I DESPISE ME

[Lost_Soul]

I am gay and I was molested as a child... These are two realisations that I only learned to accept and fully understand 2-3 years ago.

I am no expert but I am convinced that my abuse had a lot to do with my sexuality. I didn't know how it started but I am certain that I am already trapped in such a horrific situation as early as I start to come to my own senses. I hate what I am now, what I have become, I despise it. I want to live a straight life and tried so hard to do it with little to zero success. I've had straight relationships in the past to try to live the ideal straight life that I am dreaming of but I've always known that I am lying to myself. I don't hate the LGBT community but I hate myself for being gay and I hate this life even more thinking that i could have a better shot at living a straight life had I have not been molested.... And now, all the urges, all the attraction towards the same sex that im trying to block are only getting stronger. I know there's no escaping it and I am what I am now. I'm in my late 30s already, diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. I am extremely unhappy, i always feel that there is a void inside me, I feel that life is wasting away before my eyes... I am in the closet and Id probably stay there till the day I die. I am getting tired... I guess this is my cry for help for anyone who could make me appreciate this life that I am causing me too much suffering...

[Sophie_M]

Hi Lost.soul,
 
Welcome to the forums and we hope you find the support you are looking for here. We want to thank you for your open and honest post. It sounds like you have been dealing with some very conflicting and difficult feelings for a long time. We hope this brave step that you have taken today reaching out will lead you to a more peaceful and understanding existence with yourself and your feelings.
 
We hear that you are conflicted in terms of your attractions and identities, if you would like to talk to a peer support service for people who may have had similar experiences, we would recommend contacting Qlife which is anonymous LGBTI support service operated between 3PM and Midnight. (1800 184 527 and webchat here: https://qlife.org.au/)
 
We would also recommend contacting Blue Knot Foundation who offer trauma counselling for person’s who have experienced childhood trauma, you can contact them here at: 1300 657 380 (9am – 5pm)
 
Our Beyond Blue Support Service are also available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 
 
We wish you the best of luck and welcome again.

[geoff]

Hello Lost.Soul, It's not uncommon for people of the same sex to admire how good looking another person is and only wish they too could be so handsome/hunky/spunky or attractive and know they wouldn't have any trouble in getting a partner of either sex, that's a thought that's been happening for centuries and will always continue.

Just because you like the look of another guy doesn't necessarily make you gay, I only wish at times that my looks and physical capacity was just as good as that other person, but it doesn't mean that I'm gay because I'm not, I'm straight, and previously I would go out with other male friends, to play golf, to help them around the house, to have a few beers with or to discuss a situation either of us was having difficulty with.

There are many other options I'd go with a mate with to decide, to help either of us, this is different than actually dating a male which I wouldn't as I'm straight.

I wonder whether this is a confusion you might be taking into account.

Geoff.

[Lost_Soul]

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. For the longest time, I hope this was the case for me but unfortunately not. I know I have sexual desires toward the same sex. Although my last sexual contact with a man happened back when I was still in the university, i would still engage with the same sex online until now...

Im not proud of it but the more i try to control and avoid it, the urges just keep getting stronger. I hope I'm living a different like than this.

[Lost_Soul]

Thank you so much.

[On The Road]

Hi Lost.Soul,

How are you recently? You still here?

I feel the pain reading your post, the self-hatred, the loneliness, the hopelessness. The late 30s is when ppl tend to feel extremely lonely. lost about the past and hopeless about the future.

do you have any mates accompanying you that provide you continuous support when you're overwhelmed?

Please share more if you want, looking forward to you reply 🙂