My children's father is transgender

[Bunjil]

My ex husband of 6 mths has not told our children ( twin boys 20 and a daughter 15 ) that he is transgender and has started to transition to a women.

I have struggled big time with it and have started to see a psychologist which has helped.

He has agreed to tell the kids with his psychologist and me. I have no idea how the kids will react they are good respectful kids but I feel they have no idea this is coming ....I didn't when he told me... I was totally blindsided.

Is there any support grps for children with a transgender parent.

( Before anyone comments on me using the words husband and he ... I am not ready to change over just yet )

Thanks

[MsPurple]

HI Bunjil and welcome to the forums

I know it can be hard to deal the a drastic change such as a transition. It sounds like you are trying to be supportive even when devastated by the end in marriage and feeling like you are losing the person you used to know. It can take a while to adjust. Remember their heart is the same, just how they want to identify and appear will change (align to how they feel inside). I think you are taking the right steps for yourself and trying to make sure your kids are ok with their parent transitioning.

Changing pronouns can take a while. I know you want to be respectful, but at the same time you are conflicted because changing the pronoun means saying the other person (your ex-husband) is now gone (and will now be more of an ex-partner) We are all human and we all make mistakes and sometimes prouns can take some time to adjust. It maybe easier to try use gender neutral pronouns such as 'they' and 'them'.

I'm not too sure if there are support groups for families with a member transitioning. I did find this useful link from the Queensland government. There are more references on groups they can access on there. Although it says youth it is for all ages. https://www.qld.gov.au/youth/family-social-support/support-lgbti-young-people

It can be a heavy burden knowing a secret you know you will have to bring into the light. Have you made sure you are looking after yourself? Have talked to a psychologist about this. I know you want your kids to be ok with it, but you also need to make sure you look after yourself and your mental health

[Lonelydan]

Hi Binjil, Welcome to the forums. I take it you were married for over 20yrs, you have every right to feel your husband had been deceptive. I’ve asked my friend many years ago who is a trans women and was also married with children didn’t you know. Her reply shocked me when she said yes but I didn’t have the guts to do anything about it. I thought if I just ignored it got married it would be ok I can just dress up when nobody is around. Have my separate secretive life. I thought you dragged an innocent person into your life producing children with the intention of knowing some day you will have the courage to transition. I’m so sorry this has happened, you have every right to feel betrayed ,duped , mislead. I guess you can say you are now in mourning. It’s now up to your ex to Re-establish their relationship with the children. And up to them how they take the information, he can’t stop them from using dad/father as she is. Dan...

[Bunjil]

Thanks Dan

I do sort of understand how hard this has been for my husband he is in his 50 s and times now have changed .. thankfully and he can transition. But I do feel he got married had kids because that's what society said men should do but now we have to travel this journey we never asked for

Yes we were married for 22 yrs and 51 weeks .....

As a mother I don't want my children to go through pain of any sort , but I know they have to go through this change and I'm not sure how it will all turn out.

Thanks

[Lonelydan]

Hi Bunjil, Have you and your ex meet with her psychologist to discuss how the children will be told. How to best tell the children I think you need to both agree on this. How much information do they need. Will this be the first time they see him dressed as a woman. Will you be the one taking them home after this shock. I would be making a family appointment with your psychologist just you and the children. And asking my psychologist how do I best deal with this because I’m not experienced in dealing with such an issue. I hope your ex is prepared for a possible outcome where the children may not want to see there father for sometime. All this is so hard I’m so sorry this has happen. Please let us know how you are after it hits the fans so to speak. Dan

[Bunjil]

Thanks Dan

I do fully believe the kids will distance themselves from their father once he tells them. He has not developed a good relationship with them all the way along and has in the last year stepped right away from them. To the point he doesn't really talk to one of our sons.

I will be the one how takes them home after he tells them and I'm the one who will need to help them process this totally. I have tried to become stronger in myself as I know this is going to happen. I've investigated where the kids can go for counciling ... One boy goes to RMIT and they seem to have great resources to access counciling

Deakin I'm finding a bit hard to find out what they have on offer but I will keep trying

And my daughter can access headspace plus I have thought of a teacher at her school, who I know well, who will be a great support for her .

I don't think he has even considered any of these things.

I just hope his psychologist is helping him work through how the kids might react

I feel I'm stuck in the middle

I understand and respect that he needs to transition

But on the other hand he has not dealt with me or the kids in a positive way that might help us understand or to continue to have a relationship with him.

Our financial agreement came down to him wanting money and not considering that I have the kids with me and I am supporting them financially, he thinks that because the boys at 20 they need to be independent financial, because he was at that age. They are full time uni students and work when they can.

I only have 4 sessions under the Medicare levy with my psych so I need to use them wisely. She has helped me greatly but I know I still have a long way to go. I was diagnosed with depression through all of this and now take meds , which have helped me level.my emotions out so that I can deal with what is going on. It has also bought up things that happened to me in the past that I thought were delt with and gone .... But I know now they never go you just get better at dealing with it.

Thanks for chatting with me or helps to just get things out and have people understand where I am ..

Thanks

[Lonelydan]

Hi Bunjil, I’m sorry for my late reply some recent news headlines stirred up some horrible memories for me. First I just want to say what a wonderful mother you are. Reading your reply I just thought about your daughter and the teacher I just want to say maybe ask your daughter first if it’s okay to talk to the teacher because you just don’t know peoples prejudices..I understand she’s in maybe year 10 or 11 telling the teacher there’s just that chance that it could easily be spread around the school ground and Staff room, that could maybe be devastating for her especially doing her high school certificate. Maybe keep it on a need-to-know basis. I think your boys would just be angry about it and you’re right they probably won’t want to know about it. I want you to make sure after 25 years of marriage you get to the settlement that you deserve and you’re not funding someone else’s transition. I’m so sorry to hear you also experience childhood trauma I also have experience that too please don’t be afraid to talk about that please keep posting if you need to don’t be afraid to just let it all out. Dan.

[Bunjil]

Thanks Dan

I hope you are feeling better and have the support you need.

The teacher I have thought of to talk to is very supportive of all people and I trust that she will only tell other staff if she needs to.

I will definitely talk to my daughter first about who I talk to at the school. I know she might want school to be her safe place where she can be just herself and not think about wants happening in her family. But I want one person I trust totally to be there if she needs support. Which I think she will ....

I just don't know how the kids will react .. I class them as not worldly its hard to explain they have had shelted lives .... I know they respect people and are open minded but this is going to blow their minds. My friends that I have told keep saying kids are resistant and might cope ok. I don't think they will cope very well. It might take them a while to come to terms with this ( and me as well)

We have settled out finances but just need to sell our house for a decent price.

I am finding beyond blue a great help.

Thanks

[Bunjil]

Hi

Im not having a good day.

I was going to get my nails done last night something I haven't done for ages. I talked myself out of it due to the cost, as I'm now support ing myself and three kids ( my boys are working as much as they can )

Then I find out by accident that my X went and got his (hers) done with no thought of the cost just the enjoyment

In a way I think I'm being petty but I feel I have taken on the total care of our kids financial and emotionally we went into having kids together and fought hard to get them ( they are IVF) but now he has pulled right away. And I am left picking up the pieces. I love my kids unconditional and will go to the end of the earth for each of them no matter what ...

Im just finding it hard doing this all on my own ...working full time , being there for the kids , working out the finances, cleaning the house and trying to sell the house , negotiating for our financial agreement . Waiting for him to tell them he is trans gender ,

I feel totally over whelmed and alone ....

[Lonelydan]

Hi Bunjil, just tell the children now yourself. You don’t need his permission. Children these days are exposed to everything they’re probably less sheltered than you think As you said he was an absentee parent. Not talking to one twin and barely the other I’m not sure about your daughters Relationship with him. Tell the truth it’s always the best thing to do. His Obligated to pay child support for the youngest child. The boys are now considered too old. Has he squirrelled money away that you don’t know about. because transitioning is very very expensive. Don’t agree to 50/50 settlement. You’re not being petty you’re looking out for your own future now and the future of your children. Stop being so considerate of him his not thinking about you or the children , Probably just be happy if you all to shut up and went away , maybe give back what you getting. If it were me I would say you need to come to the house tell the children what you’re doing. I’m not dragging them to some strangers office For you to disrupt their world in your safe place and then for me to take them home while you go ahead with getting your nails done and buying wigs put yourself first. Dan ..