Discovering I’m Asexual.

[Captain T]

So I have discovered that I am asexual.  It explains a lot of my life. I don’t see myself with a partner and never have. I don’t get any enjoyment from sex and don’t care to ever do it again. 

I have had some female friendships where our closeness has lead to experimentation and I have found that nice and comforting. So I did question am I a lesbian but no. I don’t find men or women attractive. 

I feel at peace that I understand why I don’t feel like the ‘society norm’  While I know there is no such thing but the generalisation is there. 

Anyway I just feel that I want to put it out there. 

[Soberlicious96]

Hi there Captain T, welcome to Beyond Blue.

I too have felt as though I don't (or didn't at the time) fit the 'society norm' but my 'reason' for feeling that way was because I didn't want children. I didn't know of any other female who felt that way at all. I knew of other women who COULDN'T have kids, but I did not know of one single other person who DID NOT WANT to have kids. I remember crying to another friend of mine about my feelings and how much of a weirdo I felt like and how I just wanted to be 'normal' ... and she said to me "Mel, the only 'normal' in this world is a cycle on a washing machine, and sweetheart, you are not just not washing machine! That's all! We all have different wants, needs and aspirations and whatever your wants, needs and aspirations are, are perfect for you. Just be yourself. You're the only one qualified for that!"

I am happy to say I am now at the age of going through the change of life and I can confidently say two things:

1) the more I talked to people about what I was actually feeling, the more I discovered I wasn't the only one and

2) I have never, not even for a millisecond, felt like I have 'missed out' or 'duped myself' out of something that I didn't want in the first place anyway.

Others might want to have kids and that's okay for them, but I did not, have not, and certainly don't regret that now. I have a wonderful life with a wonderful man, fur babies (a dog and a cat) and I am free to work and go on holidays and do what I want to do.

Others are also free to have sex, or not have sex and I am sure there are plenty other people out there who feel exactly the same way as you do. You are not alone, and you are not a washing machine either! You are just a human person who knows what they do and or don't want. Well done on feeling at peace and understanding yourself. xox

[Captain T]

Thanks for your reply Soberlicious96. I really appreciate it. 

I understand the not wanting kids. It’s too

late now anyway. I did want to give my mum a grandchild but I didn’t want kids. I don’t know if that makes sense. 

I love the washing machine analogy. I’m going to use that. 

I don’t even want a partner. It is concerning as I age that there is no one there but I’ve gotten this far on my own I can do it alone too.

I don’t really have any friends so I can’t confide in anyone in my life. While I’m at peace it’s also tough to accept. If that makes sense. Someone to help would be great but as I’ve done dealing with my MI on my own I can do this too. 

[Trans22]

There are seven (7) types of attraction: aesthetic, emotional, sexual, physical, intellectual, romantic, & reciprocal.  Being asexual only means that you experience little/no sexual attraction.  I am AroAce and experience aesthetic, emotional, intellectual, & reciprocal attraction.  I am married to my BFF/soulmate but there is no sex or romance.  Intellectual attraction was what drove us together and keeps us together - e.g., our values are almost perfectly aligned.

[Gruffudd]

I am Ace too, Captain T. 🙂 I went theough quite a bit of the alphabet to get here. There do seem to be a majority of identities built around sex in some way, so Ace is quite a different perspective. I think knowing this has helped me avoid a lot of awkward in potential relationship. Recognising self can be a life affirming thing.