Afraid to talk. First time I'm speaking up

Andrew125 · ‎02-12-2013

Hi,

This is the very first time I'm speaking up about how I feel and so far nobody knows whats going on. I feel so stupid for speaking up because my problem is by no means as bad as someone else's. But the truth is I'm drowning and I don't think I have the strength to keep my head above water anymore.

I'm a gay man living in regional australia (came here for work) but at 31 years of age I feel like my life is done and dusted. It all started 2 years ago when I began having feelings of suicide. But in the last 6 months, those feelings just won't go away no matter what I do and they are getting worse. I'm drowning in debt and no matter how much I try and negotiate with the collectors, its not enough, ever. One collecter told me to borrow money from family and go hungry. I can't make friends because people just seem to be so rude and I'm constantly hearing "I only want friends who don't have baggage" or look a certain way. I've been trying for the last 2 years to establish my own business but I can't seem to get it off the ground. I feel like I have no potential and my future feels so bleak. I feel like I am just existing and not living. There are people in my job who make me feel bad every day even though I have done nothing to them. So in that instance I feel like I am being punished for just being me.

I'm already underweight (53kg's) and my appetite is non-existant. There are days that I cannot bring myself to eat food or even get out of bed. I just feel so useless, helpless and alone. I'm finding that I am drinking much more these days (most nights its a whole bottle of red before bed) and yes the truth is I actually feel good about myself when the wine kicks in. I suddenly feel confident and ready to deal with all my troubles. But when it wears off, I'm back at square one. I keep wishing every night that I close my eyes and not wake up but as soon as I wake up, the nightmare begins.

I'm so sorry for speaking up but I just can't bring myself to tell anyone, not even my doctor, family or friends. Yet at the same time I'm worried that I'm probably making all this up in my head. I feel that I am nothing more than a burden to society and it's people. Am I depressed or am I just making a fuss over nothing because I have no idea.

Stephen123 · ‎02-12-2013

Hi Andrew, first may I say welcome to the forum and well done for having the courage to speak up. You have explained your situation very well. There are a few things that jump out at me from your post.

1 . Feelings of suicide, this is of most concern and maybe calling beyond blue would be a good idea. It can be completely anonymous and will give you some foundation.

2. The debt collectors, these sound like very nasty people and the sooner you get rid of these people the better. Again beyond blue might be able to direct you to an organisation that can advise you on your finances.

3. People in work are treating you badly, this is not on. Is it possible you are being bullied? Does your job have an employee assistance program. This is an excellent program that is totally anonymous.

4. Drinking, welcome to my world! I love it, nothing better than getting a good old bottle of wine down your neck but very dangerous, as you said when you wake up it,s just as bad as before.

5. Eating, this is not good.

so after all that you,re probably saying to yourself thanks for that captain obvious but I,m just trying to show that issues can be broken down into individual portions and managed one at a time.

sorry got to go good luck Andrew and let us know how you go

Neil_1 · ‎02-12-2013

Hi Andrew Well done for posting here and giving out your story … it always seems a hard thing to do at the start, but you’ll not only find people here caring and supportive, but they are genuinely interested in your welfare. All we want for everyone who comes to this site is for each person to try and feel a little better each day. Just a small something.

You sound like you’re really doing it tough at the moment Andrew … is there no way that you could possibly up and leave from where you currently are? I know it sounds heaps easy to say something like that, but from what I can gather, you have no real strong ties with where you are and it’s also not as though it sounds like a very friendly, warm environment (warm as in nature, not as in temperature, cause if you’re in regional Australia, and summer has just arrived, I’m guessing the temp will be warming up heaps and soon). Sorry, just a light moment there.

I’m at the moment helping myself out with alcohol at night times as well and for the time being, it seems to help; but we all know that it’s not the best solution, but hey, if nothing else is working. Not that I’m condoning heaps of grog being consumed.

Don’t ever be sorry for speaking up and you’re not making this up … but if you can’t bring yourself to talk to your friends or family about it; may I suggest you do get along to your doctor; much more confidential and they can also prescribe alternative options for you as well.

Please stay with us and get back to us with how you’re going;

Neil

Chris_B · ‎02-12-2013

Hi Andrew,

Thanks for joining the forums, and well done for speaking up. This is a good first step, but for things to change - and they can - you need to take that next step of seeing your doctor, telling your family, and telling your friends what's going on for you. There's multiple stresses in your life, and having thoughts of suicide are very serious - especially that you've been having them for 2 years.

For your physical health issues alone, it would be good to see your GP. Your lack of eating and the alcohol will be making your depression worse as well.

Stephen's advice is good, to take one step at a time with each of the issues you're dealing with. Health is most important - can you make an appointment to see your doctor this week? You can print out this post and take it with you if you like - it will give your doctor a good summary of the stresses you're currently under.

Have a look at this website for advice on managing debt and debt collectors: https://www.moneysmart.gov.au/managing-your-money/managing-debts (please copy and paste the link)

Please also consider giving the beyondblue support line a call on 1300 22 4636 or web chat (link at the top right of the page) to speak to a professional counsellor as well as posting in here.

Hope you'll come back to us soon.

best
CB

____________________________________________
Online Community Manager

geoff · ‎03-12-2013

dear Andrew, welcome aboard.

There never seems to be any justice in the world today, and just because your gay doesn't mean that you should be picked on or bullied, your just there to do your work, but people seem to be delighted in teasing people about their sexuality, and all this does is it creates a barrier between yourself and the others, so depression suddenly appears.

You could probably take this matter to a higher level because you are being bullied, and of course this affects your own livelihood, and in your case this means not eating, and this is not uncommon. Geoff.

MaryG · ‎03-12-2013

Hey Andrew,

it's great that you have posted. A lot of people here have found it incredibly difficult to seek help and you have taken an important step. Your problems are real and your depression is real and it will not be dismissed by people here. A GP should not dismiss you either and will help you get the help you need. Maybe try the help line on this site first or the web chat to help you get used to saying things out loud and to see that there is help available. Too much alcohol and not enough food...not a great combination and one I know only too well. I know alcohol is not the answer to depression and I hope you will see that too in your own time.

Please continue to post here, just writing out your thoughts and knowing someone else is listening will give you some clarity to the chaos in your head I hope.

Take care. Mary

Suzbj · ‎03-12-2013

Hi Andrew,

I hope you log back on and see the replies to your email. The above responses have really offered some great advise!. Andrew, you are not a burden on society! And no, I don't need to know you to know that that is a fact. I get where you are coming from. I felt that I was a burden on society for a number of years on a daily basis and it took a near tragedy to wake me up to the fact that, I'm here. If I'm here, alive, breathing, I'm meant to be here. Without going into detail it was a huge epiphany that literally saved my life. It goes something like this, but these words don't quite describe it well enough:

Have you noticed how people fuss over new born babies? Every new born baby is a miracle and perfect just as they are. And we all know instinctively that no human being is perfect and no human being is expected to be. And yet each and every baby is perfect. Created just as they were meant to be. I don't know if that makes sense - it does to me. You too were that perfect baby and you are now 31 years down the track! You are here because you are meant to be and you are as important as any other person on the planet.

My first thoughts were that maybe you are not living in the right place as has already been mentioned. I actually moved state to find my sense of self and have never looked back from that choice 5 years later. I know some regional places can be harsh and very black and white. The fault is not you, it is narrow-mindedness. The hardest part is learning that the problem is not YOU when people put you down. It is always a lack in that person who needs to put others down to feel good about themselves. You mentioned being 'gay living in a regional town'. Is being gay an issue in the town you live? Do your friends and family know you are gay? Do you have support? You do know, it is perfectly okay to be gay? I hope you are feeling good in your skin about being gay. I'm straight and I have been fortunate to call many gay people friends. Take care - lots of well wishes - Suzie - PS: You are not alone!!! 🙂 xx

MaryG · ‎05-12-2013

I love your response to this Suzy. I had never thought of that before, but you are so right about babies. They are the most precious thing in the world. What changes? Why are we as adults not precious and unique and wonderful any more? Maybe we are but we just have trouble seeing it.