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Wife wants to be alone

JMB1970
Community Member
My wife of 14 years has told me she wants to be alone. There is no reason she can give me. She said she has felt this way for many months. I had no idea and am shattered. She says she still loves me and always will but the spark has gone. She had said she is in a deep dark hole and emotionally shot. She tells me she needs help professionally but will not take the steps to get it. I just want to help her. I want my old wife back. I feel my life is pointless without her. All the plans hopes and dreams are crumbling. I have never felt this sad and low. I have a knot in the chest. I feel so empty. I don't know what to do. I don't know if i want to live without her. It all seems too hard. I can't stop crying. She is my everything
8 Replies 8

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello JMB, it must be terrible news to hear from your wife, but she must be in a deep black hole and probably doesn't know what to do, that's understandable because if this is her first time, feeling this way it's very frightening and confused on where to start.
When people have depression they aren't too sure how they feel only that it's a feeling of being very low in spirits and has probably when creeping up on her for some time, not realising that it's slowly been going on with her, until now and the crunch time has finally hit her, it's never a pleasant when this happens.
Whether she's scared to get the help she needs or perhaps she doesn't know what to do, this is where you can help her, click onto 'Get Support' and scroll down until you see 'Publications to download or order' this is a booklet provided by BB on all types of depression, it's not going to automatically make her feel better, but it's an insight into this illness and very informative, that's a start.
Ask her if she wants you to go or at least book an appointment with her doctor, she may say no, never the less you can still book it and if need be cancel it, but she may change her mind at the last minute, that you won't know about until it's time to go.
This is her place she needs to go to, other than any g/friends, these are her support group whenever she breaks down she may need to talk with them and don't worry if she excludes you, that's part of their depression.
Try not to keep asking her questions about how she feels, because if you do then she will definitely go to be by herself if however she starts talking let her have the floor, and you can join in, but don't take over.
Please keep in touch because it concerns us. Geoff.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi JMB, just wondering how it's going. Geoff.

JMB1970
Community Member

We have been trying. Or at least I have. We went away together over Christmas. There have been some bad days but I thought mostly good. But now it has all crashed down around me. My beautiful wife says nothing has changed. She does love me and cares but needs to find herself.... alone.

I can't sleep. I don' know how I go forward from this. All my hopes and dreams. I cry every day. I ache. She was the one I grew old with I miss her but she still here atm. It' so hard. I fear living without her... not alone... without her. I've tried so hard. I' feel like im done. Love not supposed to hurt like this

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
Hi JMB, thanks for responding to my last comment.

There are so many definitions for what love means, it can change over many years together or it can change within a minute or even a second, we don't know and we can't predict if or when it may happen.

She does love you, which is good, but at the moment she needs to find herself because she is stuck in this black hole, as you have said, so I'm really sorry for the two of you.

What you need to do for yourself is to get help, how you feel is very sad, I'm been through it many times myself when my wife kept on leaving me, but it did us the world of good.

If you want to grow old with her you need to give her the space she needs and hopefully she will want you back later on.

Unfortunately it's short term pain but with a long term gain and will make a healthier couple later on. Geoff.

JMB1970
Community Member
Life has just gotten the worst I have ever felt. I knew something had happened. She went away to a funeral on the weekend. When she got home I had this feeling. After continued questions she owned up. She slept with someone else. She was drunk apparently. She says it tears her up to see what she has done to me. She has apologised. However she can sleep... I can't. My emotions are raging between despair sorrow and anger. Why???!!!!

Hi JMB1970,

I'm really sorry to read your story. I am wondering if yo have been to have any counselling yourself about what is happening in your marriage. Have you tried phoning Relationships Australia, the Mensline or Beyondblue support group on 1300 22 4636.

I know it isn't always easy to talk to someone on the phone, but on the other hand it may be beneficial for you.

I don't really know what to suggest. It sounds like you love your wife so much it is destroying you. Are there things that you can do for yourself, by yourself to help build yourself up?

This isn't what you want right now, but it may help you. I know you want your wife, I am not sure if she is there for you right now.

Would it help you to write out more about how you are feeling and to consider ways to help yourself through this.

Writing things out either here on the forum or in a note book helps me. Gets it out of my head.

Regards from Dools

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
Hi JMB, I'm really sorry to hear about this, and if you were my brother then what I would be saying, as hard as it may be, that it's only going to continue until she gets help.

The alcohol is what makes her not care whether she sleeps with someone else, it's the key for her, so she has to decide whether or not she wants to stop drinking because that's her main prerequisite.

With help, she can overcome this, but what she needs to do is to guarantee her trust, to build it up again, because if this doesn't happen then I'm sorry but you have to make a decision.

Love can only be stretched so much.

You could consider joint counselling but definitely see your GP by yourself would be a good idea.

I do feel so much for you.

All the Best.

Geoff.

JMB1970
Community Member

Been inetresting few weeks. We are still in same home. Some days better than others. Mywife's best friend has been in touch. She told me that my wife is struggling emotionally and mentally. But to understand how much she really does love me. Some days my wife just wants to be alone.. do her own thing. I'm trying to put the incident out of my head but it creeps up sometimes. I do love her so much. She hates what she had done tob me and even said "after everything I have put you through, everything.. you still love me and want me. You love me that much". And i do. Her friend even got told that "doing everything I can to save marriage". I love her so much.. we have agreed to go overseas together. She tells me every night that I am the love of her life and she truely does love me. In time we can make it through this. I got to believe that