Hi Mark
What do I know now that would have saved me a lot of pain?
Well, my situation back then was somewhat different to yours. My wife controlled me by having affairs. I was so terrified of losing my children that I was an easy target for emotional abuse. This situation carried on for several years until I snapped. I won't repeat here the cruelties I endured but one night the abuse went a step too far and i shot through. No violence, no arguing I just turned and walked out. I slept in a $15 a night doss house for the next 3 months. At last I was at the stage you are now. Here is what I should have done when the abuse started.
1. Call her bluff. You change your behaviour or the marriage is ending. No second chances. You have to mean it.
2. Don't waste time on her excuses and maybe this, maybe that, I don't know what I want, I'm confused etc etc. Leave the house if she will not leave. Rent a small flat, keep an itemised account of your spending that is going on things like rent because that will be taken into account at the property settlement. Go and see an experienced family law solicitor. The first visit is usually free. Do not engage a solicitor who you feel is not a good fit. Choose carefully.
3. Your wife may try to tempt you back and see and talk to you. If she has been that controlling for all these years, she will likely see your independent action as mutiny. It is vital that you do not buckle.
4. If all goes well, you can be divorced and living a new life in less than eighteen months.
The important point here Mark, is you have to take charge. Your wife will hate it. I bet you are still useful to your wife in some way. She has the boyfriend and you probably make a contribution (house work, pet minding, washing cars etc) in an area that she finds convenient. This suits her as it suited my ex wife. If you don't stand up and start looking after your own interests, your life will never change.
I'm not pretending it will be easy. Doubts, sadness and despondency will still dog you for a while but as you slowly regain control of your life, the negative emotions will subside.
Again, I repeat. As soon as this lock down situation is resolved get yourself to a solicitor and take action.
