Why should I love myself when it’s clear nobody else does?

[FeelinSoBlue]

Lately I’ve been feeling great, over the past couple of weeks I’ve been working with peer support workers from a mental health organisation and finally feel like getting myself back out in the world. But with that, I am single and looking to find somebody in my life. I have been single for many years. I downloaded tinder yesterday and have spent money on gold profiles, super boosts, all that stuff. Swiped through hundreds and hundreds of profiles. No real matches to speak of. Either I’m being swiped no by 99% of the women out there, which makes me feel incredibly depressed, or the app is broken. It’s not just this that has me feeling down. It’s the fact that whenever I upload a photo to Facebook or post a comment. Nobody replies. It’s like I’m a ghost, a complete social lepar. And I know all this must seem so petty, but it really has me feeling the lowest of lows. It’s as if I’m of no interest or value to anyone’s life, women don’t find me attractive, I’m 29, single and lonely as hell. And all this makes me less inclined to go out and meet people when I feel like nobody is interested in knowing me. I just needed to vent this frustration and didn’t know who else to turn to out of sheer embarrassment.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

If we don’t change our own spare wheel then we can’t proceed driving.

Those of us that experience any form of depression know that, as desperate as we are for live and support, we ourselves have to rise from our beds to return to normality, us, we have to physically get there.

So most of us here can connect with your struggle to find value in others when you don’t seem valued or admired or liked as a potential partner.

What is the answer? It all has to do with determination, motivation and belief...belief? Yes, the well known fact that there is someone for everyone- yes she is out there, you have to find her and to do that you cannot rush that process nor, I believe, that it doesn’t help paying for all the “bells and whistles” of a service. The basics is enough then play the dating game which does require patience and resilience.

So, if you don’t mind me mentioning, motivation, self belief and hope are the ingredients that can determine contentment.

To help you along this path Ieill list below some threads that will help you and help you fell more inclusive too in this community here. Use google

The first one is an ongoing thread that I often contribute to, run by “blondeguy” you will feel welcome

google

beyondblue do you like yourself your thought are welcome

then these to read- just read the first post of each

google

beyondblue the best praise you’ll ever get

beyondblue 30 minutes can change your life

beyondblue the frog and the scorpion

repost anytime

Thanks for posting here and being so open and honest

TonyWK

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hey there

I want to say well done on the great work you've been doing, and don't let these experiences detract from that. I'm a uni student and I've read lots of studies about how social media and dating apps are pretty bad for our self esteem. So please don't base how liked you are or how interesting you are, on either of these platforms. Besides, tinder is incredibly shallow! I can't for the life of me work out how I'm supposed to pick who I might like to have a relationship with based on a snapshot on my screen!

So I'd say - absolutely get yourself out there, and meet people in the real world. It's where real conversations, real vibes, and real connections happen.

Kind thoughts, Katy

[FeelinSoBlue]

Thank you, I definitely feel understood here and couldn’t agree more about real connections happening in the real world. You’ve both given me a lot to think about thank you!

[Deckt]

Hey man,

I hear your pain. Trust me when I say that I know that Tinder is not a barometer for how valuable you are. Nor is Facebook. Social media is a simulacrum of reality.

Again, from experience, people tend to be more attracted (for long-term relationships and friendships) to people with common interests and kind hearts than they are to a pretty face or big muscles.

Can I unpack your comment a little about "no real matches to speak of"? Does that mean that you matched, but then couldn't start a conversation? If that's the case, I'm more than happy to offer my coaching services. 🙂 Sense of humour gets you much further than good selfies.

It does get better, my friend. But there are also other options. Instead of signing up for gold membership, go to a Zumba class or other dance class. They are always bereft of men. But, you might say, my local class only has women in their mid-fifties? I have found this. Guess what? They have daughters, and work colleagues, and will refer a nice, friendly guy.

Be the best you that you can be, and you will be ready when the right person comes along. Which they certainly will.

[Annalex]

I know this feeling as I also spent a lot of time on Tinder looking for a friend and I really know that it can be frustrating when nobody answers. I think you should try other dating sites or perhaps let this idea go for a while, I`m sure all in good time and you will definitely find somebody!

[Toviah]

I know this feeling very well. I'm not bad looking or uneducated but the depressing reality(in my experience) seems to be that women are vastly more attracted to men who are happy and mentally together/healthy.