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My boyfriend is bisexual- or gay? Unsure

confusedgf
Community Member

I am female, and around 6 months ago, my boyfriend of 4 years came out as bisexual to a gay friend of mine when he was really drunk. He never planned to come out but my gay friend confronted him about it when he had his guard down. This is something I always suspected and knew deep down.

When I found out (through my gay friend) I mostly felt really sorry for my bf having to hide his true self for his whole life (he grew up in a small town and hence never felt comfortable to explore his sexuality). I was upset and confused but I know its not his fault so I'm not angry.

He says he loves me and definitely wants to be with me. We are best friends and have often discussed our future lives together.

Since the beginning of our relationship he has had performance issues (this might be a red flag?), so our sex life has never been great but we have spoken about it a lot and we are very open about his anxiety etc and trying ways to address it.

I guess the biggest thing I am confused about is whether he is gay or bisexual. I don't think he is lying to me at the moment, but I just don't think he knows for sure. We at the stage in our relationship where we need to decide if we want to commit and take the next step (buy a house etc). I just scared if we stay together he will get to a stage in his life where he will realise he is unhappy with me (as a woman) and will want to explore his sexuality (he has only ever kissed another guy when he was 16).

My friends are worried about me and have alluded to the fact that they think he is probably gay. None of his guy friends know as he is worried about how they would react and treat him differently, so we have kept it a secret.

I am just really confused about what to do next, I know there aren't any rules for this situation. It breaks my heart when I think about letting go of our relationship and everything we have planned to do together, but my gut feeling says we should probably break up.

13 Replies 13

Hi there,

Sorry, I should have said that we have been quite open with each other through all of this- he knows that I am considering the break up and he understands my position (but maintains that he is bisexual so he still wants to be together). I more mean the specifics about how I feel about certain things.

For example, I am not a jealous or insecure person normally (we haven't had any problems with jealously throughout our relationship) however since I found out, I feel uneasy about a close relationship he has with a guy friend. I have a sneaking suspicion that my bf has a crush on his friend (he is really good looking), and I feel jealous about them spending a lot of time together. I've never admitted this and I hate that I am even writing it here, I don't want to be that type of person.

I haven't told him how I feel about this because I just don't know if it would be worth it? I'm not going to tell him to stop hanging out with his friend -nor should he have to. So it would just cause tension and make him feel crap.. and if we are breaking up anyway there's probably no point.

What do you guys think?

P.s:

Thanks for all the tips on counselling. We both went to see someone (separately) when it all unfolded.

I found the lady who I went to wasn't that great- she was a bit cold towards me so I didn't go back. It was just through my university though so maybe thats why.

His counsellor was good, helped him to normalise his situation, but she told him she didn't think he needed to keep going back as he wasn't showing signs of any depression or anxiety.

whoa! whoa!

Sorry but his counsellor can't have been all that good! Him going to the counsellor isn't all about whether he was showing any signs of depression or anxiety. I can tell you from experience that I didn't show any signs until last year - at 47.

I did start to experience depression about 10-15 years ago. I became very good at hiding it because I didn't want to come out, I didn't want to leave my loving married/father situation and I didn't want anything to change. I didn't want to be gay.

The counsellor should be helping him work through his feelings and thoughts, and I can't see that this would be done in one session. I'm assuming he only went once? was it a professional or someone through university? I'm glad that he at least got the "normalisation" out of it, as that is true and correct. If he is still questioning whether bi or gay then he still needs the help. Being told he is okay and doesn't need to return may not actual help him.

For me, I never questioned being gay. I've always known, but I chose the path I went on mainly due to society/family pressures, and lack of self confidence to be who I am etc. The psych helped me work through the "normalisation" and guilt and how to get through the other stuff.

Look, I'm no expert psychologist, I can only tell you what I experienced as a man who hid who he was most of his life. Who kept very important things from his wife, his kids and his family and friends. It almost made me do something that everyone would have regretted. If you look at the statistics, men who identify as gay have the highest rate of suicide.

Your BF may think he's okay now, but in the future? Much better to have the pain of breakup and being open with himself, you, and everyone around him now - I think. I wish I had done the right thing when I was younger. I will live with that regret forever.

And for you, I would still seek a proper psychologist/counsellor through your GP or QLIFE.

And if you are leaning towards breaking up - then no, I don't think you need to raise him hanging with his mate. It doesn't matter if you are not together, but you can still be friends.

Of course, if you stay together then you should raise it. Otherwise, as I said in previous post, you'll always have that seed of doubt and mistrust, which will only hurt your relationship anyway.

good luck and take care.

Daz

Yeah I also thought it was really strange that his counsellor said he didn't need to come back as well- perhaps she wasn't trained in this particular area. Bf just went to a random doctor (not his normal GP) to get a referral for the mental health plan. The counsellor I saw sent me some LGBTI services for our city, and I did mention this to him but he wasn't interested (probably because he would be too worried people would find out).

I have felt a sense of clarity over the past week and I do believe we should break up. I sort of feel like he needs to take the next part of his journey on his own- to really figure himself out. I will of course still be his friend and be there for him (eventually).

Thanks for the tip about not bringing up his close relationship with his friend. I knew that I probably shouldn't raise the issue. But it has been hard when I've obviously been upset at times and he asks me whats wrong but I can't be completely honest.

Thanks for all your help, it has been so good to vent about it all. I do have a few friends who know and I can talk to but they worry about me/ my future so I feel as though their advice is biased at times.