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WHY do I attract losers?!

bellaheart
Community Member

Hi

I am here to vent! I hope that is ok?

I hooked up with a guy last Easter. That was all it was meant to be! He has no job, no licence, no car, no friends, no pets, no kids.....nothing other than a horrid ex housing trust house that he owns...oh and his obsession with playing his guitar (very badly I might add).

Meanwhile I am a successful woman with a great job and a lovely house and a darling child. I know...I can see it already just typing this! He very quickly infiltrated my life....he would never meet my friends...I never met his (as he doesn't have any)....I think all he does all day is play his guitar and play with himself?! He got angry right off that I was on RSVP....omg that was my red flag that I IGNORED?!

Long story short I dumped him many a time and he would keep crawling back....it got to the point where I couldn't stand his bogan way of speaking and his constant interruptions and condescending manner (whenever I was driving somewhere he would act like the back seat driver...he has never even driven a car?? He is 41??).

Yesterday I finally found the guts to dump him 100%. He had been ridiculing my son and nobody does that! He was coming over here; getting lovely meals (and his rocks off; which incidentally I NEVER did?!)..I spent hours (of my rare free time) working on his cv etc as he was apparently applying for jobs on Monday. I asked him Monday pm how the job apps went..he replied "I didn't do that I have been working on a new song"?!

The appalling thing is that he texted me saying he has been totally miserable since seeing me?! I told him 'I would be miserable too if I had nothing to do all day'!! I know this may all sound really asinine but I am so furious..at myself! For tolerating him for even five minutes! I am on medication for anxiety as I have had a very traumatic life...this whole thing just makes me so mad at myself!! He is not the first guy I have wasted time on...my history is full of them!!

I will not let this guy make me feel bad. I just don't get why these these type of guys all flock to me 😞 I am a very caring and compassionate person (maybe that is why?) when it comes to children and animals! Not so called 'men' in their forties who are obviously lacking in every aspect???

 

 

sorry for the rant

 

BH

 

 

 

18 Replies 18

PamelaR
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hiya Bellaheart

Yep, I know what it's like picking the wrong person all the time. I used to do that too. It's awful how I used to beat myself up about it. I get anxious and also get depressed, however, I wanted to take some affirmative action in my life -

I made a list! A list of what I really wanted in a partner - all those good qualities that I never seemed to find. E.g. holding my hand in public, talking without raising his voice, being kind and gentle, thinking of me instead of himself, no ties, lovely sense of humour (not mean and nasty), similar values about - life, environment, and others.

So every time, I met a potential person - I started to tick the list. If they didn't meet 'ALL' of it, then I flicked them off. I did this sooner, rather than later. You can begin to tell very quickly. I used to be attracted to the same dismal characters until I took a closer, scrutinising look.

It took me 6 years to find him, but find him I did. We've been together 37 years and still care for one another deeply.

It can happen.

Be kind to yourself. If you need any advice or assistance about your anxiety - have a look at the anxiety page under the BeyondBlue home page 'facts' tab. Also, have you seen your GP to see if they can assist with your anxiety. Maybe you'd like to see a counsellor too?

PamelaR

Dear PamelaR

Thanks for your reply! I am so glad you have found a decent man! I am on meds for the anxiety. I do think I will see a counsellor again, I need to work a few things out for sure.

BH

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear BH~

I'm sorry your relationship ended so badly, and from what you say ones before did. You asked "I just don't get why these these type of guys all flock to me " and implied is why you end up with them at least for a while.

Well, I can only give you my take, I'm no expert. My feeling is that strong, confident, able and successful women - those that are empathetic - are some sort of target to those that have huge sense of entitlement and superiority. This sort of person may well enhance their superiority be overcoming such as wonderful person, bring them down, which is done to start with a little at a time, and then more and more.

One wonders why the such a successful person stays. I guess at first it may be a matter of not really taking matters seriously, maybe making excuses. Then perhaps a matter of 'comfort, where the relationship has the benefit of familiarity, it is not strange or require a different and maybe difficult approach.

Please feel free to say the above is wildly off track:)

I think PamelaR's list is an excellent thing, not only the list items themselves, but as a prompt to judge a potential relationship consciously at an early stage. As PamelaR has found there are wonderful matches, I've been unreasonably lucky too (twice).

You sound like a person with a great deal to give in the right circumstances and I do hope things pick up.

BTW This is an excellent pace to rant:)

Croix

bellaheart
Community Member

Hey Croix

Thanks so much for responding, and in such an intelligent style. Yes P's list is excellent..I wish my own mother had shown me that at age 15 🙂 I have been married twice, engaged thrice..all to no avail...I have never actually loved a man and that is the sad thing as I am now 51. The problem is that I have such a major history of trauma I wouldn't even know where to start.

Suffice it to say that I have the lowest self esteem and have been used and abused all of my life. My life now revolves around my son and my dogs. Which is absolutely ok as I adore them all.. However..I have zero social life and zero support from anyone. Everday is groundhog day and I am starting to drink too much as I really dislike my pathetic exhausting life 😞

My dear son and pets always come first and I am certainly not at any point where intervention is required. I am just going thru the motions day after day with nothing to look forward to other than the same stress basically. My son's 'father' is totally useless. I am my sons' everything. Which is wonderful in a way but killing me in another. I never get a night off...or a day off...it is all work, cleaning, cooking,, etc etc. He is 13 and I torture myself daily knowing he needs a decent male role model......which doesn't exist. I worry sick as my own brother committed suicide and depression runs in the family. I just don't know what to do! I get up at 6 am and go to bed at midnight...that is the only way I can keep on top of everything.

Thanks for listening I am sorry for being a pita 😞

BH

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear BH~

You are a bit hard on yourself. PITA? Why? This is the place to speak frankly about what affects you. Please don't edit or omit. How can one understand and offer help if the base problems are hidden away.

I am worried just a little bit about you. It sounds as if you are living for your son (plus pets:). To love and rear a child is a great thing, and can indeed take the major part of one's life for a while. What worried me is two things.

Firstly that you don't seem to appear in the equation. Where are the things you enjoy and look forward to? I don't know what in your case. In my case reading, movies, exercise with partner and pets, writing a little, ... the list goes on. I look forward each day to one or more. I get distracted out of normal life into other worlds, I feel worthy of reward.

So what give you 'selfish' pleasure. It's not selfish realy, just feeding an essential part of yourself.

The other thing is I wonder if you are doing too much for you son. At 13 a young gentleman can make a significant contribution around the house, from ironing to having his dinner day(s) when he shops and cooks (those are the days you do the washing up instead of him.)

Now I know that sounds pie in the sky and maybe only for a perfect world, however yo are worried he does not have a male figures to emulate, so guiding him into being a responsible male is going to pretty much do the same thing. You give love, perspective and example. That is enough.

I'm very sorry your brother died as he did. As an intelligent person you will know there is no reason to suppose your son is going to succumb to depression. It does however suggest to me that you might benefit from regular frank GP or counselor consultations, the hard part I suppose is finding one who you can have confidence in. Again I've been very lucky.

Croix

Hi Pamela

Luckily I did not see the post from 'Dead-Person' and I am glad I didn't. I don't trust this site anymore so can you direct me how I can delete my profile and posts? I was very stressed to realise some troll had tried to upset me and I really don't need anymore stress in my life. I don't want anything of mine to be here anymore as I don't trust anyone and I hope you understand that.

thanks

BH

Hi Bellaheart

The thread was garbled and really didnt make any sense.

I hope you can reconsider your post. You are a valued member of the forums Bella.

I have been on the forums for just over two years after being made redundant and my depression escalating as a result. Reading anything from a rogue poster is a rare event.

The forums have very tight restrictions where your (and my) privacy is concerned......otherwise I wouldnt be here Bella.

Thankyou for being a part of the forum family too Bella.....I am in my 50's and take everyone's privacy very very seriously. (we all do)

Please post back when convenient......You are more than welcome to 🙂

My kind thoughts for you Bella

Paul

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi BH

I am sorry for what you've been through with the 'loser '. It resonates with me. I am also sorry what happened on your thread. I didn't see it either. I wish you all the best and hope you find peace and happiness .

CMF x

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Bella

Just a note of thanks for you speaking your mind and good on you too!

Thankyou heaps Pamela and CMF for the TLC you have given to Bella x

Paul