I'm so tired of being confused

E9L9S9 · ‎19-02-2018

I'm mid forties and I've only ever been with men, lots of them. But very unhappily. I've fantasised about women since high school. Yet I put the brakes on every time I feel an emotion for a woman. I squash it down deep and keep pursuing men. I like men, I flirt with men. I just don't let my deeper self show. I'm so scared of making a fool of myself or being judged. Everyone knows I have questioned my sexuality including my family and close friends. I talk about it all the time and do nothing. I went on one date with a woman, and she was really angry and I ended the date fairly quickly. I'm not angry anymore and don't want to be around anger. I have had serious mental health issues and all associated with identity and being a good girl, not disappointing, not expressing myself, catching my words in my throat before they come out. I've had enough. I feel even if I was with a woman I wouldn't have my answer, but because I don't give myself the opportunity to be open to it, I won't let myself try it. Even as I write this I feel alienated from the words. Sometimes I just think I am scared of men but am straight. I've never been sexually assaulted or physically hurt by a man, I just feel inferior and tired with them. I have no idea what this all means. Any words of help are most welcome.

Just Sara · ‎20-02-2018

Hey there E;

Please; take a load off and relax ok. It must've taken a heap of courage to reach out, so well done. Grab a cuppa jo and read with me.

There's nothing like a good dose of sexual identity crisis to cure anxiety and depression - NOT! (Facetious bitch I am) lol I know exactly what you're getting at.

I began fantasising about women in my early/mid teens although I considered myself straight. I was berated by my best friend (at 19) for touching and caressing her on a sleepover, then only 'acted' on it again in my 30's. A straight woman who I loved, but she and her friend tried to force me into a 3-some. Whew... Broke my heart...

I'm late 50's now and had another shot at loving women thru online dating a yr ago, but was sexually assaulted. Ended up in a psych ward for 10 days. Don't get me wrong, I really needed that break. The assault ended my same sex relationship desires though.

You're perfectly normal ok. Sexuality's fluid and runs along a spectrum. Labels don't matter unless you're involved with situations that require 'naming' what you're trying to express. Otherwise, it's a very personal journey; no-one else's business.

Are you interested in having sex (fun-buddy) or an intimate relationship? Either way, finding a partner who's patient, trustworthy, knows your situation and respects you and your needs would be best.

Your date sounds challenging. I don't go for aggressive either. My love of women begins in my heart unfortunately. I'm a big emotional sook. Maybe that's why I approached women I already knew.

Like you, I had to explore internal stirrings re appropriate, normal, wrong/right, the why's and the dreaded fear and shame bugs.

On a more specific level, being the initiator for me is preferable. I've put this down to control issues from trauma. Actually, I can do this with men too, but safety's always been at the fore. Who would've thought a woman would do that?

Anyway, I've focused on myself to give you confidence you're not the only one so don't feel isolated ok.

Get back to me and we can chat about what's the most difficult issue for you. You never know, it may rekindle my little flame. 🙂

Lovely to meet you E;

Sez

E9L9S9 · ‎20-02-2018

Hi Sez,

Thank you so much for your supportive and welcomed words. I've read a lot about fluidity of sexuality, I guess as a sensible, black and white person I wanted a black and white sexuality. It's frustrating to swing around because it makes me feel so indecisive and ridiculously needy. But yes I need to chill out about it and just embrace life.

I just quit my corporate job and looking at a more holistic career and almost within a few days i feel calmer. i will be a lot poorer but happier.

I think I will just be more open to going with the flow. I too am scared of accidentally misreading signals and insulting or just confusing the situation with another woman.

Thanks again.

E

Just Sara · ‎20-02-2018

Hi again E;

I'm so glad you got something positive out of my post. Looking at your writing style, you seem more chilled as you say; your first one sounded a little confused and urgent.

You then wrote;

'I just quit my corporate job and looking at a more holistic career and almost within a few days i feel calmer. i will be a lot poorer but happier'

The gap between corporate and holistic couldn't be wider! lol This goes for stress levels too. Could I ask which field you intend on moving to? It's a pretty broad variety of directions. I must also add you're incredibly brave! Placing career satisfaction over finances would've been a difficult decision. I'm glad it feels right..

I get the 'black and white' thing. Not understanding our stirrings and wanting answers can be frustrating. You've obviously done your research though; it's just personal experience that's missing.

As for misreading signals, the situation in my teens happened while she was asleep. I was in that state of being between sleep and awake and went with my feelings. As they say; it just happened.

In my 30's, I was massaging her neck/shoulders and picked up sensual feelings 'from her'. I slowly moved into areas that weren't part of the process and she reciprocated. It went all the way from there. The situation with her friend occurred a couple of days later after we had social drinks at her house.

I had many opportunities to be with women before this thru being approached, but as my internal messages came from what happened when I was 19, I feared and mistrusted my feelings of arousal.

Acting on your impulses is scary. I do hope though you find comfort and passion in the arms of another. I hope she's everything you're after.

The dating scene's precarious just as it is with men, so I found out. Please take care of yourself and trust your instincts; they're there for a reason.

How's your mental health? It seems this calmness is defeating any overload you've suffered.

Anyway, it was nice to read your response. Have a great day!

Sez

E9L9S9 · ‎21-02-2018

Thanks Sez

I still feel so up and down about it all. It's just being kind to yourself to let yourself grow and learn.

Wish I did this when I was younger and not now. Wish it was all on a better path. oh well now's obviously the time.

Just Sara · ‎23-02-2018

Hi E;

You sound a little down. I'm sorry..

It seems I may not be reading you correctly? Are these desires making you upset? I'm wondering if something's happened with a man to nudge you in this direction.

If so, you're not the first person to say/querie this. I'm not going to talk about myself as I feel you may need to purge? Please don't hesitate to let fly ok. This site's non judgemental and secure. Just sayin'...

I try to be here everyday, though I do take a day off now and then to rest. If I don't respond quickly, please don't worry or feel abandoned ok.

Would love to hear from you again..

Sez