I've conceded I'll always be lonely, how do I cope?

[Grints40]

I'm a 40 year old guy who has finally realised I'm never going to have friends, will never wake up with anyone again, will never have anyone to just "hang" with. I need help accepting this and coping.

A bit of background, I moved to Perth from Victoria 15 years ago and despite getting involved with 2 groups of people, after 18 months and a couple of silly falling outs I found myself with no one to do anything with, no one to talk to, broke and stuck in a city thousands of kilometers from my family. Its in this environment I met a guy who I ended up being in a 10 year relationship with (I am gay). In this 10 years I failed to make any friends so when we split I found myself very much alone. Over the past 4 years I've tried to join groups of people with common interests, approach work people with common interests who I get along well with but still my phone never rings and every time I ask anyone if they want to do anything outside of the setting we've met in I get the "I'm pretty busy..." line followed by excuses as to why we can't catch up.

I get that I'm very socially awkward and this makes it hard, and I'm also aware that by my age most people have their group or families but it doesn't make constantly doing the things I enjoy alone any easier. I'm constantly watching groups of friends have a blast when they get together and wondering why I can't, or have never been included... As in where's my group?

I guess the final kick in the guts came just before new Years last year. Not long after leaving my relationship I had a chance meeting with someone who actually seemed to like me and have lots of common interests. Despite the fact I'm in Perth and they are in the eastern states I decided to pursue the friendship. For a while there was genuine interest but when we caught up again it felt like he would have been happier alone than with me - I tried to ignore this but it was impossible to when a few months later I asked to catch up again and got the "I'm busy" crap. This is someone who fly's all over the country to spend time with people but wouldn't even spend time with me when it was me willing to make all the effort.

Im basicly only still here because I have a dog. Without him I have no reason to wake up. The constant rejection from everyone I approach has got me so depressed I can't even think how I'm going to survive another maybe 30 or 40 years alone.

I've conceded - how do I accept this??

[marcus_c]

Hi Grints40,

It's shitty to feel lonely. What can be sometimes perverse about it, I've found, is that the worse you feel, and the more desperate you are to connect with other people, can often be the worst time to do it. I'm not sure if sometimes people can feel your desperation and this gives off weird vibes, or whether it's just that you tend to notice rejections more when you're already feeling low. Either way, it's crushing and I'm sorry you're feeling like this right now.

So, how can you accept things as they are currently and cope? (I'm saying accept things 'as they are currently' rather than 'always', because I don't believe that it's possible for any of us to know what might happen to us in the future with friends or relationships)

You mentioned early on in your post about being stuck on the other side of the country from your family, and it sounds like that was a major source of isolation for you. What's keeping you in Perth? Sometimes I've found the best thing to do when stuck is to recognise that you need to try something a bit different and radical to make a change, and to start finding those reasons to wake up every day. Those reasons are going to come from inside you, by pursuing interests and activities that matter to you and give you joy as an individual. As you start building a life that is fulfilling and meaningful to you, you will be surprised by how it can bring you into contact with other people and connections can flow from there.

I hope that doesn't sound too woolly but I'm happy to talk more.

[quirkywords]

Grints,

I am sorry you are feeling lonely .

Marcus has written caring and supportive reply to you.

I wondered what you thought about his suggestion to move from Perth to the other side of the country to your family.

I can understand that when your ten year relationship ended and you felt you had no friends that would have made you feel quite lonely. it shows you that you have the social skills to have a long term relationship.

I agree with Marc, that you can accept how things are for now, but things do change .

What type of dog do you have? Do you take it for walks? I don't have a dog, but my cousin does and when I visit her I take the dog for a walk and am surprised how many people chat to the dog and then to me . I know people who have met friends through their dogs . Just smiling and saying hello to people when you walk around your community can make you feel that you belong.

These are just a few suggestions and I realise they may not suit you.

Quirky

[Boyblue]

Hi Grints40,

I was not only touched your message but also, quite releaved to know I am not the only one. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing such an experience with us. It takes courage and it something I don't even have the guts to admit myself.

I'm 43, and in the same predicament as you...to the letter. As a result I battle depression and anxiety. Loneliness can be quite a sick feeling to experience indeed. You know the saying...one can still be lonely in a crowd? That's me too.

Grints40, I feel your pain as I walk through it too. I find it hard to make friends and can be quite anxious at gatherings where I know not many. For me, seeking counselling helps me get through. Do you have a good counsellor? I found it smoothed the edges and made it bareable. Also, if it is starting to affect your outlook on life, as it did me, seeing a GP about it with perhaps a mild antidepressant might help. It helped me. Although I still feel like you do. But it helps me to cope.

I'm not on the gay scene and I don't like night clubs so finding gay friends for me is difficult too. You are lucky you have a dog. You keep on loving him/her to bits ok? When I had a dog, it helped me too. I now live on acerage and have a little hobby keeping chooks. I love the chooks keeps me busy.

Now Grints40, I want you to promise me one thing. That whenever you feel low and question life, please remember...you have a friend who is going through similar things. Me. Please reach out. I don't think you realise how helpful and supportive your post was to me. I thought it was just me. I feel better knowing someone else is going through similar, and that perhaps we can help each other.

A big hug to you Grints40...im thinking of you.

😊

[Grints40]

Thanks for your message marcus_c - very helpful.

No there is nothing keeping me here in Perth and I am in fact planning on relocating in the middle of 2019 to Brisbane. My family is in Victoria so I will be able to get to see them a couple of times per year rather than once every couple of years.

I couldn't agree more with your first thoughts about the "vibe" we maybe give off too - I went away for the weekend and while I was away I did realise that even I wouldn't want to hang around with me at the moment so why would anyone else haha (I didn't think this in a self loathing way, more a sudden realisation). Its an attitude thing I guess...

[dl_1985]

We sound very similar, although I'm 33 and on the Sunshine Coast. My family and school friends aren't far away, but it would be nice to have someone or people that get me.

When you move to Brisbane I'd be happy to meet up and hang out. There's plenty to do around the Sunny Coast!