Need help! gentle and kind words

[Hopefulconfused]

Hello everone 🙂 
I'm 28, Bisexual male, turning 29 soon. Lately I've been going through a lot. My mind does not stop playing tricks which makes me anxious, sad, weak, and can't focus on everything. How to get through or how to face my future knowing that I haven't been fully honest with others. 
I've always known that I'm not straight, and I have told my loved ones about my sexuality lately.They advised me to be happy and do whatever I want in my life, which lessen that pain that I'm going through.

I have not told my colleagues and some of my friends about me because i have experienced a lot of harsh words and insults when I was young . Sometimes, I think of admitting my sexuality to my colleagues and friends, but a part of me is still afraid of rejection and words that can hurts me. I'm a very sensitive person and gets emotionally hurt easily. Sometimes, I'd rather keep my mouth shut to protect my peace of mind but it bothers me sometimes. 

Thinking about the future, I still have doubts about myself, I'm sure that I'm attracted to both genders. Sometimes, I'm physically attracted to opposite sex, then emotionally attracted to same sex. Then on other days, I find myself attracted to same sex physically, then emotionally attracted to opposite sex. My mind is not clear right now.

I want to settle and have my own family with a woman in the future, be 100% honest to her, be loyal to her, be respectful towards her. I'm just afraid that my sexuality will affect the future that I'm imagining. I'm also afraid that I will make her life mesirable, which I really don't want to happen, so I 'm thinking of I'm better of being alone.  

I'm getting sad, down, and words that I can't describe of how I just want to be in my room and be with myself thinking about it. 

Sorry if my words are not clear enough for me to express myself but I really want it out and I really wanna know how you deal with this kind of delimma. 

Please help me!!

[white knight]

Hi HC, welcome

It must be really difficult to know your exact position with ones sexuality when you flip flop from one focus to another. But there is hope and it comes from your perceptions and positivity.

Missy Higgins the famous Aussie singer once said "I look upon my sexuality as fluid". That was when she had a same sex relationship, she went on to marry a guy and have children. When that kind of acceptance is achieved, the worry, the sex of another potential interest no longer matters.

The complexity arrives however when you add some goals like having a child. "I want to settle and have my own family with a woman in the future"  Perhaps you are worrying too much because in many situations now, gay couples have children. I'm not fully sure about this area as I have no expertise however what is more important to highlight is 1/ the worry aspect wont be productive and 2/ the seemingly lack of motivation and positive state of mind is a cause for concern.

There is also the possibility a bisexual lady could be found and a future there.

I'm a little concerned you find it a need to tell work colleagues and others of your sexuality. Even today in this "equal" world we have judgements that aren't nice. Work environments can be cruel and I think it is better to treat work as a place to endure for income only, be pleasant and go home. In the 90 or so jobs over 40+ years I ended up with 3 friends. Says it all.

So having said that your social environment might need some rethinking to find where "birds of a feather" are, like minded people without the judgement. The process is the easy part, the search for the soul mate is the more difficult part. At 53yo (14 years ago)I told my best friend I had for 25 years (female) that after 3 long term relationships I will never stop searching for my soul mate. Turned out she was it and we married.

Convince yourself you are as worthy as the nice person to be loved and free to offer it. Gaining positivity you will turn all negatives into positives eg sensitivity- 20% of people have HSP Highly Sensitive Person. Some  like me have sensitivity as I have bipolar and dysthymia etc and now I have embraced it. I could not write my poetry without it. 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/sexuality-and-gender-identity/lgbtiq-not-conventional-you-are-st...

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life/td-p/154525

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/clear-the-road-i-m-on-my-way/td-p/102218 

I'm here daily if you would like to repost.

TonyWK

[Hopefulconfused]

Thank you very much, white knight. 
you really are a knight. 🙂 
I will re-read your response once in a while esp. when I'm down spiral again.