Parent of gay child feeling sad

[Lgos]

Hi there, I'm new to BB. I've read a few posts and it seems we have a wonderful world of beautiful help out there... so I'm hoping someone can give me some advice. My story goes like this..in December I stumbled across some communications between my 21 year old daughter and one of her best friends, of a sexual nature. Whoa, first shock. she has had a couple of boyfriends and for the last 3 yrs was pretty much in love with another guy. I know she longed for something to happen with him. She always shared her thoughts with me. So, come January, I confronted her about the relationship with the girl friend. She told me it just happened and I think it was a shock for her too. She told me that she pictures herself having a husband and children and she is definitely not gay. So let's skip to now, April. She is still with her friend. How am I coping.. Not well. I don't want sympathy, I'm just finding this really hard. I have a good husband, supportive wise and I know my daughter is really happy so I'm glad for her. There are four of us living here, my daughter has explicitly asked me not to tell her sister, she's 18. My husband has never once had a conversation about anything, he just hugs and loves her. The secrecy, I feel like our relationship is just sooo bad now. She is a big softy like me and can't handle seeing me struggling with this so she is just living her life. She hangs out at her friends house, I guess she feels safe there. We have had 3 conversations only since December and the last one she just got so angry with me and told me to get over it! I've read 3 books, I'm re-reading them now, I go to a counsellor every few weeks and at the moment I am pretty much making my families life miserable. The silence of this subject in my house is killing me and the beautiful relationship we had. Due to my ever so slowwwww acceptance of her choice, I'm feeling like I am completely sabotaging our relationship singlehandedly. I don't know how to talk about it with her anymore.. can anyone give me some constructive advice? It's like I need someone holding my hand whilst I say to her "you know I love you so much and I need you to help me through this". It sounds so selfish of me, she too I believe must be having her own issues but she is also very happy. I just don't know how to take the simple step of trying to talk to her, the last time turned into a complete disaster. If you think you can help I'd appreciate your thoughts. L xx

[Chris_B]

Hi Lgos, welcome to the forums. These feelings you have as a parent are common in this situation. I'd recommend having a look at our resource Families Like Mine, and watch the video below from a mother with a gay son. She talks about how her relationship with him was affected, and how she coped with that:

[Lgos]

Thank you Chris for your input, every little bit is helping me towards 'enlightenment' (I read that in one of the books). I know I will feel that one day 😀 The above video could be me too. I know we all have different stories but with my daughter at the point of not wanting and is no where near the 'coming out' phase it just seems that bit harder. I will continue to read and hopefully our communication will improve. Thank you.

[Paul]

Hello Lgos,

I'm really glad you've come to us for some help and advice. I have a lot of respect for you and the way you handled your own reaction to discovering your daughter's friend and the nature of their relationship. It would have taken a lot of energy to process and try and make sense of what you learnt. The experience I have as a gay man observing people coming out to their parents and also the parent's reaction has a very wide spectrum. Luckily most parents are a bit like yourself, it takes a while to process what the heck is going on what what it means to the family and for your daughter's life, both from your perspective and from hers.

So many parent's wish is just for their kids to be happy. This is an easy one until the expectations that are built about what that happiness should look like are examined. In your initial post, you said that one of the conversations you had with your daughter ended up telling you to "get over it"

I like practical advice to include questions so that while the advice is helpful with a situation it also helps explore inside yourself as well.

When your daughter told you to "get over it" what was she telling you to get over? And; what do you really think she was telling you?

I get the feeling there's a struggle going on inside you about your daughter's sexuality. Can you describe exactly what the struggle is?

I had a boyfriend who I said "I'm not comfortable coming over for Christmas because I feel like just a mate, someone who has nowhere else to go - I would really like your parents to know what I mean to you" It was important to me that his parents understood why I was there. Overall his parents took it well, his father did say "Well I can't say that it's what I had in mind for you"

Is there a pre-conceived idea that you have that hurts to let go of because your daughter has found love with a woman instead of a man?

Another thing that occurred to me in your post is that this is a secret from almost everyone. Is keeping that secret the thing that is hurting or is it scary to think that the secret might get out and then explaining to others could be difficult because you're not ready?

Love to hear your thoughts

Paul

[A-01]

HI Lgos,

I know this is very old post but this sounds very much like my story at the moment and I'd love to connect to find out how you coped with this please. Hope to hear from you soon.

[Milton]

We are going through something similar, would love to hear the outcome of this years later 

[Marlsi]

Hi Lgos, also in a similar situation. Really struggling and would love to know how you are all going. Thank you.

[Guest_95143262]

thank you for this post and video .

My son has told me he is gay although he does not liked to be called that nor have an identity as such he just wants to be know.n as who he is .

He and I have a good relationship but as this video shows it is very hard to be ok with your child going into that world in which I fear for him.

I fear for his safety and I fear for his health in general.

He is my child and I need him to be safe so how do I accept that ? How do I get solace .

Yes I would do anything for him  so I ask him

Are you sure?

Do you not want to have babies and a wife etc

Then I look at him and think Omg , he is just 17 , he would not even be thinking about that !!

I found myself  to be thinking of myself not him

This is not about me ,I was thinking .

Then I said to him , gosh why is this so hard to do ?

Why can’t it just be like oh great ,how exciting !

Like when they have a girl friend your happy for them .

I have been crying a few times maybe 4 times

today .

It is some form of grieving I guess ,grieving about how I see life for my son as if it was mine to make that choice.

it was never my choice ,it was always his and he has the courage to tell me so I Im very proud of him 

so now I need to help him find places where he can meet like minded kids.

He is not at uni yet so if anyone can help me With where these kids can meet up in a safe place I would be very great full indeed.