Creating negative thoughts without happen anything

[Nuwan_P]

Hi,

 I am not sure exactly this is the correct forum to publish my matter. My topic related to starting close connection with a man. My sexuality is gay. Currently I am mentally getting very close with one guy who lives in a different state in Aus. May be this is my bad habit to expect reply from him to my messages or chat more daily with him. But if he get late to reply or couldn't able to chat with me, I start feeling very down, start creating reasons why he didn't reply. All the time he replys later or may be on the next day. But because of emotionally I am very attractive to that guy, I start feeling, all the negative sides,  ex: does he start to ignore me, does he with someone else, doesn't he want me anymore, etc.. like all negative things. Sometime I feel this gives me hard time. After I talk or message with him later, all my mind get back to fully normal. any thought to handle this situation in effective way. Thanks

[Paul]

Hi Nuwan_P, welcome to Beyond Blue forums,

This is the right place to talk about how you feel - thanks for reaching out to us.

I understand how you feel about not receiving a reply from your guy and your mind running away, leaving you wondering and scared sometimes sad. I've experienced this. It's really difficult when someone we are falling in love with lives in another state. Text based chats don't help either, as they can sometimes be misunderstood.

How does your guy feel about you? Have you talked to him about what you have, is it a friendship, are you getting to know each other, are you boyfriends? I think if you had a gentle discussion like that it might help to manage what to expect from him.

What do you think?

Paul xx

[Nuwan_P]

Thanks for the reply Paul.

It's a quite long story and I do my best to summarize here. I know this guy for more than 9 years and always we had emotional feeling to each other. But about a year gap onward our feeling go beyond up to sexual relationship and I think the best word may be "We are lovers", which is well above the friendship or just at the corner of being partners. But as I recently broke up from a long term relationship with another guy (as I was in a relationship didn't have that much chance to move into something positive  with this guy, but always had strong feeling inside) and I don't think it is a good time me to Jump into another. But mentally I am ready as I always have feeling on him and didn't hurt badly from previous ones as there was not that much to enjoy with my ex.

Yes he knows all my feeling as I already told him and he is care about those feeling. But still as a human plus I think I am very sensitive person when it comes to love. But I don't have strength to tell all my feeling, like I feel down, etc..feeling to him by thinking, he might get scared about what is going on. But I always message or tell over the phone my feeling like 'always nice to hear his voice and the deep feeling I got inside'. Recently I had psychiatrist sessions (the time I broke up from my previous relationship, about two months ago), and Dr told me not to create negative thoughts without happening anything. I know that's what I should do, but as a human I feel when it comes to practical world, its not easy thing to do.

 I also thinking if I am going to tell all my deep feeling to him, then he might get scared. So I don't want to give any wrong impression, plus he is a mature person, with my understand he is well understand what I say. 

Even sometime when I didn't get reply I keep checking my phone and thinking plus creating negative world, which makes put me down and sad. 

Thanks,

Nuwan 

[justinok]

Hey Nuwan, I know how you feel mate, I have been stuck in the vicious phone cycle of checking for messages. where your whole day can be made or broken based on just getting a reply.  I think for your own sanity you might have to have a conversation where you put out on the table what it is you're wanting from the relatinship going forward and what he might want.  You've known him for a really long time, I can't see how it can hurt for you to be honest about you're feeling.  If it does freak him out, then it is best that you know this sooner rather than later.  Guys who run away from intimacy are never going to make good relationship material anyway.  Have a look up 'anxious/avoidant attachment' on Google, it's something that my psychologist told me about.  I am an 'axnious' type and always seem to end up attracted to 'avoidant' guys, and in exactly the kind of situation you're in where your emotions are up and down like a roller coaster and you feel trapped.  Hope to hear more from you.

[Gruffudd]

Hi there Nuwan,

I have been that person who seems too slow at returning messages. With a busy job and not the best with technology the reason is always about me and not my boyfriend, I still feel for him though partly because if he could see inside me that I was thinking and feeling about him through my day, and that I had a good day because of that, he would have been just fine. It does help to talk and understand where the other is coming from. I would encourage you to understand your anxiety too, how can you ride it out? When I think of that relationship it was like the rabbit and the turtle, he seemed so very fast, and I seemed so very slow, but you know we both did care. 

Rob.

[Nuwan_P]

Thanks Guys,

Yes I hope we both are really understand each other and he is really caring about my feeling. As we both are not living in the same state we cannot see each other in regular intervals. I hope as a very emotional plus sensitive person it makes me much hard under that circumstance. 

 Yes, as Justinok mentioned above, we two know each other for long time about 8 years and if there is no mutual common things, it wouldn't stay this long even as a friends very first. We both are planningto have time together in Melbourne during this coming Xmas break and I am planning to talk about next step and will explain more about my feeling to him. On the other hand, I already explained all my feeling about him and as I recently separated from my ex, we both suggested that need bit more time to go for another one. Mentally as I always have feeling on him plus there was no hurt from previous relationship, personally I am free to go to the next step. But It knows only me and I don't want to push him though. This all come under consideration and makes me hard sometime.

I already talked about this with my GP and he is going to help me with more physiologist advises in coming weeks. I hope this will help me to calm down and make my mind in middle level instead of stressing me. 

Another thing that I am so worried about is, if I am going to tell all my feeling like a immature man, then he might get scared about me (just my thinking, may be he is not). My GP asked me to keep my phone away and don't keep checking, I know that is the thing I should do, but in practical world, I am finding that is hard though..

On the other hand with his job he is very busy man. Also he has his personal life as well like going out for dinner, lunch etc.. with his friends.I know all and should accept. But this waiting time is the problem I am trying to survive without making myself stressing.  

Thanks

[Gruffudd]

Hi Nuwan,

Nice to hear from you. You have done some more thinking. I wonder if it would help with the phone if you set some times when you check it, like every 4 hours or, perhaps at each end of the day and lunch, something like that. When I am trying to change my behaviour I find that it helps to reward myself for doing the right thing. Sounds like a christmas break to look forward to. 

Rob.

[Nuwan_P]

Thanks Rob,

Yes I already started to check my phone in big time gaps and it starts to make me much relax. But who knows, always feeling go up and down. It is something that hard to control. I know I am creating unnecessary pressure or stress on myself without anything happened.  I hope this is something I have to push myself with some work out like you all mentioned. 

Regards 

[Gruffudd]

Hi Nuwan,

I just wanted to check in on how things are going. I was thinking about my own anxiety and how when I am doing well things are not a problem and when I am anxious I just keep on thinking about the negative things and can't seem to ignore them. Today is one of those days and I caught myself rewording the negative thoughts as they were happening and that really helped. Hope you are doing well.

Rob.