Finally accepting myself

[Purplebear]

Hi people!

I've been struggling with this for a long time but I just wanted to know what other people's processes were when they finally accepted their identity?
I'm 26 and just accepted myself as bi-sexual... I've had feelings towards women but always thought they were just feelings you got from being friends with someone. I'd thought I'd only be attracted to members of the opposite sex but since high school I've been struggling with knowing what was going on with me. My family doesn't accept me but my friends do. What makes things worse for me is that every girl I've fallen for doesn't feel the same way (which is fine) or I've had one call me greedy for liking both males and females.
I've felt happier since coming out even though I haven't had a successful same sex relationship. I've only every had successful relationships with guys.
One other thing I've been struggling with is also being poly. Said friend also called me greedy for that... I appoligise if this part shouldn't go here I just don't know where to post it.

Any thoughts on dealing with unhelpful family?

[Alexlisa]

Hello Purplebear,

That’s so great that you’ve been able to find acceptance and understanding of yourself. I know it can be a confusing path, especially if you have people in your life that you’re not sure how they’ll react. My family was not supportive of me when I came out. It took a long time for that to change, little by little, but it has got a lot better. I was really hurt by their responses and felt abandoned at a time when I really needed them.

The biggest thing that helped me was to connect with people in the gay community who could understand what I was going through. I reached out to services like Qlife (qlife.org.au) to find some social and support groups that I could go to and there I made a group of friends that I felt at home with. They were a great support to me and became my pseudo family at a time when I needed to feel like I belonged somewhere. Qlife is great to get in touch with because they’ll be able to tell you about lots of services, supports and social things that you can access. They also give phone and online counselling. They’d be great to talk to about your family situation because (unfortunately) its still a very common occurrence and they would be able to help you with ideas and support.

I’m sorry I can’t be of more help. It makes me sad to hear that others go through the same thing with their families. We deserve to be accepted and loved just like anyone else, don’t let anyone ever make you forget that you are precious. My group of gay friends were able to hold my hand through the worst of it and we could share our experiences openly and understand each other in ways that I never could with my straight friends. I guess cos it’s such a unique journey to take. I wish you luck.

Alexlisa

[MissBenthos]

Hi purplebear,

I find it helpful to compare to other situations in life to give myself a better perspective. For example: most people like ice cream, none of us need ice cream to survive but we like eating it because it adds something good to our lives. Some people have a favourite flavour they always eat, some people like all flavours and will eat any, other people like mixing several flavours together. None of those people are wrong in their choice of ice cream, it’s personal taste. It would seem absurd if a friend told you that you are greedy for enjoying more than 1 flavour of ice cream.

We are all greedy to some extent, none of us NEED romance in our lives to exist but we seek it anyway. Relationships add value to our lives.

Alexlisa’s suggestion of finding like minded community can really help too. For me that has been various poly focused groups online.

I’m sorry to hear your family hasn’t been so accepting 😞 I hope you have space from them when you need it.

xx

[LittleMissAlice]

Hello! I'm a Random Person, here to share my Probably Useless Opinions

First off, you're not greedy at all. I'm really sorry, but I laughed out loud at the thought of "Oi! Someone's stealing all the people!" People are a replenishable resource, take as many as you want.

Secondly, and probably more on topic, I'm 16 and I still haven't told my parents that I identify as female. They're incredibly religious, and have shared their ideas about LGBT+ many times (met with awkward chuckling from me), and none of those comments have been very nice. As a result, I'm absolutely terrified about telling them, and that's a problem I'll have to face eventually. On the bright side, though, like you said you had, I have a myriad of very supportive friends, and my gf hardly flinched when I told her I was trans.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that just because your family might not accept you, doesn't mean everyone won't. If you say that your friends support you, then there's your lifeline! Don't bother talking about this kind of stuff to the people who are going to hate you for it. If you have support somewhere, don't focus on the places where you don't.

Good luck stealing all the people!

Marie xo

[Jonnybvic]

So finally told few friends and some of my family what I get up to or tho at face value acceptance was there a different way I feel they act towards me which is fine I guess but there's much less talk and a short tolerance towards me, like I'm not wanted around so IV guess IV spent less time involving myself in contacting and staying around family function,s so I don't think it is wrong that some maybe like me a little less I'm the one who has not fully accepted that things now have changed n if people are angered by this then that is what it is n I guess the lose of family is what I came to accept before I told anyone but it's still the choice I made to take the big step... So I'm expecting the backlash to come soon but I guess I'll have to accept

[Only_I_know]

Hi There Jonnybvic, welcome to the forum.

From the detail in your post I'm guessing that you've announced to your family and some friends that you are either gay or bi. This is a big step for anyone, and I hope you are doing okay.

If they haven't fully accepted it, give them time. This would be big news to them too.

However, that being said, it's all about you. How you feel and how you are doing. No-one else really matters, if anyone else doesn't like it, then it's their loss. You are who you are, you don't have to live your life to the expectations of others.

I'm in my 40's, and was married. then about 18months ago I came out to my wife and kids, then my folks and my friends. Fortunately, everyone in my life has accepted who I am, they don't care - with the exception of my wife. It was hard on her, but she has accepted it and we are still great friends and love each other. The way I look at life now is that if my wife can accept it and still be my friend, then anyone else who doesn't like it - well, I don't need them.

There some support groups that I suggest that you make contact with - QLIFE in one of them - Google them. they are a peer support group for LGBT community.

Hang in there, it's better having spoken about it than not - take it from me. I held onto my 'secret' for 40 years and it almost cost me everything. I got so depressed that, well, put it this way - I am still around and probably wouldn't be if I had kept quiet.

These forums are full of people who have gone through similar experiences, and will share, so keep chatting away. Sometimes it may take a few hours or so for others to see new posts, but someone will always reply.

take care, and Have a great new year.

Daz

[Jonnybvic]

Dear daz

Thanks for taking time to get back to me, I have been trying to get to tell mostly my family but still have to tell 1 or 2 more who r close to me the want is there but I find it they just won't come out or the moment isn't right to tell these members of my family I have been surprised in there acceptance but can't help but think of the negative outcomes that can possibly b not so much with them but more so from others that were once very close to me as I have distanced myself away from most that were once friends to me but I am sure they wouldn't have the time for me

But after some great conversation with some great people made me realise that I have to do what is right for me as I have a distructive way of pushing people away from me so I did have to share this huge weight of a secret that I didn't want to share nor accept but I also have a bipolar which has made it hard for me as not always knowing if what i proserve is actually really what is going on infront of me so I had to take the chance and share with those closest to this secret that hidding was causing me to not be true n lie to those who mean the most to me

So or tho worry is still there I found this platform the easiest way to share this Weight until recently I had no idea was holding the smile upsidedown

Thanks again Jon b

[Jonnybvic]

Thanks again daz

U just said hope that the year is the best it can possibly be

.all the best Jon b

[Only_I_know]

Hi there Jon

I'm glad you've been able to share it with some others that are close to you. It's important that you do.

I know what you mean, I struggled at first, I wondered if I should just before I did, but I dove straight in and just said it. You can usually tell from their faces what they really think, and for me, in a lot of cases, there was surprise or shock first, but then came huge smiles. Smiles because they understood the enormity of what i'd said, that I'd trusted in them enough to share something so personal, so important. I got a lot of congratulations for having the courage, and they all have promised continued support.

I haven't lost any friends, I don't get treated any differently. I'm so glad that I have done what I needed to.

So have the courage to be you.

cheers

Daz