Gay, anxiety/depression, redundancy, gambling, suicidal

[Pac1979]

Hello,

First time poster. I have always been shy and anxious, even as a young child, pics of me are tight lipped smiles, the only video of me shows me as anxious with OCD patterns (rubbing my inner forearms against my ribs constantly).. Was bullied a lot and had bricks hit on my head or thrown at my head a few times. This was in Glasgow between 5-9 y.o.

My parents came to Sydney, that was very traumatising, starting end of year 3 here, and bullied and teased about my accent. And was bullied here from year 3 until end of high school.

One tuesday after a normal sports day when I was 15 I was walking home from school the normal way around 2:30pm. But some voice in my head said "look back" which I never normally did. I looked back and saw 3 guys at the end of the street. The voice in my head said "run!" But I was too socially shy and thought I'd look stupid. Well, the three guys caught up with me, asked for a dollar. I said I had no money, then they said give me your watch, it was my Xmas pressure, digital and told the temperature, I loved it. I said no, then they started to bash me and punch me until I fell to the ground and until I took my watch off and gave it to them.

Even until today I hate feeling people behind me, I am hyper-vigilant, I need to sit at the back of a bus or train otherwise I am extremely anxious. I hate being in crowds and panic. I know I was always an anxious child (in hindsight) and the mugging made it worse. I first saw a doc in 2004, because I read an article about social phobia and realised that was me.

Im 37, I've been single for 14 years. Had 1 proper boyfriend and that lasted 8 months (yes I'm gay and I know that added to everything as I had to hide who I am). I've tried 6 different anti depressants. Some good most bad. I was made redundant after 11 years at my job and lost my self worth. But even as I worked there I wouldn't go to the toilet at work and had anxiety catching the lift. After my redundancy I went overseas by myself for 2 months hoping it would cure my social anxiety. It didn't. A few weeks after I came back I took myself to a medical centre on a Saturday because I wanted to kill myself, I didn't have my Medicare card, they refused me, I went outside and thought, if I don't see someone I'm going to kill myself. I went back in and broke down in tears at the reception. She let me see a doc and I got referred to the mental health team. They came uninvited to my house

[Lonelydan]

Hi Pac1979, welcome to the forums im glad you decided to post. I to know the pain on being bullied at school, people can be so horrible I was raped by a teacher when I was nine and everybody knew about it. They all said the most disgusting things like I must've wanted it and enjoyed it just horrible stuff. I had the same thing going on at home to so I was living on the streets at 14 and was safer homeless. How did you go with your visit from the mental health team you have some guts going into a medical centre like that good on you. Hope they were able to give you some help ptsd is real and vicious and something you cant face alone hope you keep posting. Danny...

[Croix]

Dear Pac~

Like Danny said, you are very welcome here, a safe place where all that will happen is others with the same experiences or illnesses will talk, try to help, understand.

Your life has been horrible, an eternal line of terrible experiences, each hurting deeply and taking away your regard for yourself. Although from the UK and going to school here my experiences are not the same . We do have in common illness. I have PTSD, anxiety and had bouts of depression, I've wanted to take my life too.

You've given a very clear picture of your life, could you also talk about how things are now. Are you having treatment with meds, and therapy at the moment, do you have a family , people to talk to that understand and support you?

I'm not being nosy but so people here can be aware of what you face at the moment.

Some of you symptoms and feelings remind me of my PTSD. Also my anxiety. I'm in a pretty good place now, and I got there very largely due to medical help. This is despite the fact I was not an ideal case and had gone for a long period before being properly diagnosed and treated.

So I guess if I can be helped others such as yourself can too. There are a various different methods, many very good. I'd suggest having a look at Anxiety, PTSD and Depression in The Facts menu above and find out more - if you haven't already. You could also look around the forum to see how others have coped.

Being retrenched is another real downer, and puts you on the job-seeking treadmill, a really soul-destroying experience, though one you may well be able to get through. You sound like you take a pretty intelligent way of doing things. Going overseas for a while to see if it would help is the mark of a resourceful person willing to think outside the box and try strange things.

I'd like to give you another thing that might help. I found my current partner when I was just a bit older than you are now, and we've been together for 20 odd years, still doing fine. There is every chance you will find someone too.

This place can seem overwhelming and full of sadness and pain. Yes it is sometimes but not everywhere. The thread called:

Forums/ BB Social Zone/ The Transcendent Rainbow Cafe - social space for LGBTI members

is a pretty good place to visit, a thread where people can hang out and talk about the lighter things in life, tell a joke, just natter. You'd be greeted with pleasure.

I really hope you come back and talk some more

Croix

[Gruffudd]

Hi Pac,

I can relate to quite a lot to be sure. My lot are from South Wales where being gay was not exactly accepted at least when I was growing up. I'm much the same age too.

What happened to you is horrid. For me psychological therapy has been helpful. I liked the practicality of CBT with sorting out the fear. Any chance of a Medicare card? I always find that one a challenge.

Glad you found BB, happy to listen, you are amongst friends here.

Rob.

[Pac1979]

Sorry, my end of post got lost. Thankyou to everyone who replied :), what I wrote is that after I went to the doctor and the mental health team came the next day, I came out to my parents. They said they always new I was gay. I have a better relationship with my mum, not really with my dad. My brother offered me work after my redundancy working in construction, steel fixing. I did that for nearly four years. So many of the guys were homophobic and so I hid myself once again just like in high school. The job was so hard, so physical. I'm felt like a loner. Every guy in this industry was a straight guy. I was self medicating on alcohol a lot during this time and by 2015/2016 I had missed so many work days, my brother fired me in March 2016. I stopped working, I felt worthless and useless, a friend let me stay with them. Then end of May I broke my forearm in 3 places so couldn't even work. I initally felt great, I had a physical reason for not being able to work! But eventually I was extremely depressed.whilst drinking I admitted to wanting to commit suicide to a friend in August. He called the police and I was taken to hospital, but I left as after waiting 5 hours no one had seen me. After that I went on an exercise bing despite my broken arm and a diet to lose weight and as they say, exercise beats depression. After 2 months of this I was still in a terrible place mentally and went to the doctors and said I need an anti depressant. . 2 weeks later I drank and wrote a suicide note. I messaged it to one of my only 2 friends at the time. I felt worthless and useless and like I was a burden on everyone. Well, my friends called the police again and my other only friend tricked me into meeting him whilst the police were nearby. I was taken to hospital. I stayed for over 5 hours before someone saw me. I just felt like a number. The mental health team visited me a few times after that episode and I went in and saw them and the psychiatrist. She was nice but I felt rushed.

[Croix]

Dear Pac~

I'm very glad you posted again. You certainly have had troubles and live under quite a heavy burden.

One thing I was a bit pleased about was you did have two friends who cared enough to take action. Now I understand the results were pretty unfortunate from your point of view, but that is lack of education as to the facts on their part. At least they cared.

So many just freeze or move aside when faced with the uncomfortable and frightening sight of a friend in distress. I think if it was me I would try to talk to them when you are not feeling completely overwhelmed and try to get them to understand what happens when you are hospitalized and if there is anything else they could try first. Can't hurt.

They can look up The Facts menu above to learn more about handling things or here :

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/have-the-conversation

The public health system is very patchy, I"m sorry you feel rushed when seeing the psych. Again if it was me I'd talk to her and explain that and see if she can come up with alternative ways of doing things where there might be less time pressure in the consultations. You said she was nice so I guess there is some hope there she will see where you are coming from.

I wonder how you are getting on at the moment? I would think you were not too good a few days ago when you first posted, is there less pressure and dark now?

You said you had a better relationship with your mum and she knows you are gay. Does she also know how bad you have been feeling? I found I really needed someone to look out for me, lend me strength when I was completely down.

I have given you the address of the Rainbow Cafe thread - I still think you might enjoy it, there is no ice to break, just pop in.

Again we would really like it if you came back and posted more, saying how you are

Croix