I am having a very fragile and vulnerable day today.
No idea why. Issues of abandonment are always close to the surface. Even when people around me go on holidays or my support person is away I crumble like a deflating doll. I don't seem to be able to feel grounded by myself. I tried but still can't find that inner anchor that would stop me bobbing up and down in that deep ocean.
I didn't know what depression was until my late twenties, although I experienced it from my early twenties. I think I had very good survival instincts that kept me going till I was 24 when everything came crashing down. I think it was easier to hide my problems because firstly I wasn't aware of them and secondly I lived in an arty, eccentric circle where things appeared ok even when they weren't. How were we to know? How do you know you are weird when every one around you is too? We were the normal ones, everyone else was the problem.
I think all this time I was acting out. I had no idea who I was. I went through life like a zombie. Everything from outside looked normal, study, travel, job. I had a totally different inner dialogue. I think that pressure of the two worlds becoming more polarized lead to my breakdown which happened in my late thirties.
i remember waking up one morning and knowing that this is it. I was living on the South Pole but I really needed to be on the North Pole. It's like I had to turn everything inside out. I was living in a heterosexual relationship, thinking my partner was gay, a nice house, a responsible job, a young son and an important standing in our community.
well, changing sexuality half way through your life is no picnic. I had no idea I was gay or bi or whatever. Very confusing time but I did have some wonderful relationships with women during the next 10 years or so.
I hate this illness. I hate the way it robs me of my peace of mind, of my constant vigilance, of the energy it takes from just enjoying the little things, of having to doubt my every decision in case it's the depression talking and not me? what does that even mean?
It's a horrible destructive disease. Some days I can and do accept that it's my reality and I do manage it the best I can but today is not one of those days.
i know I am in good hands here on bb because we all stumble and fall at times, get up, brush our knees off and plod again.
kind regards to all Vera
