Lonely Christian Lesbian & depression

[missmuppet]

I feel like i'm in between a rock & a hard place. Trying to find my purpose in life. i spend lots of time alone because ive become so unsure of myself. Bipolar depression & chronic health concerns. i'm.just not happy.

i think about cutting my life short quite a lot. i hsve councelor & psychiatrist. they cant seem to give me the right tools to keep me well & i've discovered recently that most of the work must come from me anyway. but i'm.tired of trying to make something of my life. i'm 38 & often the 3rd wheel where my family is concerned. i have no family of my own.

Just dont have a reason to keep going. tried to find a partner but it went very badly. i feel flawed.

have life threatening disease which at the moment cause great anxiety. cant keep doing this on my own. but find it hard to get out there & make some friends. & my christian beliefs tend to haunt me. it's all just a bit overwhelming.

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[Neil_1]

Hi there MissMuppet

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and posting.  This is a really good and positive step that you’ve taken to do just this.

Ahh yes, the ever eternal question:  “… my purpose in life”.  That can haunt so many of us and can really reek havoc on our thought processes, as you’re no doubt finding out.  But I would have thought that between your counsellor and your psyche, they would have been able to give you reasons (and plenty of them) in regard to that question and also coping mechanisms.

I’m not quite sure what you’re referring to when you say the ‘3rd wheel’ in your family – I’ll have a stab at this and guess that you’re referring to yourself as like the ‘black sheep’ of the family – kind of like the ‘outcast’ one??  Are your family aware of your bipolar, as well as these other chronic health concerns??

To read that you also have a life-threatening disease, that troubles me a lot and no wonder this is the cause of great anxiety for you – very understandable.  And by the sound of it, there’s not a lot of close support for yourself – be it with either family or friends??

With regard to your Christian faith, are there places that you can go within that community that you could seek out some kinds of gatherings or get togethers?  I’m sorry, I’m not into this at all hence my lack of more definite suggestions, however, I would have thought that for someone especially with the issues that you’re burdened with, I would have thought that there’d be different places you could go for, let’s just say, initially for support and care??

I do hope that my post has given you, even a little bit of information/positiveness and I would really like to hear back from you again.

Kind regards

Neil

[missmuppet]

Thank u Neil. I'll need some time to consider your points & respond. I went out & sort some help today & feeling a bit better. Thank u Beyond Blue for your support & care also. One small step at a time. 

[geoff]

dear Missmuppet, thanks for deciding to contact us as it can be a difficult decision, thinking what will they think of me, and the answer to this is that you are asking us for advice and certainly help.

Neil has given you a great reply which you have taken on board and that's a good start.

There seem to be many issues here that are affecting you, your health which is life threatening, finding a partner, being on the outer in your family, can't connect with your christian beliefs, and last of all your bipolar depression, so boy this is a great deal to cope with.

If your psychiatrist and counsellor are of no help it's time to change and maybe try and see if you can see a psychologist, they would have a different approach.

It is true that the work has to be done by ourselves, but this can only start if you have a relationship with your therapist, because they will give you different ideas which can then make you think alone the right track, however when they do this doesn't automatically cure you, but it expands your thoughts.

Have you thought about talking to your priest who will you ideas about any church gatherings.

What we are worried about is your health, so can you tell us, only if you want, how the progress of this going. L Geoff. x

[missmuppet]

Thanks Geoff, I'm not sure what to write now. I still feel a bit overloaded. My relationship with others, friends & family is complicated because of a questionable church in Qld. I moved to Vic about 5 yrs ago to start again. Huge change to my life. I find it hard to trust people again.

My core beliefs are very strict & wish I could change how I think about certain things.

I have a bonemarrow failure disease but for the most part it can stay on the shelf unless I get a fever etc. But when I'm sick I find it hard to go thru it alone.

I'm thinking of perhaps trying a counselor who has experience in the religious stuff I struggle with. Because that is most important to me. I'm starting to feel a little better today. Just not looking too far ahead & get lost in anxiety about the future. Be in the now.

Thanks for listening

[Neil_1]

Hi MissMuppett

Thanx so much for getting back to us.

I'm sorry to hear about your bone marrow failure disease.  Does not sound nice at all.  When you say it can stay on the shelf, is that due to, that in the future, it won't get worse or that it's treatable.

I'm pleased to hear that you're feeling a little better today with the other issues.  I like the last part where you wrote about being in the 'now' and not looking too far ahead.

One thing that works for me is to get a piece of paper and write down all the issues you have going on - and take your time with it - then, sort them out into what’s so dire that you need to focus on it right here and now, and what’s say, not SO important.  If you can break it down that way, then you’ve got the options to create little goals for yourself.  No massive epic kinds of ones, just little ones that are manageable.  Then you can feel proud and satisfied that  you’ve marked off some things from your list.  Little goals – and little steps forward.

Kind regards

Neil

[missmuppet]

That is a good idea. Will try that when I'm feeling anxious.

My bonemarrow issue has already progressed the past few years & they think it will get worse but don't really know how & when. There is risk of bleeding & infection. I need to get sicker before they will do transplant - another thing I can't do on my own. There is an unrelated donor waiting for me overseas. But for now it's just watch & wait. But I'm doing ok right now.

Thanks

[Little_Otter]

Hey there,  I know your post is quite old but I felt like I needed to reply to it.  I'm Christian,  bisexual and suffer from several mental health and physical health issues. No one at my church has any idea about my sexuality, I am in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex.

I was brought up in a religious family,  I have an aunt who is a lesbian and despite the fact she married her partner,  some of my family still think it's a phase! Only a few family members know the truth about me,  I felt very conflicted and guilty for liking both boys and girls,  and have only ever been in relationships with guys,  I'm a gal. It took me a long time to come to terms,  26 years, with who I am. 

Now believe that God loves me,  no matter what other people think,  Jesus never preached about sexuality,  I follow the teachings of Jesus and the New Testament, although I love the book of Psalms,  David was obviously suffering from depression, you can feel the despair in his writing. 

For me, I read the Psalms and pray,  I practice mindfulness and journal. I'm lucky to have supportive people in my life.  Hopefully you can find some, even if it's in places like this to begin with. You might need to find a different therapist, that can be hard. Sometimes you have to do hard things to get results. 

I hope that my post has been of some help and not just ramblings. All the best ☺

[Gruffudd]

Hi there,

I have found gay christian internet support groups can be a good. Sometimes faith can be supportive and provide a community, that is when I chose to engage with it. 

I was glad to read you were going OK even with all that is going on. Hope to see you around here again.

Rob.