Wife had an affair but I still love her

[Lanson]

Hey guys,
Just wanted to see if anyone has experienced infidelity during their marriage and decide to stay with their wife. I caught my wife cheating six weeks ago and I still love her but I'm struggling to move forward as I still have images in my head of her and her lover. She developed an emotional and physical connection with him and it destroys me just thinking about it. She admitted that she loved him and that he was her best friend. But she also questioned herself if she knows the meaning of love.

We've been married for nine years and have two kids. She has ended her affair and has committed to work on our marriage. She says she loves me more than ever and is being very affectionate and loving towards me.

One day I feel ok, the next I feel depressed. I'm seeing counseling and it's helping a bit but I feel like I need to talk to someone who's experienced this to help me get through it. How do I stop these toxic images and thoughts and get back to normality? Or am I being dishonest to myself and making myself suffer depression?

Any help is much appreciated.

[Ishtar]

Dear Lanson,

You ask about others experience of infidelity in marriage, how to cope & what to do, to both quell your mood swings and the gnawing questioning of your wife and marriage.

Agree with Pipsy that what is most important is the HOW & WHY rather than the WHAT & WHERE of her affair. Knowing the gorey details of your partner's affair can bring all sorts of unnecessary heartache. Though, it's normal because you're just trying to make sense of what's happened.

However, it's more constructive to talk about what was going on for her (and you!) at the time it started and her understanding of how/why it happened, which will also help you make sense of it, and enable both of you to start again.

Your first marriage with each other is over. However, if you are both committed, you can start working on your second marriage WITH EACH OTHER! Re-focus on what you both now need & want for and from each other to stay together and be happy.

Take this crisis as an opportunity for both of you to understand each other more and change the things that led to her affair.

Be guided by what your wife DOES (BEHAVIOUR) as that is the most accurate indicator of her true thoughts and feelings.

A betrayal like this takes time to recover from and each person is different. Allow yourself to feel and process the disbelief, sadness, anger. It's OK to feel up and down. You have to go through it to come out the other side. But, at some stage you have to let go of what was and focus on what can be.

Hope this helps!

Ishtar!

[Bettina61]

Thanks for that post as it has helped me too. I, too, am going through what Lawson went through. My husband cheated on me for 3 years after nearly 30 years of marriage. By the way, why are all these posts so old?? I can’t find any recent ones to read and respond to.

[AlbertS]

I too have been going through this, its been over a year now, i stayed for the kids, i am lonely, i have not forgiven my wife and it still feels like yesterday i found out. I asked her to write me an apology, she didnt, i asked her to write me a love note, she didnt, i asked her to apologise to the kids who helped me through my hell, she hasnt. I know that once she does all these things it will become real for her and i know she just wants to bury it, but why should it be about her? I am still in pain, i have lost my best friend, my pride is destroyed, my zest for living a full life is gone, i have become a hermit, i hate it here and cant fathom the betrayl still today. I made a mistake staying for my kids, i know that sounds terrible but my unhapiness is ruining all our lives. She has never truly come clean and probably never will, im sorry but my advice is to leave her and find hapiness, too much pain is too much if it isnt getting healed fromthe one that betrayed you. If she really loves you, she will do anything to make it better, for you i hope it happens.

[geoff]

Hi Bettina60 and Scwatzen, welcome to both of you.

Before I begin, if you click on 'Relationships' there will be many posts by different people stating that they too have been cheated on.

Sometimes there is a chance to rekindle a marriage/relationship after you have been cheated on, but only rarely does this happen, simply because you can never be sure whether or not they are telling you the truth, especially when you keep asking why this has happened.

So much can be hidden away so the trust and the loyalty, not only for yourself but also the children have been destroyed while they just put their own needs first.

Instincts develop and questions will be asked but not answered and I'm not sure you want to know the details as this will only compound the situation and perhaps that's why marriages/r/ships find it difficult to survive.

Counselling is certainly an option and perhaps moving away from the area.

This is disappointing not only for you but upsetting for the kids.

Browse through the relationship threads and hope to see you there, as there have been comments posted almost daily.

Geoff.