Why is No such an hard word to say

[Matchy69]

I have all my life struggled to say the word no to people and if i do i feel so bad and hate my self for saying no.

I find it so hard to say no to my ex like her asking me to have the kids when she is supose to have them and just say yes even though i had plans or an appointment and just change them or cancel them.

It is really hard to say no to the kids i give them everything they ask for.I feel like a bad parent at times but feel worst if I do say no as my son starts crying and it breaks my heart and makes me feel so bad.

Why is this one little word so hard to say?

[Deckt]

I think that it depends on how you say it. For example, if your ex asks you to have the kids and you have plans...

I'm sorry, but I have plans at that time. I'm more than happy to work with you, but I think it's fair that you give me a reasonable amount of notice.

For the kids, depending on age, this can be more difficult. I'm guessing from context that they are young? You can still talk to them using adult language. It's the only way they will learn. For example, I don't have a problem saying to my sons that I'm short of money if they want something I can't afford. Not only does this teach them delayed gratification, but that money has to be earned, and spent on boring things like rent and electricity.

Hope this helps.

[Matchy69]

Thanks Deckt for your reply and thoughts.

My kids are special needs kids with a big age difference between them my son is 7 y.o and my daughter is 16y.o.I know i should be saying no to them and trying to make them to do more things for themselves especially my daughter.It's like a miracle i had kids so i want to spoil them and make them have a happier life then mine.

I have started giving my ex notice about appointments i have but really didnt want to tell her about my medical appointments and that and she puts those appointments on her calender.Their is still times where i am given little notice but the kids only have two parents and one of us has to be close and on call at all times with the school.

[Deckt]

I totally get that. My oldest has autism, and I'm generally the one on call for school.

I'd agree that your medical appointments are none of your ex's business. You don't need to go into details; just 'I'm not available then".

[Matchy69]

Hi Deckt,yes my son has Autism and ADHD and had to pick him many times.My daughter Aspergers and selective mutism and anxiety,panic attacks.

I just seems to make my life easier if i tell my ex things.

[Matchy69]

I did have a discussion about this subject with my psychologist a few years ago but it must have not helped as i seem to be just as bad.

I hope I am not failing my kids.I always put them first and their needs.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Go easy on yourself, it's hard being a parent, and more so to children with special needs. I don't think any of us are confident we're "getting it right".

As for the word 'no' I think we feel a bit selfish if we're not in the habit of asserting our own needs. Maybe with practice it will get easier?

Take care mate x

[Juliet_84]

I’ve always struggled so say no too, but about a year ago I made a conscious effort to do it more. The way I have found helpful is to deflect a request with a question. If she asks can you mind them say, “how come” put her on the spot and make her explain rather than you having to defend yourself. After awhile, you’ll get into the swing of it.

[Matchy69]

Thanks Katy and Juiet for your advice its something that has been worrying me.I just want to be the best father possible.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Matchy,

I know, and unfortunately people can try and exploit your willingness to want to do the right thing to their advantage. Just be aware of it and if you don’t want to do something or it doesn’t sit right with you, you don’t have to do it and you don’t have to explain to people. Even just an “no, I can’t today” can be surprisingly effective, and resist the urge to provide a reason why, it’s none of anyone’s business.