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Why is there a time limit on grief?

Dory09
Community Member

Hi everyone

not sure where to start! ok here goes

on the 5th of march my daughter was unwell, thinking she had really bad gastro I took her to our local hospital, they kept her in and later that night she had 3 seizures, we ended up being flown to RCH and told she had a clot and bleed on her brain, she was in a coma for 3 weeks then passed away on the 29th, she is now forever 8,

I miss her so much, life isn't the same now, then I lost my mum 4 days later,

i have a lot of why me days, I feel so alone, my husband is so angry with the world I feel like I can't talk to him as it only upsets him more, he has his brothers and friends to talk to, we don't talk to each other!

his mother keeps telling me I need to get anti depressants, I've spoken to my gp and I don't want them,

why can't I just be sad

I don't need to fix that with pills, let me miss her,

when does being sad and missing someone become depression?

Why is there a time limit on grief, I keep hearing oh it's been 3 months why are you still sad maybe you need to get some medication!

26 Replies 26

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello Dory, I do wish I could give you a reason, but I can't and I think that's what upsets you as well as myself even more, because without any cause of why it happened is what brings you down into complete disappointment where it's very easy to try and make a reason why, I think you know what I'm trying to say.
Being sad for a length of time is when depression begins, or perhaps it's quite possible that it did start when you were notified of the news, it may just seem as though you are just so sad, but it goes much deeper than this, because when something as awful as this happens, it would be expected that depression will develop, simply because there will be no answers that could ever suffice, and even if they, did still doesn't mean that you won't become depressed.
I can't force you to take any AD's, that's a decision you and your doctor have to make, and certainly seeing your dear mum struggle with them would only warn you against them, but can I just say, and you don't have to accept any of this, but I feel I should mention it, so please forgive me.
The number of AD's has increased enormously, and if you did decide to begin taking them, then it would only be on a very small dose, just to see how your body can cope with them, there maybe some side-effects or there maybe not, but being on a small dose these would be very small, thanks, I think I needed to mention this.
Can you please let me know how everything is going, because it's a post which I can really indentify with. L Geoff. x

Dory09
Community Member

Thanks Geoff for the advice

i get what your saying I have another check in with my gp tomorrow

so we will see what happens, my dr is away and im seeing someone new,

feeling awful as I'll have to explain everything again 😔

Thanks for listening again

x c

Hi Dory09,

Thanks for your post and I'm glad that you're checking in with all of us.

I just wanted to say that sometimes people like to print off or write down things to say to their GP because it's too hard to talk to them. Maybe you might want to print this off and show them if it's helpful.

I hope that you get the support you need.

Dory09
Community Member

Well I got my days mixed up, my appointment was today, I went and see the other dr it was awful!

He didn't want to listen to anything I was saying, would ask me a question then cut me off with another as I was answering the first,

he has given me some medication to try and help me sleep, but I don't know about taking them as I get up early for work and it says not to drive etc first thing in the morning , my doctor is back next week,

feeling worse today then ever

x C

Fiasco
Community Member
Dory, I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree that the lines can be blurred between grief and depression. We lost our son just over a year ago, and I am still wondering why. I think you just need to do whatever you need to do, if that makes sense. If you need to speak to people about it, or take medication, or whatever, then that's what you need. Everyone reacts differently. There's no right or wrong. But if it's affecting your life more than you can bear, then you need to make healthy steps towards making yourself feel better. I don't know if that's come across how I meant it. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best at this difficult time.

Eiendbdhd
Community Member
My heart is absolutely breaking for you. I literally cannot imagine a worse nightmare to live. I'm sorry I don't have any advice but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you.

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Dory,

This might not be right but I consider depression to be when I have a period of being down without an explainable cause. Of course, in my depressed state I will rationalize that I have a medical condition and that is the reason, but if I wasn't depressed two days prior when I had that same condition then I know I'm having a bout of depression. To me, your reactions and feelings are perfectly understandable, and you're experiencing overwhelming grief at the loss of your little girl. I don't think you should have to put a time limit on that, nor is it something that you have to "get over". That being said, I hope in time that you find peace again, for your sake and your daughter's, because I couldn't stand to think of the people I love behind being absolutely heartbroken for all of eternity, that thought destroys me. Be gentle with yourself x

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
dear Dory, there's an old saying 'it never rains it pours', and how sorry I am for meeting this new doctor who had no consideration, nor appreciation of what you are suffering from, this only increases on how you feel and that's the last thing you would ever want, I could say I'm really so sorry, but sometimes it's not enough to help you through, I am now in similar circumstances as I have to find another doctor as the one I've being seeing for 20 years is not visiting the clinic anymore as he had to drive a couple of hours every time, but slowly has been cutting down and now he's decided it's time he didn't.
It was an emotional time saying goodbye where the both of us shred a tear, well more than that, but now I have to see another doctor he has recommended, that's what I'm not looking forward to.
My heart is always there for you Dory. Geoff.

pvroom
Community Member

Hi Dory, firstly I wanted to say sorry for your losses. Grief is so challenging. I know just how you feel about ADs and I have unfortunately been in a similar position where a doctor and people around me are trying to fix my grief by suggesting ADs or other options. It doesn't really help does it?

You are absolutely allowed to feel sad. It's only been a few months, goodness. My event happened over two years ago and I am just still so confused and stressed and anxious about it, I don't even know if I am grieving or not. It is a confusing time.

If there is one thing I have learned, it is freeing when you can acknowledge and let yourself just be. I see you mentioned working, that's good if it helps you, I hope you find value in it. I find benefit in writing and trying to help other people who are struggling with some type of trauma. You are not alone and I hope you feel you can come back here ❤️

luft_
Community Member

Hello Dory,

I read your post and cried. I am so sorry.

There is no time limit to grief. My grandfather died when I was 15 (I am now 27) and I still cry about it often and feel sadness. I can't imagine the pain of losing your daughter who was only 8 years old, and then your mother days later.

There is no easy answer to any of this, but the reality is it likely it will take you a long time, so please take each day as they come. I don't think you will every truly get over it at all, but you will learn to manage it and there is still happiness and great experiences to be had in your life.

AD can help take the sting off things, but you probably don't think you need them because what has happened isn't mental illness. There is no right answer, but I had a friend go through a traumatic experience recently and AD helped her cope through that initial period and get her on track, before things spiralled out of control.

I read before that the doctor wasn't great - have you considered maybe seeing a female doctor?

Let us know how you go - we are all thinking of you and here to help you through this.