Wife had an affair, didnt appreciate how i reacted, is now leaving me, I'm worried about the kids

[Macka1978]

My wife started having an affair with a co-worker in mid 2022, I discovered details of it in November 2023, but she denied it, said I was paranoid, and that there was just some guy at work who didnt understand boundaries (I discovered snap chat messages from him while borrowing her phone).

In February 2024 it became apparent that there was more to it and she continued to see him/contact him (daily phone calls to him as visible on our joint mobile bill), and my then 5 year old daughter telling me that my wife had taken her on playdates with he and his kids, including at his house.

She continued to deny there was an affair, but blamed me for the fact that she'd made a connection with someone at work, as I hadnt helped out enough with our second child, and that she felt she had outgrown me. However, she threatened to leave me then and there and said I could have the kids and the house as she didnt care anymore.  She has a temper and can often say inflammatory things and then pretend she never said it, so I let it slide, and things became relatively stable. Eventually I stopped looking at our phone logs after she promised she wouldnt see him or call him anymore.

Fast forward to February 2025 and I discovered a love letter from him to her in dated from October 2023 speaking about their then 18 month relationship; it was very detailed speaking about them being lovers, soul mates and looking forward to their future together. Heartbroken and full of doubt,  I checked the phone logs for the first time in a long time and saw that they were again talking.

I confronted her and said that we were finished, and she said that while there had been an affair, it had ended when i discovered the phone logs the previous year, and that she was in contact with him as they were still close friends.

All this time, I had chosen to believe her against my gut, as i dont want my kids living in a broken family. I realise how short-minded and gutless this approach was, but I remained hopeful that somewhere in there was the woman I married, and that she would see value in me again.

Over the last20 or so months she has formed the view that I am controlling and paranoid (maybe I am, I dont know anymore), because when she goes out or is working late I'll ask her what time she expects to be home, and now she wants to leave me.  I still dont want to lose her, and break up this family, but I realise its out of my hands, probably unavoidable and likely for the best.  I am still extremely sad about what this will mean for our two kids (7 and 5), and the effect this will have on my ability to be a supportive, emotionally helpful and useful dad to them.

My mother in law knows what happened and pleads with me not to leave her daughter over this, but I'm not the one leaving, she is. Even now, if i could see genuine remorse in her and the ability to be accountable for her actions, and to improve herself I would take her back. But it seems its just not in her.

I am so sad about what the future holds for the kids (and myself), and genuinely worried about the sort of woman I'm going to be co-parenting them with. She has constantly disappointed me in so many important ways that I have lost faith in her ability to put others above her own needs, including our kids.

How do I prepare myself for this? The kids are super sensitive (especially my daughter) and they can tell something is up.

[randomxx]

So sorry to hear of all this op. But yaknow,, in the title- she didn't appreciate blah blah well, and now she's leaving bc of how you reacted-, comeon . Ofc she didn't how would she react tables turned, l could tell you how by the sounds of her personality but sadly you already know. Just idiot deflection on her part my friend turn the tables and blame you for what she's done, pls stop blaming yourself ofc this is all your fault but it isn't, it's hers.

At the same time l fully appreciate you caring so much for your kids that your willing to stay , or might be , it's a horrible situation to be in for them and for you l know , unfortunately she doesn't even realize that.

But sorry to say for me, l just don't see how you can stay, she's not remorseful and l wouldn't trust any pretense or that things have ended or stay ended with him.

As heartbreaking as it is, if were me l'd start planning a way of working things out for your kids and you . Some couples go on to even still live under the same roof just separately, l dunno, we talked about that back when too but l couldn't do it butttt, some couples could work it that way for the kids l guess.  But sorry to say one way or other imo you need to leave her , even if just to the other end of the house.

Very sorry for it all op.

rx

[Macka1978]

I know.  I've asked her a couple of times how she would react if I'd done the same to her, and she replies that she would have left, and that I should have done the same.

And I know logically that she's leaving me because she doesnt want to be with me, and that this is just the conclusion to the decision she made back in 2022 when she first began the affair.  Thats its not about me, or at least that its more about her than me.

Its just hard to accept that I've lost to another man the woman I was committed to spending the rest of my life with, and that neither I nor the kids was reason enough to keep true to our marriage vowels.

As a young man i had my fun, but once we got married I was committed to our partnership, and then that x100 once we had kids. I've defined myself as a husband and father, and I dont know how to remove the husband part from that.

I am also dreading not seeing the kids for two weeks a month (if I'm lucky), and how they'll handle all of this.

I am worried I'm not strong enough to step up and do what i have to do as a dad, because I'll be feeling sorry of myself.

[randomxx]

So sorry op , hopefully others will come along here more help than l would like to add. Gone are the days of that ridiculous dad never seeing his own kids thing, it's 50 50 in Aus now. Matter of fact bc she was the one ruined the marriage you could actually get full custody. l know all this is so painful and impossible to even think about at this stage for you and l'm sorry to talk about such things but just thought l better point hat stuff out as a lot of dads still think she gets everything and they won't even be able to see their kids. But nope, no way known , old old days thank the Gods we've come a long way since those.

l joined some forums specifically about all this stuff back when. As sickening as it was it did help me through and everyone supported and helped ea other, might be an idea, starting point to help you too.

There's also ph help you can call too and plus beyond blue's also.

[Guest_17601769]

hi, im really sorry to hear what you're going through, it sounds incredibly difficult. I do think you need to leave her, for your kids sake. otherwise they will be living in a household where something is off, they'll sense it, things are heavy. if you divorce it'll be a mess, I think theres no skipping that part. my parents divorced when I was 2. and it was messy, as a kid I was being told different things from each parent, some nasty, and a lot of one sided views. this just left me feeling confused and angry. the one good thing both parents did was they made sure they had time for me, and I always felt very loved by both of them, even if they were angry or stressed. I think the best thing you can do after the divorce is go to therapy, let a therapist hold your hand throughout it, if my dad had done that his entire life would be different. make sure you communicate with your kids properly, take them out and have fun with them, make sure they feel that you're there for them. most importantly tell them the truth, she cheated, you tried to make it work, she continued to keep the same guy in her life, your trust is too broken. keep it simple, and hold back the bitching, dont make them feel like their mother is a terrible person (could do that by saying that these things happen and doesn't make their mother a bad person, its just not meant to be and thats ok). One huge thing that would have helped me with my parents divorce is to be asked if there was anything the other parent has said about the other parent or the divorce that made me feel upset or confused. that would have skipped a whole lot of resentment that I had building inside when I was a kid. its also your right to know what's being said about you, dont let your kids blindly believe things that aren't true or are being skewed to favour one parent over the other

[Summer Rose]

Hi Macka1978

I’m really sorry that you find yourself in such a challenging situation, particularly as it is not of your making.

Please don’t buy into the notion that your wife’s affair is somehow your fault. If your wife was dissatisfied in your marriage after the birth of your second child, she had plenty of options for dealing with this other than an affair. I think the affair and the lies tells you all you need to know about your wife’s character—she is showing you who she is and you can’t ignore that. That’s on her, not you.

It’s okay to be hurt and feel sorry for yourself and your kids. I expect you will experience a range of emotions over time.
But, at the same time, you need to function and process those feelings. I highly recommend seeing a counsellor to help you work through your emotions now and throughout the process to come.

I also recommend getting legal advice on your rights. You don’t have to necessarily engage a lawyer now (it will be expensive), but I believe you will find you will have more access to your children than you think and this could ease your anxiety and give you back some sense of control over the next steps. Relationships Australia is a great resource and you may want to explore their services and then make contact.  
Please post any time, our community will do its best to support you.

Kind thoughts to you