Lesbian, married and depressed

[RubyShoes]

Hi, I have been married for 8 years but my husband and I have never had sex. I can’t, for physical reasons, but I also don’t want to because I love women and am not really attracted to men anymore. In fact, the longer I stay married, the less interested in males I become and I am almost physically repulsed by my husband, sorry to say, although I do love him. We are both Christian and so decided that we would wait until marriage before having sex. Well that was a mistake for me. Anyway, I have loved women since a very young age but thought that my love for my husband would be enough. It isn’t though as the lack of intimacy is slowly driving me around the bend. Recently I joined a lesbian dating site and have found a woman I really like. We clicked straight away and over a couple of months fell in love with each other. Last weekend, we finally met and spent the night together. I loved it. I love her and cannot get her out of my mind. The last three days I have felt utterly miserable because I don’t feel that I can leave my husband. It would absolutely destroy him. He is totally devoted to me. If I left, he would literally drink himself to death. That is no exaggeration. My unhappiness comes from feeling like I’m completely trapped. I could never bring myself to do something that would decimate my husband but I also don’t know if I could spend the rest of my life in an intimacy-free marriage. It’s killing me. I feel that I made a monumental mistake by getting married and that I’m doomed to a life of growing unhappiness.

I’m not on here looking for answers of any sort; I just need to talk....

[monkey_magic]

HiRubyShoes,

Welcome to Beyond Blue. It sounds like you are in such a difficult situation. You're in love with another woman but can't leave your husband because you're afraid of what he might do to himself if you leave.

You said you just needed to talk so feel free to say as much or as little as you like, we will be listening.

MM

[Croix]

Dear RubyShoes~

I'd lake to join MM in welcoming you here. It must have been difficult to talk about, however I'm glad you did, talk can help.

Finding out who we are is a life-long process, and this applies to most things in life, not just sexual orientation.

I've no advice other than to ask if everything has to be black and white? It is always tempting to say yes, however life does not always give us the luxury of that choice. You mentioned two unacceptable alternatives, leaving your husband, or having an intimacy free marriage.

Are those the only alternatives?

The only other thing to say, which I'm sure you are well aware of, is that it can be hard to tell love and permanence from a fling, particularly if one has litle experience. Sex is a powerful attractor.

Croix

[RubyShoes]

Thank you Croix. I don’t however understand the point you are making in your last paragraph. Of course I can tell love and permanence from a fling...

It’s not the sex per se that attracts me. You may think that I’m deluding myself by saying that but let me be totally frank. At no point during my night of sex with the woman, did I feel turned on, or have an orgasm. In fact, right now my libido is at 0 level. But I still loved it. I loved it for the emotional and physical intimacy that it gave me, something I have never experienced, certainly not with a man. So, you see, it’s not just sex that is a powerful attractor. And when you say that, what EXACTLY do you mean? Are you talking about sexual desire and the possibility of orgasm? Because I am not. Sex is a lot more to me than that.

[Aaronsis]

Hi RubyShoes

I wanted to say how great it is that you have come to seek some support in what is a very emotional and painful situation that you are in. I don't know how you feel and I am not in your position, I just wanted to hopefully give you some support and perhaps help you through this time.

I can see that you have not received the support from Croix in which it was intended and that is I think they are merely trying to get you to explore if there are in fact other alternatives to your situation that are outside the square, that are not one of the two options you have expressed as unacceptable. I dont think that Croix was eluding to the fact you lacked experience but more referring to the experience of being with women, as opposed to men, which is what you have chosen most of your life.

I think the reference to sex was because you talked alot about it in the beginning of your message and they were just reiterating your feelings on sex and that it has been missing from your life and it is A powerful attractor, not THE ONLY attractor.

I hope you continue to chat here as we are here to support you and hope to bring you some comfort.

Hugs to you

AS

[RubyShoes]

Thanks Aaronsis. I mentioned the word sex twice merely to set the context of this issue. But if you read my post it is about intimacy. I made that quite clear. Are you a male? Because that will definitely colour your idea of what ‘sex’ is. You see, if I were to seek physical intimacy from my husband he would simply see it as a prelude to sex. Therefore there isn’t any intimacy. Anyway I feel like I’m just going to go around in circles here. I think I would be better off talking to one of my friends about this. Thanks anyway.

[Aaronsis]

Hi RubyShoes

I am very sorry to hear that we have not been able to support you as you have needed on this occasion, it is very hard with written word to get the tone and the message correct.

I am very sorry if I have offended you in anyway, that was not my intention.

I am actually a female, I understand totally what you are saying with regards to intimacy, it is very different from the act of sex.

I hope that your friends are able to support you through this time.

Every best wish

AS

[RubyShoes]

Thanks Aaronsis. You didn’t offend me.

Take care.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear RubyShoes,

Welcome to Beyond Blue, and well done for reaching out.

You said that "I’m not on here looking for answers of any sort; I just need to talk" so I won't offer any advice or answers, just encouragement ....... I probably don't really have any answers anyway. I'm not a professional, neither am I a lesbian. I am simply a woman who has also been in a marriage starved of intimacy. And no, I too, do not mean the physical type of intimacy that my (now ex) husband used to always think I meant. I'm talking about emotional intimacy; the connection of 'my soul to another's soul'. I was married to him for 12 years, and right from the start there was 'something missing' ..... I just could NOT seem to 'connect' with him at any kind of deep level. Not like I thought a husband and wife should be able to anyway. Only a short time into the marriage, I began to hear of, and learn about Aspergers Syndrome, and have since come to realise that, in my opinion, he has it, and that was why we couldn't connect; he simply did not have the same wiring in his brain that I did. It was like he just wasn't capable of showing emotions in a way I could connect with. And over time, it just got worse and worse. And I too became a Christian, a couple of years into the marriage. He too had been brought up in a fairly strict catholic environment, and so leaving seemed out of the question. How could I break my promise to God? I had PROMISED to 'love and cherish him until death parts us', and I was failing. I became very depressed, and was spiraling fast into a place I did not want to go ...... again. I had been severely depressed before, therefore was at risk of suicide idealization once again.

Anyway, obviously the marriage fell apart completely, and now we are divorced. But I survived. Am I happy to be divorced? Not really, no. It was never my plan. But am I happier now, because I talked it out, and told people about what was really going on? Absolutely! A problem shared, is a problem halved, as the saying goes. So please, feel free to come here to talk as much as you want. You may not always get the exact help or hear the exact words you want, but you will always be heard. We're not perfect, but we're all doing the best we can with what we have. Just like you are now. And maybe one day, things will be better.

Just keep talking it out, is all I can say. Because 'problem sharing' is exactly what we are here for.

Take care. I'll be thinking of you. xo

[RubyShoes]

Thanks Soberlicious for your kind words and encouragement. In your experience, what is emotional intimacy? Because I cannot work out if my husband and I have it. I know that may sound like a stupid statement but I really don’t know. Just like I didn’t know if I was in love with my husband before we married. I now realise that I wasn’t but the reason I couldn’t tell was because I had never really experienced it before. I love him dearly but at the same time I think I could live quite happily without him. I am not sure if I love him more than a friend although the thought of causing him pain kills me.

While we share our feelings and aspirations and frustrations with each other, I am not sure this is emotional intimacy. I think emotional intimacy requires a level of vulnerability that I feel I cannot express withhim. The kind of openness and vulnerability I crave I can only find with women. Of course, the lack of physical intimacy also removes opportunities for emotional intimacy.

So now I am involved in an affair with a woman and I know I have to end it. But the thought of not having that close contact with a woman is really hard to take. I know there is nothing anyone can do to help me but sometimes the despair is overwhelming.