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Why is there a time limit on grief?

Dory09
Community Member

Hi everyone

not sure where to start! ok here goes

on the 5th of march my daughter was unwell, thinking she had really bad gastro I took her to our local hospital, they kept her in and later that night she had 3 seizures, we ended up being flown to RCH and told she had a clot and bleed on her brain, she was in a coma for 3 weeks then passed away on the 29th, she is now forever 8,

I miss her so much, life isn't the same now, then I lost my mum 4 days later,

i have a lot of why me days, I feel so alone, my husband is so angry with the world I feel like I can't talk to him as it only upsets him more, he has his brothers and friends to talk to, we don't talk to each other!

his mother keeps telling me I need to get anti depressants, I've spoken to my gp and I don't want them,

why can't I just be sad

I don't need to fix that with pills, let me miss her,

when does being sad and missing someone become depression?

Why is there a time limit on grief, I keep hearing oh it's been 3 months why are you still sad maybe you need to get some medication!

26 Replies 26

Hi Dory09,

I'm really sorry that you had that experience with the Doctor; it frustrates me because such a massive part of their job is being able to really listen and connect with their client and it sounds like that was the last thing he did.

Is the Doctor you're seeing next week your usual Doctor?

If anything - try again - try try again. For every 'bad' Doctor there is a great one who truly has your best interests at heart.

Also as for the medication - of course this is completely up to you. Ideally the Doctor should discuss this with you so you don't walk away feeling confused. Almost all types of mood medication will say 'may cause drowsiness' as a disclaimer, but not all medications necessarily will. I know many people who take medication with that same label and have no trouble driving. It really depends on how you react to that medication. If you decide to take it, you could try taking it on a weekend (or whenever you have leave or a day off) so you can try and see how you'll adjust - it's not ideal of course, but then if it is severe you'll have your answer. Another option is to see if you can take it at night; as that way by the time it's 'in your system' the risk of you being drowsy is significantly lower. A pharmacist can also help with this too.

moonstonerain
Community Member

Sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my Dad in October to lung cancer and not a day goes by that I don't miss him and wish he was still here. It was so sudden and I wasn't told how sick he actually was, as he kept it from me and my brother. Have a lot of unanswered questions and regrets, have found medication hasn't worked to deal with it either. As I have been depressed for many years before it happened.

As a mother myself to a 7 year old, I cannot begin to imagine what you're going through. I thought losing a parent was the worst thing ever, but losing a child would be devastating.

It would be wise for you to seek therapy to deal with your loss and see if they think it would benefit you to go on medication. I have found that people do not understand unless they have went through the same, so coming on here and talking to people who have may help you a bit. Really hope you can gain some help.

Ladyhawke
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Dory,

So sorry I've been "off the air" - I've had a nasty case of the flu.

I assume by now your regular GP is back, so I hope there's a bit of stability for you with him/her.

In my initial response to you, I wrote that I understood perfectly your not wanting to take ADs. I still do, however, after reading Geoff's post to you, I completely agree that the right antidepressant can smooth the sharp edges off pain. It doesn't remove the pain, but in my experience (and everyone's experience is unique), it has often made the unbearable, bearable. They might provide additional support for you as you try to get through this awful.

I hope you don't have to wait too long for the appointment with the grief counsellor.

Please remember that you are in all our thoughts. LH

Scott76
Community Member

Hi Dory,

I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling. I lost some family members last year but they had led long, full lives. I have children and if anything happened to them I would be beside myself.

i understand how you feel about medication. I am on medication myself but every time it is changed or added to it takes me days to take it because I worry about how it might change or effect me.

Your comment about just wanting to be sad makes total sense to me. Some days I just want to be sad about the deaths of my father, mother in law, and my good friend. Some times crying helps; I don't know if it releases endorphins or something but it just feels better.

hopefully finding a good counsellor or doctor will help. Sometimes they're just good to vent and cry and emote to. My first few appointments were just me in tears.

LC80
Community Member
Dory, There is no timeline on grief. I lost my only brother, I have no sisters, forty years ago last February in a drowning accident. Part of me died that day as well. Mr Dad passed away in my early twenties and Mum remarried a few years later. My relationship with her suffered because of her husband and his dislike for me. I have been grieving for my family and what we missed out on for most of my sixty years. Depression and anxiety have been life partners of mine. I have been under the care of a clinical psychologist a number of times. I don't think medication is a good thing, but talking things over with someone who cares can be a lifesaver. It saved me. I have sad days and due to some health problems I am not going to well at the moment, but better days may be just around the corner. We just need to get round it.

Peppermintbach
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Dory,

I'm very late to your thread but wanted to express my condolescences. I realise there are moments when words are just words; my words can't bring back your beloved daughter or mum. I know this and I'm very sorry for that.

I don't have any children but I have lost loved ones in my life before. Nevertheless, it's not the same as losing one's child; I can't even begin to imagine your grief. It must be absolutely shattering, devastating and overwhelming. And the loss of your mum on top...it's too much...heartbreaking...

I have no advice or words of wisdom to impart but just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you, and that I realise you're in a lot of pain.

As for a time limit on grief? I leave you with this famous quote that I hope gives some, however tiny, comfort.

Those who think there is a time limit on grieving have never lost a piece of their heart.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi Dory, I'd like to know how you are going but I'm concerned for you. Geoff. x