Empty inside

[Kremit the Forg]

Hey all. I've always known i was born in the wrong body since childhood.

A repressive and emotionally abusive childhood prevented me exploring my gender.

I met gay woman whose acceptance of her sexuality triggered my courage to explore my gender.

I came out last year during lockdown as i had no where to go or people to reinforce my assumed gender. I had to confront my own thoughts and fully accept who i am.

I found a psychologist who specialises in LGBTQIA+ and was formally diagnosed with accute gender dysphoria.

I was referred to a specialist GP for women's and transgender health and was approved the same day for hormone treatment.

I then changed everything admin related early this year (same time as hormones started). Legal name change everywhere i could think of. Legal gender change through Medicare and my passport. Anywhere there is a name field or gender fields i changed it.

Gender bullying at my last job forced me to leave. I found a new job where i was accepted as my correct gender. It's going very well and is very confirming just about all of the time.

I'm just about always correctly gendered now most places i go.

But... Someone i was getting close to, who is non binary and lesbian suggested the only reason women like me back is because they are curious about the effect hormones have on MtF transition. That is I'm still a guy but with boobs now.

I've almost given up overnight and have been crying for two days now. I'm emotionally numb and empty inside. I'm seriously questioning my identity and I think I'm a fake and pretending. I'm suicidal again and have never been so low.

How can i bounce back?

[Jo8049]

Hi Kremit , thank you for your kind words . You have said in words some things I have had feelings about but not words for . Girls and young women have a totally different experience growing up compared to males . And yes although it is hard coming back from some of this stuff that hurts it teaches you some thing each time . Being where I am located I am for safeties sake quite shy . I was told on several occasions in the old life that not everyone is open nice or honest as I am , and as I love everything and everyone I naively brought that with me . Bit of an oops moment I think now .

I agree totally with you on our uniqueness and beauty , I love Jo so so much and as old me could not stand looking in mirrors that was a huge moment when I can sit and gaze at Jo enjoying her being and beauty .

good luck with the bras' to , much love Jo

[Kremit the Forg]

I went for a picnic with the woman I have a romantic interest in. Great day out. But at the end of our time I asked her directly if she was interested in me romantically. Very quick no, no, not like that. Just friends. 😔

Oh well. I've got a sort of friend that takes weeks to respond, uses me and sends mixed signals.

Am I so desperate that I'll give up my self respect for any attention from her? Yes 😔

She was attracted to me the first few times we initially meet Then I gently inserted my pronouns and gender into a conversation. Next time...interest gone.

She accepts me as I am and has never given a hint of thinking I'm any other gender but mine openly, but she's one of the women who keeps looking at my breasts. Maybe she can't reconcile her first mistaken impression with who I truly am? Or maybe she wishes I didn't have them. We are generally ok with our own but that doesn't mean we're attracted to someone else's.

She does send me messages on rare occasions. So she does think about me sometimes.

I'm totally lost and confused.

Is it better to have a friendish than no one at all?

And her children do gender me correctly. So that's a great thing she's teaching to her kids. Acceptance and openness.

Transgender and gay and single with no friends. How do you learn to be a woman and a lesbian and deal with rejection at the same time!?

[sbella02]

Kremit the Forg,

I've just been reading through this thread, and am so sorry to hear about your experience of an unsupportive reception from people. Congrats on coming out as trans, that takes guts! It took me years to come out as bi, so I know the painful and anxious feelings that come with that. And oh my goodness, that feeling of "faking" your identity is so true, I have a lot of friends who are also in the queer community and we all agree that this is a universal experience. In my humble opinion, I think that has something to do with society and the long-standing underlying pressure to adhere to heteronormative ways of life.

Firstly, I'd like to point you towards a few places where you may be able to find other LGBTQIA+ people from your state. Facebook has tonnes of groups you can join, and you can also attend pride marches to find other people with similar experiences as well - obviously observing relevant Covid restrictions, of course.

You've always got the people on these forums to chat to as well. As a fellow member of the LGBTQIA+ community, although I can't relate to your experience of being trans and having gender dysphoria, coming out and dealing with people who won't accept your identity is something I'm all too familiar with. So I'm always here for a chat, too.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope that you find people in your life who are more than comfortable with your identity and accept you for everything that you are. Because you deserve nothing less.

Kind regards, SB