World Trip ended up with partner relapsing in depression. This time I lose hope

[lostnotlost84]

I have been together with my boyfriend now for over 6 years, from which the first 3 years were just incredibly amazing. It was not perfect but I was profoundly happy with him. The first man in my life I could see a lifelong future with.
We moved overseas together, then back to Australia 3 years ago. And that’s when it all started to happen. His and my work struggles ended in him being depressed and seeking therapy after me talking him into it. He got better. Only now, I realized that I was never included in his healing process. In his head (and in mine) everything circled around him. I didn’t see the implications of his behaviours whenever I tried to talk about his therapy he became uncomfortable and annoyed with me. Whenever I used the word "depression" he tensed up and acted like I would blame him. I was never able or allowed to reflect on the impact of the depression on us. So I stopped talking about it and bottled it up in myself.
Despite all things and unspoken problems, we departed on a year long trip in our car. One year across Central Asia. Just the two of us. 24/7. Of course it didn't help but only amplified everything. He tried to leave it all behind, I tried to work through it. Complete opposite approaches lead inevitably to fights. And we fought a lot. I cried a lot. The more I tried to reach out, the more he withdrew. Later he said that I "pushed him too far". I ruined the trip for him thanks to us fighting. He withdrew from me, saying there was no love or hope for us anymore. However, despite all this he still didn't agree to end it earlier as planned. He settled in a friendzone routine where we did everything together just with no intimacy. I wasn't allowed to talk about us otherwise he shut me down for the rest of the day. I kept on waiting for him to get more clarity of what he wants
Like me, he is lost too but has no ability to look at it through the lens of the bigger picture of life. He kept on apologizing for "everything": the way he is, that he can't do better for us, for me. Again, a blame implemented thought process that does not lead to any good.
He appears at times so carefree like nothing is up that I start doubting myself! It must be a coping mechanism but for how long can you keep that up? I am so at lost..and then not. I wonder if his depression remained after his therapy unrecognized in our relationship or if the trip triggered it again and that he is right. There is no hope, I screwed it up (unintentionally)

[lostnotlost84]

It is so very daunting, indeed! Especially because of all the things of life we have shared: all friend groups, his family basically adopted me, we have a dog, shared bank accounts, shared household/ furniture and just everything else related. We shared everything, which was a very bonding and incredible experience but now, it makes it incredibly difficult. I know that I have to start somewhere, so I try not to think about it too much... as you already observed much earlier, I am an overthinker.
I do have a friend or two where I could stay, so that helps. Next big step is work. I already applied for a couple of roles but tend to lose faith in myself and my abilities during that process. (This is a different problem by its own though).
I read somewhere here that relationships can be the trigger for depression. Alone the though terrifies me because how do I know that I didn't do that. Love can also damage a lot... maybe I tried to hard. In fact, I know that I did.
I really like your suggestion about what to tell people if they ask me about him. A simple I don't know/ don't want to talk about it should do the trick for the first bit of time. I did overthink this too much and completely oversaw such a straight forward approach.
This is such a huge learning curve for me.. my overthinking leads me into assumptions and rushed actions that can be avoided by the step by step approach. I struggle to stop myself to think ahead or too much behind (in time).

Yesterday, I told him that I am going to give him some time without me messaging or calling him. I do feel like a burden when I do so. I did wanted him to know though that I am always happy to receive messages from him and that I'm there for him. He acknowledged all of this with an "OK"...

I now try to keep this principle in mind: If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours.

I am very scared that he's not coming back but I have no choice but to let him free. This is one of my last true acts of love for him I can do.

[Croix]

Dear Lostnotlost84~

Yes overthinking can be a pain and at times make one act more quickly than otherwise, however I don't think it is something htat can't be managed, I'm the same.

You tend to blame yourself, and lose confidence.

OK, maybe but all these are pretty minor, no matter what you think. The major things are you love (which can be a drawback true), you have courage (read your last paragraph) and you have independence, which might sound funny under the circumstances. It is hte independance ot set him free and see what happens

[lostnotlost84]

Hi there,

I just wanted to give a quick update of what happened since I wrote here last. I returned to Australia and felt torn apart, left in the dark by his behaviours. As expected he was not able to become more clear of what's going on and what might need to happen to get out of this hole.

He left me in a limbo where I had nothing to say or do. It was unbearable. So I pulled all my strength together and asked him to please take a stand on how he sees things. It turned out that he is convinced that he has no depression whatsoever and that he lost any hope for a common future. It was not was I was hoping to hear but it was the clarification that I needed. We are now officially separated. I honestly questioned myself, can I be that far off my understanding that he relapsed into depression? Did I seriously manipulated myself into this belief so I don't need to face the truth that our relationship is over?! I know that the mind is a powerful thing but I always thought of myself as a mindful being... how terribly wrong could I be?

His view is so different from mine on things that made me doubt so much about myself and my views.

It is all very devastating and we are both sad but given the way he feels I have no space his life to support him. Especially if he thinks that I am the opposite. Thanks for your insights Croix, I hoped to be there for him like your wife was there for you. But I had no choice and am now forced to start a new life on my own.

[Croix]

Dear Notlost84 (Yes, that's what it should be)

I think your conduct throughout this whole sorry business has been admirable. You show love, concern and consideration and tried to deal with the idea depression as best anyone could. You then had the strength to winkle the truth out of someone who did not respect you enough to tell you the truth straight out - that it was over.

So I'm sad for you that this chapter in your life did not work out, however with so much to offer in a partnership I'm sure you will find someone more suitable - or they will find you.

As for if you convinced yourself of this or that - you are overthinking. From what you said it is perfectly reasonable to have taken depression into account. It manifests itself in the ways you describe and sadly can return to those that have experienced it before.

Can I suggest you make an extra effort to live a full - particularly social - life now. I suspect it would be very easy to retire and seek not to be hurt, maybe even feeling unworthy. Simply not the case and you need to interact with others to confirm that in your mind.

You are always welcome here

Croix

[Swirlyshirley]

Hello Lostnotlost84

I hope you don't mind me chiming in with my two cents.

I have been on both sides of the coin regarding your situation. My own mental health problems have resulted in me separating from partner of 20 years for a time. Once I got some treatment and felt better I realised that my poor state of mind was clouding my judgement and making me act in ways that were hurtful and unfounded. We are back together and happily struggling on.

I was also previously in a relationship for five years that ended in a very similar way to yours. It took me a very long time to realise that you can't make someone get help if they don't want to. Nor do people want to hear that they have a problem if they are in denial. It only makes them pull away even further.

What I'm trying (probably badly) to say is that you are entitled to be happy and live a full and rich life. Try not to beat yourself up about things you "should have" or "could have" done and instead try to look to the future. I think getting some counseling is paramount to this and will help you navigate your way through the extreme pain you are probably feeling right now.

Who knows what the future holds for you and your partner but focussing on your own health and happiness now will mean that you are better equipped - regardless of the outcome.

Be kind to yourself. You sound like an awesome person 🙂