know I didn't make a man rape me (God that was hard to write - head spun) or cause words to come out of their mouths. I don't understand why this belief has so much power over me. Unless I really do believe I make them hurt me. I stay. Isn't that my fault? If I stay? If I don't speak up, doesn't that make it my fault? 

Boy!! This is really getting to me. I'm shaking like a leaf and my body's giving signals of wanting to run away. OK...if I don't understand why someone would hurt a person they love, maybe if I blame myself, at least there'd be a reason? That's nonsensical, but would make sense to a child wouldn't it? 

Before Xmas I cut off all my hair. I told myself it was because my hair was too long and unhealthy. But somewhere deep down I fear it was because it made me less feminine. I grew my hair because my ex thought all women should have long hair and manicured nails and be innocent and domestic and patient and not want or initiate sex and give him all the time he wanted for himself. I tried to be as he wanted me to be and he still didn't want me. Then he did want me, he had me, then never came on to me again. He wanted to marry me, but only if I was perfect. Somewhere in my psychi was the reasoning I could be enough; so I stayed. But eventually the adult kicked in and I left. But I still have the "...but I need him" feeling inside.

This is so frustrating; I'm allowing my words to be posted here as someone may have a clue to what's going on in my head. I'll be seeing my psychologist to talk it out too.

Gotta go...

[Paul]

Big hello hugs Dizzy.

I hope you're OK.

Walking back through one of "the" traumatic experiences can be painful as hell. I'm really glad we're all here to listen and help you though.

Of course you're an intelligent woman, a pretty deep thinker compassionate and empathic. Unfortunately we're all given a brain that tries to rationalise things into patterns and then comes to conclusions from them. Rape is one of the horrible things that brains find it easy to make into a pattern that then ends up as self blame and fear and shame and searching for more answers that only lead to looking in and blaming within. For this, brains get a big thumbs down from me. Intellectually you've mentioned that you know you didn't make a man rape you (and it was bloody difficult to type) brains don't listen to that easily because the pattern of making emotional sense of it is there already and being a traumatic experience, that pattern is powerful and pervasive. People who rape are evil scum and absolutely 100% to blame for their actions there are no excuses.

I wonder if your haircut was a sign to yourself and to your ex, symbolically. "Stay away, I'm too masculine for you,", which doesn't speak to your sexuality, rather, his. I read that he thinks women should all have long hair so by cutting yours you've effective said "go away, I'm not on your radar now" Do you think this is part of you grieving for him? Perhaps even you allowing yourself the emotional space to start grieving?

Hope you're OK Dizzy

Big Hug Paul​

[Just Sara]

Hi Paul;

I typed out a response but it was aborted due to loading issues. Frustrating!

Your post was helpful and insightful thankyou. I'm ok. Allowing myself to have a teary day; still in my PJ's. Your support is comforting and helps fight off loneliness.

I won't say anymore as the tears are returning. Until next time...Dizzy

[devlov]

I can relate exactly to what you have written about having children. I just had to respond to your comments. PM me if you would like to chat more...Hope you are having a good day.

[Embracing_Tiger]

Hi Dizzy,

 Just checking how you've been. It seems like you've been through a lot at the beginning of the month. How are you going?

 ET

[Just Sara]

Hi ET;

It's important to know people care. I don't have much contact with family or friends as my mental health has scared off most. I reach out only when I'm desperate and that's a shame.

Yes I did have a bad time a while back, but as I'm a person who self assesses regularly, I pushed on to address the triggers and hit pay dirt so to speak. This month has been so difficult, but has identified some very important info.

Facing others, we have game plans and age old responses to cope. Facing ourselves is the way to grace. Blame can be so toxic and kept me away from 'me' for many decades. Now I've finally accepted my own pain and patterns; I've been able to grieve for myself. Such a huge step. But most of all it was accepting I was helpless. The last three days have been spent pondering; it's ok to feel helpless and not to use blame or fault as a means of finding out 'why'. I just accept my life has been fraught with trauma, mostly out of my control.

Thank you again for caring...it's much appreciated...Dizzy xo