A Complicated Suicide

[Bridge]

My name is Bridge, I have suffered from depression and anxiety from about the age of 12, culminating in a big breakdown at 29.

At 29, homeless, jobless and bedraggled, I finally got help, literally hours I thought about ending my life, which I aborted at the last minute as I just wondered if (perhaps?!) I really was suffering from depression.  I decided that I should go and ask, just in case, as if I wasn't the other option would always be available. Many thanks to the teachers who taught me logical thinking skills. And many thanks also to the enlightened GP who saw me, without an appointment, having never met me before, (and after I had spat on his waiting room carpet). They saved my life that day.

and while I'm at it, thanks also to my dad, who took me in and let me sleep under the table in the living room for a while, where I felt safe.

That day marked the start of the rest of my life.  The great rebuild.  It has taken years, and I am so proud of myself for what I have achieved. 15 years on, I have a full time job I love, a partner I (usually) adore, an investment house that provides some security, and my relationships are stronger and healther.  I live up in the bush now, just outside Melbourne, and I am free here. I love it.  I can help other people now.  I can give back.  Its fantastic.

so, where ia the suicide and whats so complicated, I hear you wondering?

I had a friend.  I met her at school when I was 6.  we were best friends.  We ended up at different schools, but always kept in touch. spasmodically at times, through the years.  Knowing her kept me going at school when I felt no affinity to anyone, when I was the only odd person and no one else made sense.  That continued through my 20s as well.  She continued to make more sense, even after a long absence, than pretty much anyone else.

In my late twenties, my friend met her future wife, (who I will call X) and moved in with her (yeah, we're all lesbians here). I went overseas for a year, and came home a wreck.  Backpacking was great: as no one knew me, it was easier to hide my ever deepening depression.  It came to light shortly after my return (and almost suicide) that I was in trouble, and I told my friend about it.  Over the next few months, I got very mixed messages from them both.  I would be invited to visit, and then asked to leave.  Her partner was really rude to me on more than one occasion.  Eventually I stopped going around, and they never came to visit.  I was angry, baffled and very very hurt.  But I had enough to deal with, I was fighting something that was way bigger than them.  So I put the hurt and confusion into a box in the back of my mind, taped down the lid, and walked away from it.  There seemed nothing I could do, so I just got on with life.  And I did.

roll on 14 years, and I get an email, out of the blue,  from my friend.  She tells me that the reason that she removed me from their lives was at her partners request, as her partner was scared by my depression and felt sure that it would end in my death and she didn't want that for herself or my friend.  She then went on to say that her partner had  since taken her own life, leaving her with 2 primary aged children. 

Wham.

Since then I have caught up with my friend twice.  I haven't met her kids yet.  It is good to see her, and weirdly, we kind of just pick up where we left off, as we always have.  It is really great to have her around  in the soup of life again.  Its going to take a long time to catch up, and to readjust, and I'm angry sometimes that I need to at all.  But then I remind myself to make the best of what you have.  so im looking forwards to the future.

But X.  I haven't grieved like this, ever, I think.  And its so confusing.  Im crying as I type this.  I cant seem to make headway.  Im obsessively thinking about the whole situation , over and over.  I daydream about what I could have done, that day she died, if id just run into her.  (would I have recognised her anyway?  its been 14 years and I didn't know her that well to start with. insane stuff).  I get angry with her and find myself talking to her (and shouting at her) when theres no one to hear me.  "You should have recognised this! You know this would have passed!  You've done this before!!". I trawl the internet looking for pictures of her, write ups about her, obituaries. She didn't even like me!  She was horrible to me!  Why on EARTH am I so upset??? 

so that's my current struggle.

and it will pass. 

eventually.

I actually feel better having written it and read it back.  Im going to post it on a forum, which is something I've never done before (I usually just save things onto the hard drive and avoid them in future).

so well see how that goes.

Thank you for reading this far.  I feel better already.

Bridge

[White_Rose]

Hello Bridge

How are you going?  Haven't heard from you for a couple of days so I'm writing a quick post to say Hi.

Would love to know what's happening in your life.

White Rose

[Bridge]

hello neil and white rose

thanks for your replies.

yep bless them in abundance is for my friends who found ways to support me, even in part, which I'm eternally grateful for.

neil- sorry to hear about your muscles.  go physio go!  It is SUCH a pain waiting for things to heal.  how are you feeling other than that?  Im hoping ..

Rose- im feeling heaps better, which is just as well:

 I put my dad into care last week, hes only 71 but has dementia.  Hes been living with us since before christmas, but it was getting really difficult.  My deal with myself and partner was that I would do it until i started getting depression symptoms, and when they arrived, stop.  And thats exactly what happened. Im glad I followed my plan, and Im glad (and proud) that Ive managed to do what i set out to do, which was keep dad out of care for as long as i could, without going down the tube myself.  Im sad it wasnt longer.

but im glad i found a way through the suicide things a little because the combination of those 2 events together is a bit scary!

Im still upset and angry about X, but I'm not obsessed by it as much as i was, which i think is definately a good thing.  It helped a lot to write it down, but it also helped to know others had read it and understood.  

aged care- well, we will wait and see.  Im not so sure about it, but dad surprised me by joining a gentle exercise group there (almost as unexpected as neil taking up lacemaking i suspect)

Its great being on here, its given me a really good chance to reflect on how big an effect this illness has had on my life (and no doubt will again).  I realise there is a lot i would like to do on a community level to try and help reduce the stigma of mental illness, just not sure how to do it yet.

If you can think of a way to help let me know!

thanks you both for your time and energy

OXOX

Bridge

[White_Rose]

Dear Bridge

So pleased that you are feeling more comfortable.  Also sad for you re your father.  It's not something I have needed to do but I know so many others who have gone through that particular scenario and it is so distressing.  On a more positive note though, you have recognised the necessity both for yourself and your father.  As you say this has a huge impact on you.  And at the risk of sounding trite, you do need to think of yourself and your self-care.  

How is your suggestion going with BB about a mental health day at work?  It sounds such a great idea and so positive.  It has made me wonder if I can do something of this nature.  The idea does scare me a little so I will need to really think it through.

I've had a few down days in the past week (who hasn't?) but I am back to feeling well.  I think I am begining to let go of some of my hurts and it is such a load I have been carrying.  I feel a bit like the weather.  It's been hot and humid here (Qld) and now we are into autumn with warm days, cool nights and no great humidity.  The sort of weather that makes me want to dance and sing (but only when no one is looking). 

Lovely to hear from you Bridge.

White Rose

[Bridge]

Hi White Rose

Isnt autumn wonderful! its my favorite time of the year.  The vines around here are just starting to turn yellow and there are mists over the hills on the way to work each morning.  Its really beautiful.

im glad you are having more good days.

(very glad).

its such a relief when you prod an old hurt, and its not as painful as it was last time you prodded it. and it gets less, and less.  and you get a bit lighter. helleilujah.

I wrote to BB a while back and they sent an email asking if we could accommodate the BB bus which does a road trip around australia (maybe each year?) but seems to be not coming to vic until next march- i wrote to them explaining what my work place does (its a community venue), and what it could provide but i havent heard back from them.

however my works COM were muttering about mental health week in october, and the main mutterer is someone who i get along with well, so i think i will chase her up and have a talk about possibilities...  I have no idea what will come out of it, but my thinking is anything is better than nothing.  I dont mind what really, just something to get people talking and thinking. and understanding a bit more.

My workplace is quite unusual in a lot of ways....it has the capacity to do something really great, the staff there are pretty on board with stuff like this anyway, usually.

Ill keep you posted!

enjoy the weather

bridge